I know you’ve been worried. You’ve been keeping your phone in that heavily-padded case in a locked lead box under your bed. Your iPad is in a safe, and not for its own protection. You’ve got handcuffs for your Nexus 7, and not the kinky kind. Well do not worry, my friends. None of this week’s gaming apps will kill you.
That’s not to say they don’t want to kill you. It’s not even really a want, more of a compulsion. Kind of like — what’s that movie where the kids cheat death and he kills them off one-by-one? Oh yeah, it’s like Footloose. Last week you were supposed to die, but I warned you and now 80’s Kevin Bacon is angry and he’s got death on speed dial.
Look, I don’t know what you did to piss off Kevin Bacon from several decades in the past, but I am pretty sure it had nothing to do with playing Gravity Guy 2, Grumpy Bears, This is Not a Ball Game or Calixa: The Code Breaker.
So just relax. Leave your devices on your bedside table, unprotected. Turn on an episode of The Following, which is safe because it stars modern haggard Kevin Bacon. Leave the kitchen knives out. I am sure everything is going to be just fine.
Maybe wear a kevlar tie.
What We Played This Week
A ridiculously popular card game all over the world. It’s a card collector, but it’s got a very distinctive faux-action style that keeps me tapping.
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A rather pretty little defense-type game with unique units, a large variety of enemies, an endless mode, hero abilities — there’s a lot here for free.
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An endless runner with a platforming twist, sequel to a game called Gravity Guy! The character runs across a series of platforms the player can raise to fling him through the air. Takes a little getting used to. So exciting my volume control is in the screenshot.
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A fun, free match game where you aren’t limited to the gems next to each other. As long as you can trace a straight line from one of the same colour to another, it’s on. Wonderful bathroom game.
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An achingly gorgeous psychics game with a wonderful French circus style. It would be perfect, if not for the timers and ball purchases and restrictions and replaying cinematics — it’s at least worth looking at.
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A charming, friend-friendly puzzler involving goo and the uses of goo. The iOS version’s had some missing file errors, but otherwise it’s groovy, in a goopy sort of way.
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It’s safe-cracking in the form of maths logic puzzles, and damn if I don’t love maths logic puzzles. This one’s staying on my phone forever.
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Bears are coming after you with heavy military ordinance, and you’re in the back of a pickup truck armed with dynamite, hammers, and a wide variety of hurty, pokey things. They want your honey. You want their skulls. a hell of a good time.
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