So, you’ve joined up. Well, I’ve got to break it to you, soldier. It’s a hard life in the videogame marines. A hard, tough life. Most of you won’t survive past the opening cutscene, and those that do face a terrifying and very short existence.
Videogame soldiers are all about the bluff and bluster, almost religiously borrowing attitude — if not outright quotes — from Aliens, Terminator and just about any other 80s action movie you’d care to name.
These guys — they’re nearly always guys — are the toughest of the tough.
The elite. The badasses. The creme-de-la-####ing creme. The best of the best of the best.
Sir.
But watch the opening cutscene of just about any action-oriented game, and it’s the ordinary grunts who get blown apart, sliced in twain, chomped upon, drained of precious bodily fluids and put rather permanently in the brown trousers club… and that’s if they’re lucky! Any grunts that survive beyond the opening sequence are, most likely, delaying the inevitable.
They may as well sprinkle a little salt and sweet chili sauce on their shoulders, because when The Thing (depending on the franchise, the thing in question may vary) gets hold of them, they’ll suffer even more than their not-even-briefly-lamented squadmates did back in the tutorial level.
All of this makes me wonder. Not just as to who is actually stating that these easily hewn chumps are in fact champs, but if there’s a game that subverts this, and lets the common grunts live. I’m twisting my brain in knots trying to think of even one — anyone got any ideas?
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