This last week I picked up the Capcom/Namco-Bandai/Sega mega crossover Project X Zone. The game sports characters from Space Channel 5, Resident Evil, and Tales of Vesperia, just to name a few. But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the utter and complete insanity of this game. Read on to see my minute-by-minute notes detailing my descent into awesomeness induced madness.
1 Minute — Alright, to start with we have an anime opening not done in 3D (despite the platform), teasing me with a whole bunch of team-ups; I am intrigued.
2 Minutes — Right off the bat we meet our original main characters for the story — who seem to be a rich girl and her bodyguard. I guess getting randomly attacked on her way to school by monsters is nothing new.
3 Minutes — But seriously, I dig this guy’s style: white vest and suit pants, red dress shirt, and tiger-striped armour plates. Amazing.
10 Minutes — Alright, on to the next tutorial battle. I have no idea who these characters are so let me look it up… oh they’re from Virtual Fighter… wait a minute Virtual Fighter had actual characters and a story!? I was not aware.
15 Minutes — Team Tekken is here and Jin seems to be freaking out a bit as demons spawn in. My first mission in this area is to slap some sense into him. …And I just got a game over for failing to do it fast enough.
20 Minutes — Wow, I’m being confronted by a naked robot with giant breasts and a large pelvic bulge. …I think I need an adult.
23 Minutes — And Street Fighter IV‘s Juri has appeared and seems to be teaming up with the hermaphroditic android… Is she a bad guy in the Street Fighter series or are weird naked robots just her thing?
25 Minutes — Ken and Ryu, the original fighting game bromance, are on the scene to take down Juri. Ken seems to know the other fighting game leads.
26 Minutes — Virtual Fighter + Tekken + Street Fighter = A whole lotta arse being kicked.
40 Minutes — Now on to a sci-fi world with teleporters bringing in monsters to kill.
42 Minutes — I don’t know where this guy is from but his character design is awesome! (And even more so is his scantily clad companion’s.) I don’t know, maybe I just have a thing for futuristic space cowboy attire.
1 Hour — Alright, so Demitri Maximoff from Darkstalkers is hiring Dante from Devil May Cry to help him find Morrigan. This oddly makes perfect sense.
1 Hour 10 Minutes — Oh yeah! Now the cast of Shining Force and Arthur from Ghost’n Goblins have showed up to back up team DmC.
1 Hour 12 Minutes — Wow, Arthur is buff without his shirt. I mean daaaaaaamn.
1 Hour 30 Minutes — Holy crap! Is that John McLain!?*
1 Hour 35 Minutes — Apparently John McLain and Chun Li are working a case together. This could be the best Die Hard movie ever!
1 Hour 37 Minutes — And now they are teaming up with Frank West to fight zombies. I approve of this sudden plot twist.
1 Hour 38 Minutes — Oh dear god. In battle, John McLain uses a giant grandfather clock to beat his opponents senseless; and when he performs his ultimate move, his jacket explodes off his body (complete with mushroom cloud), revealing the trademark wife beater underneath.
1 Hour 40 Minutes — And now Chris and Jill have crashed the party, because whenever a zombie needs killing on a cruise ship, there they will be.
1 Hour 41 Minutes — Dear lord, why does Jill sound like a 40-year-old Japanese house wife!
1 Hour 45 Minutes — Jill, Chun-Li, and Morrigan — this is starting to look a lot like my Marvel vs Capcom 2 team.
1 Hour 46 Minutes — And why is Heihachi here? Was he just chillin’ at the cruise ship’s bar and was like, “Oh man, a fight with zombies!? This is right up my alley!” I guess when you’re immortal, you get your excitement where you can.
2 Hours — Unsurprisingly, team “Zombie Smash” had no problems with the walking dead on a boat. And for an encore, they stepped into an on-deck fountain and magically disappeared.
[At this point my notes become nothing but some scribbles and a puddle of drool.]
Project X Zone was released in Japan on October 11, 2012, for the Nintendo 3DS. There are currently no plans for an international release.
*This is not actually John McLain. This is his Japanese knock-off, Bruno Delinger, from Dynamite Deka — or as its known in the West, Die Hard Arcade.