Breaking news: human beings often have different tastes in… well, everything. I’m no exception. Olives resemble salty shit pellets, purple doesn’t look good on me and grapefruit juice tastes like an angry orc stabbing my taste buds with the arse end of a AAA battery.
The same holds true for video games. I’ve lost count of the ridiculous amount of man hours I’ve spent defending games like Metal Gear Solid 4 to people who don’t ‘get’ it. In a way it’s a pointless exercise, because people like different things, but it’s only natural to defend the things we like because we’re invested in them.
But below is a list of video games I don’t get. These aren’t video games I’ve played for five minutes and dismissed easily. These are video games I’ve actively tried to fall in love with, specifically because friends have spent hours telling me why it’s worth loving.
These are games I’ve toiled with, games I’ve put a massive amount of effort into before walking away confused and bewildered. I don’t get it. I don’t get them.
Final Fantasy
It’s good because…
The stories are engaging, the characters are well drawn, the universes are well developed. Nostalgia? The Combat… maybe? The intricate different levelling systems? I’m a bit clueless.
I don’t get it because…
Well, to begin with, I’ve always felt — in the west at least — Final Fantasy was a thing you discovered as a teenager and invested a heavy amount of your own angst into. It was a thing you fell in love with when your tastes were a little less sophisticated. You felt like there was a story worth following and characters worth caring about. Coming into the series as an adult always felt a little bit like accidentally wandering into a One Direction concert with your teenager daughter. Hawkward.
But it was a series of random twists that kept me away from the Final Fantasy series. Final Fantasy VI never got an official PAL release in the UK, so I skipped that in favour of Secret of Mana (which did get a release), and I never played Final Fantasy VII because I had an N64. Years later I would invest a fair amount of time (about 12 hours) into Final Fantasy X, but I remember that weird claustrophobic sense that I was forcing myself to enjoy something when I was mostly confused: random encounters… in 2002? On PlayStation 2. Christ. Even back then Final Fantasy X felt like one long corridor after another. Not what I wanted from an RPG.
I even gave Final Fantasy XII a brief try when it was released towards the end of the PlayStation 2’s lifespan but yeah… Vaan.
Piss off Vaan.
Animal Crossing
It’s good because…
There’s nothing else like it. Unique play-for-ten-minutes make-a-habit-of-it gaming. Cute little overworld, interesting characters, complete freedom. Less a game, more like a lifestyle choice, etc.
I don’t get it because…
Maybe I lack initiative?
I first played Animal Crossing: Wild World on the DS and I was excited. The unique concept, the art, the reviews — everything seemed positive, everything I had read or seen about this game suggested greatness. I was convinced I would fall in love immediately.
Then I turned it on, set up my village, my character, walked into the world and immediately asked myself ‘now what?’
I had a mortgage to pay off. There were things to ‘do’. But none of it felt significant, none of it felt rewarding. Everything felt completely devoid of meaning and I couldn’t find a single reason to continue playing. Maybe it was the lack of urgency, or the lack of an immediate goal, but I found it tough to convince myself to play.
But I tried. I tried really hard. I actually played Animal Crossing to the point where I paid off my mortgage. But then what? I felt nothing. No sense of relief. It was meaningless. There was no consequence to not paying my mortgage. Tom Nook wasn’t going to repossess my house or break my legs like an animalistic loan shark. I simply couldn’t find a reason to play. So eventually I stopped, and I never went back.
Super Smash Bros.
It’s good because…
It’s a well balanced fighter first and foremost. Accessible, deep, stacked with fan service. ‘Fun’.
I don’t get it because…
When the original Super Smash Bros. came out I was already old enough to feel cynical about the manner in which Nintendo churned out games and slapped the Mario license on them. Mario Party, Mario Tennis, etc. I thoughtlessly bundled Super Smash Bros. in with that bunch and never bothered with it.
So while you were busy having the time of your life, huddled round a TV beating the crap out of your best buddies in Super Smash Bros. I was playing Mario Kart 64, Goldeneye, Perfect Dark. Those are my memories.
When Super Smash Bros. Melee came out on the GameCube I was living in Japan. I had no way of learning how to play it properly. My copy was in Japanese so I could barely navigate through the options and no-one would play multiplayer with me. The game just gathered dust.
But even now, when I do play, I feel a bit inadequate. To a noob like myself it almost feels like Smash has zero depth. Despite the fact I know it’s a game that can be played at a very high competitive level, and it obviously has depth, I can’t convince myself to bother learning something that feels so basic to begin with.
I’ve never really understood Super Smash Bros. and I suspect I never will.
Minecraft
It’s good because…
It’s revolutionary, it’s evolutionary, it’s genius, it’s a phenomenon. It’s… Minecraft.
I don’t get it because…
I’m old and set in my ways. Minecraft may be the hip hop of video games for me, a new fangled reinvention that I’m too decrepit to understand.
Actually, maybe I’m being too hard on myself. It’s really more of a time investment issue. Minecraft is a game with complicated systems that need to be learned, through communication, through forums, etc. It’s not necessarily a game you turn on to blow off some steam after work. It’s not Call of Duty, it’s not Angry Birds.
It’s LEGO.
The LEGO comparison is old and done to death but it’s relevant. I think LEGO as a concept is magical, and I spent hours with it when I was a kid, but I don’t really imagine myself spending hours after work building an exact replica of the Starship enterprise.
I think what I’m trying to say is this: I love the idea of Minecraft but I’m reluctant to actually engage with it personally. I like watching the videos, I love to marvel at the wonders that other people create. I love that it’s this organic malleable thing and above all I love that it was an overwhelming, incredible success. I love that.
I just don’t love playing it.
Call of Duty
It’s good because…
It feels good. Fluid, 60FPS, brilliantly refined mechanics, slick story-telling, multiplayer…
I don’t get it because…
I’ve spent way too much time playing Halo. It’s a blessing and a curse. A blessing because Halo is a fantastic series, a curse because it makes it difficult for me to adapt to any other console shooter. In short: I play every single FPS like it was Halo. This means I really, really suck at Call of Duty.
It’s painfully cool to dislike Call of Duty right now. It’s ‘cool’ to be bored with it, to criticise its linear single player, its annual releases, its resistance to innovation and change — but I think that’s mostly unfair. Year after year, by hook or by crook, Activision publishes a very polished Call of Duty video game and it sells in terrifying amounts. It does so because it has a very powerful brand, because millions of marketing dollars are invested in its success — but also because these games are very well made and hit a well-targeted section of the gaming audience.
In short, I’m not mad that Call of Duty is a successful franchise. On some levels I actually understand it. But I don’t get it.
I didn’t even enjoy the generally unassailable Modern Warfare. I never felt like I was having a real impact on the battlefield like I did in Halo. I never felt like I had to think my way through encounters like Halo. I never felt like the multiplayer was dependent on individual skill… like Halo.
I think I’m sensing a theme here.
I like Halo.
As a final statement I think it’s important to state that, objectively, I recognise all of the above video games are well made. You may enjoy them. You may love them passionately to the point where you will feel the need to headbutt the screen, google my name and pour anthrax into my letterbox. Please don’t. Think of all the games you hate. Channel your fury, click on the comment section below, and write a brilliantly articulate paragraph on the video games that everyone seems to love except you.
That’ll make you feel better — won’t it?
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