Hollywood is making a Metal Gear movie! Again! It sounds like production on the flick is just getting started (again). The project has a producer, but there's no word of a director or screenwriter. More importantly, who is going to play Snake?
Getting the jump on those big time Hollywood casting agents, Kotaku is here to help. Without knowing which iteration of the stealth hero this movie will follow, here are some potential Snakes. This isn't just some laundry list of oh-wouldn't-that-be-neat. Big budget Hollywood films need big budget stars. So this is a list of potential Snakes based on each actor's star power and, more importantly, their beard power.
While not all Metal Gear have impressive facial hair on display, the vast majority do — and so should the film. Should it ever get made, that is.
• Star Power: !!!!! (out of five) With the Batman flicks under his belt, there's no doubt he can open a movie.
• Beard Power: !!!!! (out of five) The best thing about Bale's 2011 Oscar acceptance speech? 'Dat beard.
• Star Power: !! Bloom has been in some big, big movies. Yet, I cannot remember a single moment when I've ever said, "Hey, I want to see an Orlando Bloom movie."
• Beard Power: !! He seems to have the goatee and scrub bit down, which might be good for a Solid Snake (Super Smash Bros comparison above!).
• Star Power: !!!! A decade ago Crowe's box office bang was definitely bigger.
• Beard Power: !!!!! His name is Beardator.
(Very important note: If the producers could not get Rusty, there's always Gerard Butler, who is either a poor man's Rusty or a woman's Rusty, depending on whom you ask. Rusty, meanwhile, is a man's Rusty. Got that?)
• Star Power: !!!!! One of the smartest actors in Hollywood and also one of its biggest stars. When Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima recently rattled off his favourite actors, Damon was at the top of that list.
• Beard Power: ! I don't recall Damon every having a beard in a movie. Can he grow one? What about a stache? If not, the producers could always hire Damon to be Snake and Ben Affleck to play Snake's facial hair.
• Star Power: !!!!! The man is an icon.
• Beard Power: !!!! In Westerns like Fistful of Dollars and The Outlaw Josey Wales, Eastwood lit up the silver screen with his facial hair. But now in his 80s and clean-shaven, he might have lost some of his beard prowess. No doubt, he can pull off a stache to play Old Snake.
• Star Power: ! Among gamers, Hayter is famous for voicing Snake in the Metal Gear Solid games. He's not a famous Hollywood actor by any stretch, so he definitely would not have the necessary box office appeal. He is a big time movie writer and would probably prefer to pen the MGS movie script, anyway.
• Beard Power: !!!! Sometimes it seems as though he's a method voice actor, channelling Snake with his facial hair.
• Star Power: !! In the 1980s and 1990s, Russell was a big Hollywood star. It is not the 1980s nor the 1990s.
• Beard Power: !!!!! Can we award six exclamation points? OK, this guy in Escape from New York famously inspired the Snake character. Now in his early 60s, Russell has aged well — looks rugged, worn and tough. A perfect Old Snake.
• Star Power: !!! His role as Wolverine made him a superstar, but Jackman is still closely identified with it and hasn't quite struck out on his own. Kojima is a fan of his work, so that's a plus for him.
• Beard Power: !!!!! There's a reason why he's so closely identified with Wolverine.