Get ready to never leave your house again. For some reason, every video game maker in the world has decided to release their products in March 2013. From Tomb Raider to BioShock Infinite to SimCity, next month is stuffed with games. Games games games.
You're probably a bit intimidated. We definitely are. So in order to help sort through the chaos, we're presenting the Official Kotaku Survival Guide To March 2013. We'd like to help you look at what's coming up next month — from giant AAA productions to small indie experiments — and budget your time and money accordingly.
What games should you check out? Depends who you are.
If you like survival horror and gruesome deaths
Then check out Tomb Raider, the survival action game and reboot of Lara Croft's iconic series. Out on March 5 for PC, Xbox 360 and PS3, the new Tomb Raider is smart and ambitious and full of way too many gross death scenes.
If you're into dystopia and trying to understand complicated themes
You might be interested in BioShock Infinite, the first game by Ken Levine and his team at Irrational since the original BioShock back in 2007. Like BioShock before it, Infinite is a shooter set in a twisted dystopia that promises to play with narrative in some interesting ways. What we've seen so far looks amazing. It's out March 26 for PS3, Xbox 360 and PC.
If you've always wanted to be God
Short of applying for that new Pope position that just opened up, SimCity could be as close as you get. Out March 5 for PC (and later for Mac), SimCity lets you pretend to be in charge of your very own government and your very own city. Make sure to name it Kotaku Land.
If you're into anime role-playing games
Then check out Atelier Ayesha: The Alchemist of Dusk (March 5) or Hyperdimension Neptunia Victory (March 12), two anime RPGs published by NIS America for PS3 that should satisfy the moe crowd.
If you have a Wii U
Then, well, sorry about the last couple months. At least this month is better! On March 18 we've got Lego City Undercover, an open-world Lego game that seems almost like a child-friendly version of Grand Theft Auto. You play the cop, though — not the criminal. The Wii U is also getting ports of The Amazing Spider-Man (March 5) and Need for Speed: Most Wanted (March 19).
If you really don't like monsters. Just hate 'em.
Japanese sensation Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate is coming to 3DS and Wii U on March 19. In it, you hunt monsters. You hunt 'em good.
If you like steroids baseball
The year's baseball games are MLB 2k13, coming to Xbox 360 and PS3, and MLB: The Show 13, coming to PS3 and Vita. Both are out March 5. Good luck getting into the Hall of Fame.
If you're into vampires, but not the sparkly kind
A new Castlevania is out this month too. It's called Castlevania: Lords of Shadow — Mirror of Fate (3DS), and Konami has promised that this one will be more like Symphony of the Night than the last couple of Castlevania games, which could be very good news for longtime series fans who are eager to get back to exploring rather than whipping. This one is out March 5.
If you're into Game of Thrones
Game of Thrones season 3 starts on March 31. This isn't a video game. I just thought you should know.
If you like being an alien and infesting things
The sequel to 2010's StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty, StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm, is out on March 12 for PC and Mac. This one is focused on the creepy Zerg alien race and villain/hero/super-powered protagonist Sarah Kerrigan. It'll also be more RPGish than its predecessor, the folks at Blizzard say.
If you like scaring plumbers
Cartoony ghosts might not do it for you, but they certainly do it for Luigi, the star of Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon. Out March 24 for 3DS, this is the sequel to Luigi's Mansion, which, believe it or not, was actually a launch title for the GameCube. Twelve years ago!
If you like scaring yourself
I'm scared to even mention that Slender: The Arrival is coming to PC on March 26. It will probably be terrifying.
If you really, really, really like The Walking Dead
Then you might like Walking Dead: Survival Instinct, out March 19 for PS3 and Xbox 360 (and later for Wii U). Key word: might. It looks kind of like a janky licensed cash-in. We'll reserve judgement until we can play it, though.
If you're a bro who likes to shoot bros with your bros
Then the co-op shooter Army of Two: Devil's Cartel (March 24, PS3/Xbox 360) could be your thing. Although it's not a good sign that EA just shut down the studio behind it.
If you're into Pokemon
Two big options for Pokémon fans this month. The first is Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Gates to Infinity, a spinoff roguelike that'll be out on March 24 for 3DS. The second is HarmoKnight, a crazy platformer/rhythm game created by the people who make Pokémon. That one will be out on the eShop March 28 for 3DS.
If you really like games that end in "of War"
Then holy shit, I've got awesome news for you. We've got Gears of War. We've got God of War. SO MUCH WAR. God of War: Ascension is a prequel coming to PS3 on March 12. Gears of War: Judgment is a prequel coming to Xbox 360 on March 19. Which one should you pick? I suggest GoW.
So which of these — or any of the other games coming out in March — are you most excited for?