Hi Tonight Today correspondent Mark 'Marko' Serrels reporting and I'm here, outside Harvey Norman, on this chilly winter morning checking out the latest video toy that is driving your children crazy.
It's called a Nintendo game, and it has the kind of revolutionary pictures that will sent your brand new Rank Arena into a tizzy with genuine graphics magic. Let me tell you, video games have come a long way since the Pac-Men and Space Invaders.
Now all the kids are after this, the Nintendo Super box. The box with the games and the colours — and let me tell you Mario's moustache has never looked browner. I'm standing here with parent Jim 'Jimmo' Jamieson who has travelled all the way from Dubbo, NSW to pick up this new wizard's box o' tricks for his Jon 'Jonno' Jamieson.
"Aw the kids just bloody love this shit," he said. That was all he said.
The Super Nintendo box is the successor, or sequel if you will, to the original normal Nintendo box. Nintendo is promising the better pictures, but is it really worth your hard earned dollars and cents.
Martha 'Martho' Mathews, a regular middle aged woman with absolutely no credentials, says 'no'. She says the video game boxes are addictive to your childrens and if you play this magic wizard's devilcube to your sons and daughters their eyeballs may may melt in their sockets. Their growth will be stunted and strange warts will emerge from their genital regions. This is the power of dangerous mega wizards at work.
"We should take this issue to the highest seats of power in the nations," she said, in an exclusive interview with Tonight Today. "We should march on the halls of government and make strange dinosaur noises. That's the only way they'll listen. Dinosaur noises. My favourite Dinosaur is a Stegosaurus. It goes RAAAWR."
The science report papers are clear. The video gameses will breach the minds of children and filter engorged murderous lemmings inside their frontal lobes, transforming them into strange, terrifying copper robots that will infiltrate, and then tear to shreds, the very fabric of society. This is a true fact as reported by the man, who wrote on this piece of paper.
"The colours themselves are a manifestation of the kind of satanic purple goo you can find under any pavement in Sydney," said the man who wrote on that science paper I mentioned before. I cannot pronounce his name. "It's just like that scene in Ghostbusters 2. If we continue to market and sell these Nintendo boxes to the childrens, Vigo of Carpathia will finally emerge from that painting and wreak havok across New York City. This is what we're dealing with. The stakes are high."
In this journalist's opinion the only correct response is panic. A high pitched uncontrollable panic where we all run around in tight concentric circles until blood leaks from our eyeballs. We should make strange noises, yes — maybe even dinosaur noises. In times like these we must do all we can to protect the childrens from devilcubes and if that means braying at the moon like lobotomised Stegosauruses, then that's what we must do.
Mark 'Marko' Serrels, reporting.