Lost In A Retro Haze Of Mainstream Video Game Reporting

Hi Tonight Today correspondent Mark 'Marko' Serrels reporting and I'm here, outside Harvey Norman, on this chilly winter morning checking out the latest video toy that is driving your children crazy.

It's called a Nintendo game, and it has the kind of revolutionary pictures that will sent your brand new Rank Arena into a tizzy with genuine graphics magic. Let me tell you, video games have come a long way since the Pac-Men and Space Invaders.

[laughs]

Now all the kids are after this, the Nintendo Super box. The box with the games and the colours — and let me tell you Mario's moustache has never looked browner. I'm standing here with parent Jim 'Jimmo' Jamieson who has travelled all the way from Dubbo, NSW to pick up this new wizard's box o' tricks for his Jon 'Jonno' Jamieson.

"Aw the kids just bloody love this shit," he said. That was all he said.

The Super Nintendo box is the successor, or sequel if you will, to the original normal Nintendo box. Nintendo is promising the better pictures, but is it really worth your hard earned dollars and cents.

Martha 'Martho' Mathews, a regular middle aged woman with absolutely no credentials, says 'no'. She says the video game boxes are addictive to your childrens and if you play this magic wizard's devilcube to your sons and daughters their eyeballs may may melt in their sockets. Their growth will be stunted and strange warts will emerge from their genital regions. This is the power of dangerous mega wizards at work.

"We should take this issue to the highest seats of power in the nations," she said, in an exclusive interview with Tonight Today. "We should march on the halls of government and make strange dinosaur noises. That's the only way they'll listen. Dinosaur noises. My favourite Dinosaur is a Stegosaurus. It goes RAAAWR."

The science report papers are clear. The video gameses will breach the minds of children and filter engorged murderous lemmings inside their frontal lobes, transforming them into strange, terrifying copper robots that will infiltrate, and then tear to shreds, the very fabric of society. This is a true fact as reported by the man, who wrote on this piece of paper.

"The colours themselves are a manifestation of the kind of satanic purple goo you can find under any pavement in Sydney," said the man who wrote on that science paper I mentioned before. I cannot pronounce his name. "It's just like that scene in Ghostbusters 2. If we continue to market and sell these Nintendo boxes to the childrens, Vigo of Carpathia will finally emerge from that painting and wreak havok across New York City. This is what we're dealing with. The stakes are high."

In this journalist's opinion the only correct response is panic. A high pitched uncontrollable panic where we all run around in tight concentric circles until blood leaks from our eyeballs. We should make strange noises, yes — maybe even dinosaur noises. In times like these we must do all we can to protect the childrens from devilcubes and if that means braying at the moon like lobotomised Stegosauruses, then that's what we must do.

Mark 'Marko' Serrels, reporting.


Comments

    “The colours themselves are a manifestation of the kind of satanic purple goo you can find under any pavement in Sydney,”

    i couldnt of said it better myself, but my god their hair...THEIR HAIR!!!

    This has immediately become one of my favourite pieces of your writing. Awesome!

    I like how they stress the reference to Japan and 'the affect on American youth'

    XENOPHOBIA AND BUZZ WORDS FOR ALL!!!
    MANIA MANIA!

      AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH THE JAPS WILL RUIN US ALL! SET UP THE FLAK CANNONS IN DARWIN! RUN! RUN! PROTECT US ALL BEFORE THEY DROP NINTENBOMBS ON US!

      Truly like you said, the amount of xenophobia in those videos is shockingly bad. Even today in news reports the levels of ignorance is no better 25 - 30 years later. It's possibly even *worse*.

    It is not often that a chance to butcher the English language (more than we already have here in Australia) for comic merit comes along, but when it does, this Marko guy, he gets it.

    Bravo Mark! I'm glad someone is trying to show the truth behind the mind-poison that is video games!

    The box with the games and the colours

    And the ZIP ZOP ZOOPIDDY BOP
    AAAA COSBY MOMENT

    2nd video, 8:40.
    WHYYYYY WHYYYYY WHYYYYY have we backtracked on this belief. Can our reporters not be this sensible again?
    Well I had fun playing it, the violence was animated so it doesn't really count and lets be honest, with adequate parenting and moderation of time played, there shouldn't be any issues with neglect of other tasks.

    pfft the Super Nintendo will never take off. This whole shoulder button thing is just a gimmick, Nintendo are just rehashing their old properties like Mario and Zelda.

    The thing is doomed to fail, Nintendo should just give up and start making games for the Megadrive.

      Super Nintendo Chalmers doesn't approve!

    Nintenpendant?
    That breakdown of F-Zero was awesome btw.

    the american mother who said she would say no and explain to her child how goods are marketed at you to spend more money should be commended - not sure if this type of common sense still exist in today's consumerist age.

    Kids are talking less about clothes and sports and what Joe did to Jane...

    Wut?

      Joe was just the product of a different age, don't judge him.

      I don't know about you, but I'm extremely interested in what Joe did to Jane.

    Why does someone from Dubbo need to travel? Back o' Bourke is a good one!

    A journalistic acid-trip into mainstream derportage. Would read again.

    Is there any doubt Mark is the best writer on Kotaku?

    just finished watching all the videos, the second one (9:34min vid) raised some massive points that todays media frowns at, hell even the news reporter bought one and play it with his daughter

    Ha! My favorite dinosaur is Stegosaurus too!

    Is that what I looked like when Donkey Kong Country came out? Actually I was probably still rocking 80s hand-me-downs at that point.

    I think I just cried tears of nostalgic joy. I remember being the age of the kids in the second video, being at a Nintendo party and playing with a NES together.

    So Marko, would you say it's time for our readers to "crack open" each others skulls and "feast" on the goo inside?

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