Latest Trailer Reveals The Hellish Tortured Existence Of The Skylanders

Remember the music video for Metallica’s “One”, featuring footage from the 1971 film Johnny Got His Gun, about the World War I soldier that lost all his limbs and the ability to see, hear and speak after being hit by a mortar shell? He was a prisoner in his own body, just like the Skylanders.

I feel so horrible. My Skylanders toys have spent the past couple of months on the shelf, where I assumed they were inanimately collecting dust, unaware of the passage of time. According to this new trailer for Skylanders Giants, I’ve been torturing the poor bastards.

They cannot speak. They cannot move. They cannot even impart the panic they feel via dilated pupils. They are prisoners in their own bodies, frozen on the outside, alive on the inside. They’ve been forced to watch my family and I go about our daily business. Eating the food they cannot eat. Distributing the affection via hugs and cuddles they can never gain comfort from.

Oh those poor bastards. Those poor, poor bastards.

One might think they will know freedom once more with the October 21 release of Skylanders Giants, but I’m not so sure. Now that I know what horrors they’ve been going through, I fear their reprisal should I restore them to life. And who am I to wield such power?

No, I cannot give them that hope. I’ll just turn them around on the shelf so they’re facing the wall.

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