Win! One Of 10 Copies Of Total War: Rome II

48 responses to “Win! One Of 10 Copies Of Total War: Rome II”

1. 

   greenius

   August 26, 2013 at 3:10 pm

   Awesome competition idea :D. An intetesting change from the usual types!

   EDIT: I’m not entering but I look forward to these entries :D. The pic is huuuuuge D:

   Reply
2. 

   aidan

   August 26, 2013 at 3:20 pm

   http://imgur.com/7Ft9M9I

   Gaius Licinius Magnus was having a terrible day.

   It was bad enough that he’d been posted to this gods-forsaken tiny Roman outpost in the middle of the Alps, surrounded by barbarians, but now he was actually expected to talk to them? They couldn’t even speak like a proper Roman, and even the ones who had learned his language had accents so thick they gave him a headache. He’d protested loudly to his commander that morning – what could the Senate want with savages who thought running around dressed in wolf skins was a good idea? – but apparently spreading the glory of the Republic and impressing those peoples not blessed with the wonders of civilisation actually meant speaking with them.

   Such indignity. He’d served four campaigns against the Gauls and now Rome was making nice with them. Sending centurions to handle trade negotiations, as if he even knew the right way to hold a quill. It was preposterous, and Gaius guessed some fat-cat Senators in the capital who owned half the country were simpering about “profits” and congratulating themselves on how clever they were. Exchanging good Roman products for some rubbish barbarian trinkets – he had half a mind to tell the delegation just where they could shove their treaty.

   The location wasn’t improving his mood. The northernmost parts of Roman influence were drab, cold and undeveloped – the soldiers under his command were constantly moaning about losing feet to frostbite, the wimps – and when they weren’t signing trade agreements with obscure self-important tribes that nobody would ever care about, they were dying of boredom. The place didn’t even have an arena for some satisfying murderous bloodsport; his legionnaires lazed around all day ‘cavorting’ with the locals and fathering illegitimate children. There wasn’t even a cask of good wine for a hundred miles, and he’d kill for a bathhouse or six.

   At the end of a 25-year voluntary service, this wasn’t how he’d imagined the twilight of his career. Gaius had been sent up and down Roman territory, dealing with rebellions, foreign invasions, slave revolts and one particularly moronic Senator who kept carping on about destroying Carthage. The motivations of his rulers were sometimes mystifying but he’d followed orders without question – they were the ones paying him, and a lifetime in the legion meant a nice parcel of money and farmland when it came to retire.

   Thinking of the future didn’t make his day any better, though. Future land and grandchildren were nice ideas, but they wouldn’t finish a trade deal or get him out of this northern wasteland any quicker. He could only stand on the shoreline looking down at distant Italia – with all its riches and glory – and get back to carrying out his orders. Rome demanded it.

   – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
   A new notification appeared on the campaign map.

   Trade agreement reached: Gauls (+473 denarii per turn)
   END TURN

   Reply
3. 

   ricadam

   August 26, 2013 at 3:28 pm

   Great Idea, Looking forward to the submissions,

   OK…. Here is mine:

   This is Dan:

   http://i.imgur.com/i7r9BT6.png

   Her real name is Danni, but a clerical mistake on her birth certificate costed her identity, and subsequently her independence. Her name has came up in the latest rounds on conscription.

   At first she was going to be dismissed as only males were supposed to be up for conscription. But for fear of disrespecting her family’s name, she has willingly joined the cause to fight for the kingdoms independence and expansion.

   At first it was a little awkward for Dan, being the only female she was picked on by the other men, there were no female toilets, sleeping quarters or change rooms, it was hard and she felt alone. undeterred, Dan has made this into a positive, and has become a voice of change in the armed force. pushing for reforms in gender equality within the rank.

   This has filtered down into other parts of society not just in the army. Ladies have since rallied behind her in support, picketing and lobbying the king for change, there is even talk of a new ruler, a QUEEN this time! Times really have changed in this little kingdom, hopefully, for the good. Only time will tell.

   Reply
4. 

   wagzy

   August 26, 2013 at 3:32 pm

   http://i.imgur.com/COhRzkG.jpg

   “Not So Caring Dave”

   “Ain’t no mountain high, ain’t no valley low, ain’t no river wide enough…. You get it, because I’m tall?… no? Ma thought it was funny”

   “No Dave, that was not funny. Not one bit. You just stick to smoking God’s awful creation.

   As you can see, Dave isn’t the smartest mortal around. He spends his days in a cloud of smoke, taking puffs from his cigarette, pondering what idea’s to come up with to impress his King Joffrey. Now this was quite the mission for Dave. As a kid Dave was brought up by his two elder siblings, who happened to enjoy torture. Unfortunately for him he was automatically sacrificed to endure the pain. This went on for many of years, and once Dave was old enough to leave his shack, he proceeded to do so.

   Now, when Dave’s King Joffrey says “Impress me”, Dave instantly thinks “Hmm that small village over the hills will be easy to take, I could torture them for King Joffrey’s pleasure”. No Dave! That is not what he means! As all mortals know, King Joffrey is the most caring King in the whole realm, and if he ever saw something like that you’d be sentenced to 3 days milking cattle! (which is frowned upon by other males). As the narrator of this story, for your sake Dave, I’ll come up with a plan for you. I’ll do all the hard work and all you’ll have to do is follow what I say. Dave… DAVE! Uh sorry readers, Dave is a bit out of it at the moment, we’ll follow this up in the next paragraph.

   Okay Dave, did you get all that? “yeah, yeah I go” Ah Dave shh, we’re back on. Very sorry about that. Back to the story… and now everyone in the Realm calls Dave “Caring Dave” and he’s an official Care Duty officer of the Kings watch. Oh wait that’s not right. That’s how we hoped it turned out. Dave died a slow painful death while picking Flowers for his King. Our plan was to bring the king some dandelions and a white bunny rabbit. How was I to know he had bad allergies to Dandelions. Is that even possible?… And little did we know, the effects of this gave King Joffery the title “The Mad King”, and he demanded Dave’s head on a stake. Till this day, Dave’s head still sits on the stake, the whole Realm from the furthest end of the North to the South can gaze at it all day everyday as it was so abnormally large.

   Well sorry to cut the story short, but that’s how it ended.

   Reply
5. 

   shane

   August 26, 2013 at 3:44 pm

   Love this idea. I might enter for the hell of it, but don’t really want the prize.

   Reply
   1. 

      greenius

      August 26, 2013 at 4:02 pm

      Another Shane giveaway item?

      Reply
6. 

   pissopossum

   August 26, 2013 at 3:48 pm

   http://imgur.com/EevKMSW
   This is Frank. He doesn’t actually know what he’s doing here. He got told to stand here by someone a little while ago and is starting to think they’ve forgotten about him. He’s also starting to wonder about the bananas they told him to tie to his helmet, as nobody else seems to be wearing any fruit on their hats. “Listen, Frank.” They said. “We have a very special mission for you. You need to go and stand in the middle of all these pointy things and… make sure nobody steals any of them. You can take that nice flaggy thing you made with you. The one with the dead fish and that weird self-portrait you did that looks like a nonce’s mugshot. Oh and here’s your fruit helmet. Very important.” He knows there is most likely a very fun war going on somewhere and that he’s deliberately being left out of it. He is cold, he misses his mud house and he would probably leave if he wasn’t so mesmerised by those tiny, tiny horses.

   Reply
7. 

   mannotron

   August 26, 2013 at 3:48 pm

   Wilbur Garrius – Unwilling Gardener

   “Mow the lawns, Wilbur! The garden’s looking overgrown, Wilbur!” Of course the garden’s bloody overgrown, devil woman! Look at all these trees you’ve put in here! Germanic Ironbark?? Are you TRYING to kill me? If it was up to me I’d concrete the whole damn lot of it, like the Constanzas over in Athens! Now THAT’S landscaping! But no, you wanted to live in the middle of bloody nowhere, didn’t you? I can’t believe I let you talk me into it. You and that bloody mother of yours, always on about the joys of living off the land. What sort of madman trades plumbing for shitting in the woods? Gods, I miss the days of being able to take a dump without first checking for bears. You want to know why I’m so highly strung? I can’t even remember the last time I was able to de-clench!
   “But it’s so beautiful and peaceful, Wilbur! So serene!” That’s all well and good until you’ve got to cut down half a bloody forest without so much as an axe! What even is this thing? What sort of luddite town doesn’t have a Bunnings, or even a Mitre 10? How can anyone be expected to get any work done around the yard when there’s nowhere to buy any tools? Peaceful nothing! You want serenity? Here’s your damn serenity! HOW’S THE SERENITY, WOMAN?? *flails wildly at the undergrowth*

   http://i.imgur.com/GW4gkR0.jpg

   Reply
   1. 

      wilbur

      August 26, 2013 at 5:15 pm

      :O

      Reply
8. 

   ftwstewieg

   August 26, 2013 at 3:52 pm

   Sounds like a fun competition i shall enter myself.

   Reply
9. 

   weresmurf

   August 26, 2013 at 3:58 pm

   Rob – The Dentist Cosplayer

   This is Rob, he’s a dentist so we can’t show you his face in Total War: Rome II. On his days off, Rob cosplays as a medieval warrior! Rob brushes his teeth regularly. With the blood of his enemies. He uses their bones as his toothbrush handle, the hair off their scalp as his bristles. Robs possibly a little too much into his cosplaying.

   If you were a dentist though, with the money Rob had… a hot wife… a kickass car… a magic staff. Because Rob is not only a Dentist. Rob is a wizard. That’s no walking stick that’s for sure. A goddamn wizard. A dentist wizard. Who fights the goddamn romans. A roman fighting goddamn dentist wizard who cleans his teeth with the hair, blood and bones of his enemies.
   Under that robe, Robs riding a tiny dinosaur. A tiny velociraptor. That’s right. Robs a tiny velociraptor riding, dentist-wizard who cleans his teeth with the hair, blood and bones of his enemies.

   He’s also the most handsome bastard on the battlefield. You’d faint if you saw his face. Seriously. He’s so photogenic. The moment the enemy lay eyes on him, he numbs their hatred like novacaine numbs a sore tooth. He extracts their true feelings like dental pliers extracts a broken molar. He’s been known to convert the straightest of men, to swoon the most monogamous of women… he’s the literal gods gift to humanity. Chuck Norris is jealous of Robs looks. That’s just how handsome Rob is.

   But we can’t show you Robs face. Because Rob is a dentist.

   Screw you Australian Dental Association. You’ve robbed everyone here of the chance to fall in love on the battlefield. That one, true chance to find true… absolute love… until now… be happy with this blurred photo of Rob in all his robed, blurry glory.

   Because Rob, is gods gift to men and women, Rob rides a tiny dinosaur under his robe, Rob cleans his teeth with the bones, blood and hair of his enemies, rob is a wizard and most important of all… Rob is a Dentist.

   And goddamn it. That’s why we cannot show you his face…

   http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v112/weresmurf/Rob_zps28c46244.png

   Reply
   1. 

      max_power

      August 26, 2013 at 4:24 pm

      Give this individual a prize, STAT.

      Reply
10. 

    chuloopa

    August 26, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    MY GOD!!
    ALL THE WANTS FOR THIS GAME!!
    Challenge accepted, good sir. *adjusts monocle*

    Reply
11. 

    croot

    August 26, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    http://i.imgur.com/srfBuE4.jpg

    This is Gunter, son of Garlag; also known as Gunter the Gaul, or Gunter the weasel-switcher.

    Unbeknownst to Gunter, he was destined to change the course of history and inspire numerous great men such as; Ambrose Burnside, George Best and The Wolverine. This is Gunters’ story. This is the (abbridged) story of the mutton chop.

    When Gunter was upon the cusp of manhood, he was determined to impress a pretty-ish young Gaulish girl by slaying a wild boar. Instead Gunter managed to get on the bad side of a pack of weasels. The aftermath of his encounter left Gunters cheeks horribly maimed and being the vain individual he was, this destroyed him emotionally and confined him to his hut.

    Yet one day, many months after his attack, Gunter emerged with his glorious mutton chops covering his scars. He immediately got the girl, and henceforth spends every spare moment he has hunting down weasels and clobbering them with the flat of his sword. Earning himself the name weasel-switcher in the process.

    …

    A few words over the threshold, but I feel the story of Gunter and the mutton chop has been overlooked in history far too readily.

    Reply
12. 

    phlaiman

    August 26, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    Placeholder

    Reply
13. 

    dg

    August 26, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    http://imgur.com/aelNZXu

    This is Bob… That is where Bob left his sword….

    Further down the road there are rebels awaiting to ambush Bob… Bob is gonna get owned…

    Reply
14. 

    warhero

    August 26, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    Likewise

    Reply
15. 

    decoy

    August 26, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    Placeholder! dying for this game but broke till the 15th!

    Reply
16. 

    beeawwb

    August 26, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Actaeon knew from an early age that he wasn’t like the other boys in village. When he was barely 3 years old he was already taller than the most strapping youths of the Legion. Outcast, branded a freak and a monster, a cruel joke from the Gods he was cast out and forced to live on his own in the countryside.

    Taking solace in the fact that Romulus and Remus themselves were raised by wolves, he saw it as a challenge upon the very glory of Rome to live, and be strong, and to grow. And grow he did, soon surpassing the tallest tree in the forest, and an ever present reminder to the village of what they had cast aside.

    He still mourns the life he could have had, playing, laughing, loving, like normal boys. When he descends from the hilltop he can see in to the basilica, and for a brief moment until his shadow blots out the sun, he can see the happy faces of the village… at least until his presence is spotted.

    One day, the sadness may end. Perhaps he’ll leave and search for a 50 foot woman to keep him company. Perhaps he’ll set out for the lands of the far East, find a nice island to settle down on, maybe raise some lizards. Or perhaps… just perhaps… he’ll take revenge on the village that rejected him.

    http://i.imgur.com/Dn0irxS.jpg

    Reply
    1. 

       mannotron

       August 26, 2013 at 6:01 pm

       Ahahaha, excellent!

       Reply
    2. 

       aidan

       August 26, 2013 at 6:55 pm

       Fantastic.

       Reply
17. 

    bardiel

    August 26, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    Awesome comp idea!

    [placeholder]

    Reply
18. 

    snowman87

    August 26, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    http://imgur.com/yQCkSJv

    This is Eric.
    Eric wishes he was a ninja instead of a bloodthirsty barbarian and unstoppable conqueror of nations. Why you ask?

    Because ninja’s are cool thats why. They get to dress all in black (green, yellow and brown? ewww), they get masks (metal hats? ridiculous), no one knows they are around until it’s too late (you try hiding behind a giant piece of brightly painted wood see how you like it), they get awesome little throwie star things which he is certain make an awesome sound as they fly through the air before maiming someone horribly, possibly himself he doesn’t mind as long as it looks cool.

    All those other Generals wouldn’t know what was going on if he could be a ninja, no more sneaking an entire army slowly through forests to burn a town to the ground for insulting his mother, no more throwing away his fortune on boring old diplomacy so he can pass by that cozy little village he has absolutely no intention of looting and pillaging as soon as you arent looking, he wouldn’t even have to run up to people to hit them with his sword anymore.

    Just NINJA STAR!, NINJA STAR! NINJA STAR!.

    All of lifes little problems solved if only he could be a ninja.
    Ninjas are cool.

    Reply
19. 

    tiberath

    August 26, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    Readin the stories then looking at the pics makes for a really entertaining evening.

    Reply
20. 

    insanitypotion

    August 26, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    ><
    so want this game

    Reply
21. 

    cufcfan616

    August 26, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    If I get a prize someone else can have it. Looking forward to my pre-ordered Collector’s Edition instead 😀

    Entry to come later on

    Reply
22. 

    hayaku

    August 26, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    This is Tom.

    http://imgur.com/8rYuCgG

    Tom was always a dreamer. When Village life, fishing anchovies on the Corsican coast became too much Tom left to join the service of the Roman Legion.

    He rose quickly. The sword became an extension of his arm. His shield would move seemingly with a life of its own. In practice drills, Tom would reign time after time. But despite the glowing praise of his commanders, few were keen of sense enough to observe that despite his adept soldiering – that subtle gaze of distance was always there with him. Tom was not a a man at peace.

    Years passed. Tom rose to front rank of its division. He qualified as a Centurion. He served under Golden Eagle Standard of Caesar himself . But Tom never found his peace. Something was not quite right.

    One day, after commanding an ambush of a Tuscan Village under the enemy command – Tom begun to stare off into the distance – much the way he always had. He looked up at the sky. And that is when reality dawned on Tom.

    For Tom realised it then. He was just a character in somebody else’s video game. He had neither free will not agency over his own life. He did not arguably even have physical form. he was virtual. Nonexistant. Lifeless. Fake. He lived but to serve the designs of those that ran his source code.

    And that is when, looking out over the vast expanses of pixels surrounding him, he realised he did have a voice. He did matter. For somewhere, far far off in a distant land, an individual named hayaku was writing his life story on the internet. Hayaku was bringing him to life. He did have a voice, he did have a soul. He was now a part of something much bigger – much greater. He was part of the life force of something that did matter. Hayaku had given him life, had given him substance.

    And in return, Tom had something of his own to return to hayaku. It was all Tom really posessed – all Tom could truly say he owned. And that was his code. And thus, in return for giving Tom the gift of identity – for bringing Tom into being – Tom rewarded hayaku with the gift of a free copy of Rome: Total War II.

    And Tom was at Peace.

    Reply
23. 

    crispus

    August 26, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    Right in the middle of a battle, Gary just couldn’t hold it any longer…

    http://i.imgur.com/CGxSAs7.png

    Reply
    1. 

       weresmurf

       August 26, 2013 at 10:21 pm

       So few words. So many lols. So effective! lol!

       Reply
24. 

    redartifice

    August 26, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    http://imgur.com/YXioDK6

    Aerreus had always wanted to be posted by the sea, but not like this. An experienced veteran of the Second Punic War, Aerreus had helped to defeat the monster Hannibal the Carthaginian and liberated the people of Iberia from his tyrannical occupation. Aerreus should have been lauded. Senators and Merchants should have lined up to thank him, and yet here he was, guarding a lonely promontory with a troop that was far from the Empire’s finest.

    Where had it all gone wrong, he’d been asked by a fellow soldier. Aerreus knew exactly where it had gone wrong. It was the joke.

    Aerreus had been presented before the consul, Marcus Claudius Marcellus, to be honored for his gallantry during the battle of Cannae. It had all gone well, until the Emperor had invited him to his table. Being a good Northern boy, Aerreus hadn’t been brought up with the strong Southern vino so he’d had a few too many and started telling jokes. The one that undid him wasn’t even that bad.

    He’d said to the Consul:

    “A man from Kyme was so ill that his doctor despaired of him. However, he recovered. But he kept avoiding the doctor. Finally, the Doctor managed to corner him and ask why. and he said, ‘

    I’m embarrassed to be seen alive after you said I was going to die*!”

    It wasn’t a dirty joke, that’s not what undid him. No, it was the fact the the Consul’s wife had found it amusing. Too Amusing. After a fit of giggles, she’d choked on a mouthful of Grapes and died, and Aerreus went from being the hero of the empire to the Consul’s wife’s killer. Marcellus had wanted him thrown to the Lions, but his military record had allowed him to get away with only a demotion and this terrible posting.

    As he looked out onto the ocean, through the fog, Aerreus though to himself…

    Eh, it was still funny.

    * Actual ancient Roman Joke

    Reply
25. 

    circusgypsy

    August 26, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    Cleavus – the stealer of scabs

    http://imgur.com/HS5e2ir

    Cleavus had the good sense of being born into a family of nobles. It was fortunate due to the fact that Cleavus was special. That is to say, he pursued odd hobbies and behaved in a way that would get a normal barbarian into an intimate encounter with a razor sharp throwing axe. He took up the time honored barbarian tradition of alcohol abuse at the age of 9. This is not exactly early by barbarian standards, but the difference here was that Cleavus chose to ferment his own beverages. Being quite adventurous he often consumed substances that were the result of things that should not be fermented. Take shoes, or flamingo milk for example. It is unclear what psychotropic effects these substances had on his developing brain, but considering they also doubled as a potent weed killer and gave greek fire a run for its money its safe to assume they did not aid his cause.

    Now Cleavus came to find that he was now on the frontlines of battle for many reasons. Chief among them being that a fortnight past, a social gathering of the nobility was taking place in which Cleavus interrupted the merriment by throwing a glass of wine at the King’s crotch. Now unfortuantely for Cleavus, in his excitement he had neglected to hold onto the quarter inch thick, iron cup which contained the wine. The cup followed the wine’s example and landed in precisely the same place. Reportedly making the same sound as dropping a bag of boiled crabs onto a rock. Cleavus would later be heard claiming that the king was actually a “circus gypsy in disguise who steals my scabs in my sleep”. This should have been seen as an omen as he later took up the habbit of stealing other people’s scabs with a religous fervor. His hidden reservoir of ill gotten scabs was never actually found though. It is more than likely that he concealed it somewhere after realising the King had found his cup throwing habbit so funny that he was sending him to the frontlines of battle!

    So here Cleavus found himself, out on the frontlines. Much to his peers’ dismay he came to many realisations in his time out there. Most distressing to his comrades was that he had concluded “clothes are calcifying the energy glands inside our brains so we cannot use our third eyes to open our chakras”. This resulted in his being naked 100% of the time. Secondly, he took to sneaking. Everywhere. It was often safest to assume that every shrub had the potential to contain a naked, wide eyed Cleavus. Thus he could often be seen as he is in the above screenshot, submerged in some bushes, hiding behind his fellow warriors. More than likely eyeing off any scabs left unguarded, waiting for his chance to scurry up and peel it off in one swift motion and scamper back into his leafy den.

    Reply
    1. 

       redartifice

       August 27, 2013 at 11:38 am

       …ewww.

       Reply
26. 

    tigerion

    August 26, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    Tobias Aquavilla

    http://i1218.photobucket.com/albums/dd405/WNxTigerion/Tobias_zps8d3cb295.png

    He remembers the day well. How could he not, after all it was the day that everything changed, the day he lost everything. The 4th son from a lowly family he enlisted in the legion at a young age, his only hope for any success in life. The risk paid off as he rose through the ranks, obtaining success in battle that allowed him to invest into some small business and set himself up for imminent retirement.
    That was when he made his mistake that cost him so much. It was 10-1 odds down at the hippodrome, there was no way he could lose. However the gods are fickle and often the pilum of fate will strike those who believe they are untouchable. Watching his unbeatable racer crushed beneath the hooves of a fellow charioteer, as the white horse the unknown Ben Hur crossed the finish line made Tobias realise that nobody was untouchable. His debts were called in and he lost it all. His wealth, his business interests, his home. Even his sword and armour were taken as payment.
    So now, rather than a well earned modest retirement he finds himself in the field yet again, dressed in a tattered cloak and likely to lose the one thing he has left. His life.

    Reply
27. 

    cj

    August 26, 2013 at 11:13 pm

    Hrm, I may of missed the mark but oh well.

    http://imgur.com/TROuMY6

    The Salty spray of the black sea gently fell upon the youths face. “My boy, I am sorry” spoke Thaddius before thrusting his sword down upon the lad. The young man let out a meager wimper before drifting off to the next life.
    Thaddius turned and walked back across the gangplank to his own vessel. “Another glorious victory for the empire my general” stated Julius, Thaddius’s secound in command.
    “There is nothing glorious about slaying a pup just let loose from its mothers care” retorted Thaddius. He longed for to return home to his village and return to his life as a fisherman and to his son whom he’d left in the care of his younger sister. “Set sail for port men!” he barked making his to the stern of the ship. “Damn this war and this retched empire” he said coldly under his breath.
    “Did you say something sir?”
    “No, its nothing. I just pray to the gods this whole mess will be over soon and I can retire back…” Thaddius was suddenly cut of mid sentance
    “ROUGE WAVE! Brace for impact!” came the cry from the port side. With a mighty crash the ocean slammed onto the ship, sending men flying across the deck and several unfortunates overboard. The ships solitary mast snapped from the impact. By some good fortune the ship righted itself and the survivours began to pick themselves up.
    Julius opened his eyes to find himself slumped against the ships starbord wall. He pulled himself to his feet and looked around. A half dozen men lay dead, crushed under the mast. Others suffering only minor injuries. “Where is Thaddius?” he croaked. “Thaddius!” he yelled again clearing his throat. The General was nowhere to be found.

    Reply
28. 

    beejep

    August 27, 2013 at 1:21 am

    That’s clearly Ron Swanson, unhappy with the government meddling with his affairs. Or he ran out of bacon.

    Reply
29. 

    Warlok

    August 27, 2013 at 2:16 am

    http://i.imgur.com/lJfyQlJ.jpg
    Name: Bob Celsus
    Dearest Mother and Father, The siege of the town is going well. I decided to take a break from pillaging and chasing women to write this letter. I estimate the whole town will be sacked my tomorrow afternoon. That is if we can stop drinking wine between battles and sober up. It can be difficult to throw javelins straight when your head is spinning. Tell brother if things go well I will find him a wife while I am here, there may be slim pickings after the town is sacked though.

    I don’t envy the surfs who will have to clean up after the siege is done. There will be more blood and guts then at the butchery. Tell my friend Gallus that I will bring him back the head of an enemy, He will add it to his collection. I must go now, They are about to make the next push. I hope its into a brothel, Its gets lonely marching around with out a woman in sight for weeks at a time.

    – Bob Celsus

    Reply
30. 

    knuddy

    August 27, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Cunobelin

    http://imgur.com/sblCB4J

    Cunobelin was the son of a farmer. He did not come from noble blood, he didn’t have the best armour or equipment. Heck, he didn’t even have average armour or equipment. Before this war nobody even knew who he was. For many years he was just one spearman among hundreds of spearman, among an army of thousands. But recently his Captain had noticed Cunobelin’s skill.. and his Captain had spread word. Cunobelin was proud and excited. His patience, training and hard work might pay off yet. He was being noticed! And today, that moment where it all could change had finally come. He was picked to be the army’s champion! A true honour! He would await word from his general and then proceed to the battlefield to take on the champion from the opposing army. Man to Man. The ultimate test of skill.

    When he was finally called by the General he was ready. He knew that he could do no more preparation. It was time. This challenge would make or break him. He would be Cunobelin the great, or his name would disappear in the wind forever. He focused on the challenge and steeled his mind. What to choose? What to choose?

    Rock, Paper or Scissors?

    Reply
31. 

    jackhearts

    August 27, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Every Gods Damned Day

    “There he is. Right on time. Ignore him and he’ll stop, they say, he’s just an old man. Just an old man tha– Oh, there it is, yes I can see your gestures towards me. Think you’re funny with that grin? Eh? I’d love to come beat those three teeth from your mouth. Why did we conquer this place? Why did I get stuck guarding this path? Why did I become a guard? … Come closer, old man… How longs it been now? Every Gods damned day.”

    – Thoughts of a guard.

    http://imgur.com/6LbH7yb

    Reply
32. 

    rybo5000

    August 27, 2013 at 10:46 am

    http://imgur.com/w7hOMi0

    This is Bob and his wife Diane.

    They used to be like any other couple, they owned a small farm, plenty of livestock, no kids yet but they were hopeful and most importantly they were happy.

    However Bob’s slowly been taking a turn for the worse, after hearing horror stories of these people known as “Romans” who march in and take a man’s livelihood from him, he’s been acting paranoid.

    He spent months fortifying his farm but it still wasn’t enough, eventually he just surrounded himself with stakes.

    “They won’t be able to get me if I’m in here!” – he would always say, cackling madly.

    Diane was a faithful wife and even with his deteriorating mental state, she still stayed by him. Bringing him food, clothes, water, bathing him when he would let her.

    Eventually he persuaded her to be his guard; so now she stands by with knife always ready to strike any who would harm her husband or the stakes who they now consider to be their children.

    Reply
33. 

    inquisitorsz

    August 27, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Has anyone noticed that the birds in the sky are as big as houses and the sharks in the ocean are as big as ship? Damn I must have missed something in my history lessons.
    =P

    Reply
    1. 

       knuddy

       August 27, 2013 at 5:05 pm

       They aren’t bigger. Back then everything else is really small.

       Reply
34. 

    juststu82

    August 27, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    http://imgur.com/qvOKCdL

    Misterus Eddus

    Misterus Eddus should have been out in the pasture by now, the new stud in the pasture with a harem of fine young ladies there to take care of his every whim. Instead Wilberus Postorus, hell bent on feeding his middle aged ego, had packed them both off and headed out into the wild. It all started when Wilberus had offended his wife Conomie by stating her cooking tasted like a Gaulish pie. She had kicked him out and Wilberus in an effort to reclaim his pride had signed their lives away to the first centurian he came across. Now under the leadership of Rogerus Addisun they lollop from mile to mile looking for a fight that might not happen. If he had asked me, and I’m just a horse of course, then he should have just eaten the pony pie and kept his mouth shut. Then I’d be out studding and he’d be in….. Hang on? pony pie? Where was Fillimina? NOOOOOOO.

    Reply
35. 

    oldmateegg

    August 27, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    This is Jermaine.

    http://imgur.com/7pwZT8R

    Three years had passed since his sandals were last bathed in the blood and excrement of fellow man. From the rippling heat of Numidia to the bitter cold of the alps, Jermaine had walked in blood. He had seen the desperate soul acknowledge defeat in many mans eyes, he had bared his teeth and tasted the flesh of man. There were few horrors left on this earth. Jermaine was once a simple man.

    Three years had passed since Jermaine last walked in blood. Time had bandaged him. The horrors of his internal scars subverted. All the flesh, all the blood, all the meat, could never prepare him to watch Joan disappear across the bay. An anguished cry tore down the valley.

    Reply
36. 

    cubivore

    August 27, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Roan Swiggenbotham

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y0XK3Dka4S4/UhwaBPRaXXI/AAAAAAAABOs/4mPcXfL6lzQ/s1600/Man.jpg

    “I’ll just have a quick slash on me shield, ahhhh. No! Don’t draw the map now, not when I’m like this!” Roan was always disappointing his family, he slept in on the morning helmets were being handed out and ended up with the Dongus, dong shaped helmet of shame. He still wears the blankey his grandma knitted him when he was a boy, draped around his shoulders.

    Despite all this, Roan is a fierce and brutal warrior, the Blankied Butcher of Kabraz they call him. Men flock to his wang-headed goat banner partly due to fear and partly due to the myth that surrounds him. During his first battle Roan snapped, having endured a lifetime of teasing and jeered on by his fellow clansmen, he singlehandedly destroyed his own regiment. The enemy fled before him.

    Half mad, half uncoordinated, Roan Swiggenbotham is a man to be feared.

    Reply
37. 

    joemit

    August 27, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    http://imgur.com/h6WY9nY
    This is Bill…ius. Billius was born in the town you can see behind him. He is 45 years old. He was born Bill but when he joined the legions to, as he said, “Fight off the hordes of barbarians” they complained his name was “Not Roman enough” and said he had to put and -ius on the end of it. He’s been in the legion for the last seven years and he’s starting to think that protecting the city and putting down revolts is less interesting than actually fighting an important battle. He’s always wondering about the revolts. Every time they get beaten but they just keep on coming. In fact, they have a good enough schedule that Billius can work a 9 to 5 job and have time for family. He has a son, Jimmius who only just joined the army with his dad, who doesn’t know the whole job is about putting down revolts. He’s pretty bored.

    Reply
38. 

    wilbur

    August 29, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Meet Ronald.

    http://imgur.com/x4eNXZR

    Ron was a pretty introverted man, but after struggling to make ends meet in a tough economy for far too long, he decided to make a change.

    In a stroke of genius Ronald donned a musty old toga, left over from a wild toga party he enjoyed in his prime, and decided upon a foray into the adult entertainment business. Looking in the mirror he felt a ‘silver fox’ role would suit him perfectly, particularly as he let his toga slip off one shoulder (so sultry!).

    Unfortunately, as Ron charged out the front door empowered by his crafty plan he trod on his lengthy toga. Like a bag of sweet potatoes Ron flew, crashed, and rolled down his front path straight into a coma, and hospital.

    Under the guise of peaceful rest Ronald struggles internally with a world created around his last worn attire (and also some remnants of the toga party, hence the minor obstruction of his face by a neon light). He’s the sexiest man in Rome, but is unsure whether the ancient world is ready… or real.

    Reply
39. 

    singular1ty

    August 30, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Oops. Double post…

    Reply
40. 

    catto

    August 30, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h11/Mr_BFA/Total%20War/GhalahanTheDark.png

    Amidst the fog of War, and the stench of Death, there bids his time in secret, a man.

    He has long been forgotten to the world, but he has never forgotten it.

    Down in the depths of the Earth, where sweet melody and sunshine are naught, this man dwells in the Deep, forever consumed in the loathing and the Terror.

    “Begone!” he cries. “Begone and never return!”

    But the Darkness holds its fortitude, for it is the Darkness within his own soul that consumes him.

    He hears the noises from the surface.

    He hears the muffled screams of glory and of defeat.

    He yearns to return.

    He cringes and weeps at the thought….

    “You scorned me,” he whispered. “You hunted me. You bled me dry and watched me die, but now it shall be your turn!I will take back what you stole from me! This I vow!”

    The Darkness shrouds him in a cloak of black and lifts him upwards, towards to what he can only think of is freedom.

    His eyes widen as a sudden lightening in the canopy above starts to shine dimly.
    Then brighter.
    And brighter….

    Until at last, he can see the Blue.
    The White.

    He can feel the air and at long last, the man from below reaches out and takes the edge of the Earth and lifts himself up to see the wondrous sight before him….

    Fire.
    Ash.
    Blood.

    Despair…..

    The man blinked.

    What had happened?

    Since aeons ago, when Life and Death were but a dream, He took to his chariot and rained death and fire from the sky.

    And he was cast down into the Below.
    He believed that life needed to die.

    He wished that they had seen that.

    But they hadn’t. And he was lost to time…

    And he stirred in the bile ever since.

    To reach up and finally return and take away the light and happiness from their throat and gaze at hapless wonder at their grief….

    And yet…

    There was no happiness here.

    There was no smile.

    No wish.

    No dream.

    Only Death….

    Then the man himself smiled.

    “I had this battle scheduled for next week!” he cried.

    A soldier came running up and noticed the black attire and cursed face.

    “Who are you?” he demanded.

    The man looked at him. “Don’t get me wrong,” he said, gesturing to the landscape of horrific imagery. “It is quite the surprise and I am proud that you’re all taking it into your own hands, but….” he drove his hand into the soldiers chest. “But I however, prefer to get my own hands dirty!”

    “Who… are….-” the Soldier spluttered as he fell to his knees.

    “Ghala’han, my dear lad. My name is Ghala’han.”

    Then the soldier fell to the ground and Ghala’han walked out of the distance and into the scene before him. It was time to bring down the mortals.

    It was time to release the Damage.

    The End

    Reply
41. 

    Kirby

    August 30, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    Meet Wally (AKA Waldo).

    http://imgur.com/LvGDlxh

    He was really good at hiding. In fact entire books were written later on documenting his adventures. In his later years he started wearing red and white clothing to stand out more, however this just created a trend in red and white clothing which in turn made him even harder to find.

    *Since his childhood sweet heart Wenda and identical sister Wilma both look and wear similar clothing to Wally it is not 100% certain the image above is Wally.

    Reply
42. 

    chuloopa

    August 30, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    This is Gavin.
    He’s a straight flying sort of dude.
    Some say he’s a bit of a bird brain – but just because his head is in the clouds doesn’t mean anything.
    Maybe it’s because he tends to move with the flock – but that’s ok.
    His favorite movie is Flying High. What a riot.
    His favorite band is Flock of Seagulls. He’s sensitive like that. He’s pretty partial to The Eagles, though.
    His favorite food is anchovies. He doesn’t get all the hate. He’d eat them all day if he could.
    He prefers the warmer climates of the world – the beach side life is for him – somewhere nice and warm. His rule of thumb tends to be “if you can fly there and it’s warm, it’s alll goood”
    His life isn’t complex. No sir. He normally glides from one job to the next. He has three kids. There once were four, but poor Timmy – he tragically fell from a tree. Some say hismum pushed him, but Gavin could never accept that. She is an angel. A real dove amongst pidgeons.
    But Gavin doesn’t have much time to think about that these days. The world around him is consumed by warfare.
    So now starts the newest chapter in Gavin’s life… And one this is for damn certain…
    … He’ll prove to everyone he’s no damn chicken!

    http://tinypic.com/r/2lmtgqx/5

    Reply
43. 

    singular1ty

    August 30, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    http://imgur.com/uVJEjih

    “Shut up back there! We’re supposed to be approaching stealthily!”

    There was a general jostling of copper and iron armour, and more than few sheepish faces on the soldiers. Captain Antonius rolled his eyes, and poked his head out from the trees, looking down the long, winding path to the town below. The siege was going swimmingly well – for those Roman bastards. This was the tenth town that the new Emperor had laid waste to, and it was but a year into his reign.

    Even from here, Antonius could see the catapults and the siege towers, slowly wearing away the defences of the helpless town. Well, they wouldn’t be helpless for too much longer – Antonius had cleverly brought his men down over the mountains, and from here, they could wipe out the besieging forces with a surprise attack.

    Antonius turned around, looking at his men. Idiots, all of them, worthless sellswords who had signed away their lives for five denarii a day, and the promise of a woman to lie in their bed. But who else was going to stand up to the Romans? Sure, he’d heard rumours of discontent over in Judaea, just the same as anyone else. Some moron called ‘Brian’ had gone and painted ‘Romani ite Domum’ all over the Palace walls, but telling the Romans to go home wasn’t helping, because home was exactly where the problem was.

    “Right, on the count of three,” Antonius whispered to his men, who were crouched down in the pine forest, their swords at the ready. He wondered how many would survive the attack. Hopefully, only half, because he barely had enough denarii to pay them – the thought was sour in his mouth. He hated using that thrice-damned currency, but the men still wanted it, and who was he to argue, so long as they were willing to fight?

    “Wait.” That was Decimus, he thought. Or was it Domitius? Didn’t matter. “Is that three-two-one-go, or do we move when you say one?”
    Antonius rolled his eyes.

    “I’ll say go, after counting to three, going from one to three, not skipping any numbers in between. Got it?”

    There was a general murmuring of consent. Antonius sighed, and wiped the sweat off his brow. Gods he was getting too old for this. Why did he have to stand up against the Romans? Why couldn’t he have lived a normal life, even if that meant stopping to hail every five bloody seconds when the Centurions went past? Maybe then, Aeliana would still be alive. Antonius missed her every day, pined for her, and her memory was what kept him moving forwards – he wouldn’t let her death have been in vain.

    Captain Antonius drew his blade, and counted up to three. With that final word, his men moved as one, charging down the path towards the town. Breaking one siege wouldn’t stop this war, wouldn’t drive the Romans back, but Antonius had to try.

    “This is for you, Aeliana. AND FOR A NEW ROME!”

    Reply
44. 

    toots

    August 30, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    http://imgur.com/ZFPUc4T

    Lifshitz had two problems in his life.

    He initially loved his casting agent for getting him a role in the new Total War game. He had been working on his image since the fall of the Roman Empire and was excited that he and his trained stallion would finally get the credit that they deserved. The problem that he had was that when he finally showed up to be put into the game, he only then found out that they were going to be on the still image in the title. No glory, no riding into battle, no looting or pillaging, just an image.

    He had been working on his image his entire life but within the last few years it had started to cause a great internal struggle for him. This struggle started after meeting a great man called Ralph Lifshitz who Lifshitz immediately liked. They both had the same name and Ralph was also someone who wanted to make something of himself.

    Ralph was into fashion but Lifshitz never held that against him even he had the same look for well over 2000 years. After spending many nights drinking together talking about their goals in life, Ralph convinced Lifshitz to help him with the final part of setting up his business which was his logo. Ralph always loved horses and Lifshitz’s stallion was his favourite, so he wanted to incorporate this into the logo somehow.

    Lifshitz went to a photo-shoot in 1967 where he was asked a strange request from his good friend Ralph. Ralph wanted to do a modern take on a man riding a horse because now days it was getting tricky for the everyday man to relate to the Roman Empire. Since sport was a popular thing in America Ralph had thought about how he could get his logo to have some sort of sporting influence but also with style, so he decided to dress Lifshitz and his beautiful stallion in a polo outfit.
    Even though Lifshitz was uncomfortable wearing pants he was happy that he got a massive wooden stick which he was able to swing around like a spear. The photo shoot was great success and Lifshitz thought this would be the first step in this career, finally getting the credit that he reserved based off the way Ralph was talking about his business model.

    Over the next year, Lifshitz did some photo work occasionally to pay the bills however nothing major came up. After being out of work for 3 months, he tried to contact Ralph at his office and he was rudely told that there was nobody called Ralph Lifshitz, only a Ralph Lauren. Lifshitz did some investigation and noticed that his good friend had sold him out. Ralph had changed his name to try and distance himself from the struggling model and had stolen his image for his massively successful clothing line.

    Lifshitz was devastated at this news and had been out of work until this Rome Total War job came up. As he looked at the camera and thought about his life, he realised that this game would be bigger than a polo shirt could ever be, and Ralph Lauren would now see what a great man he had become!

    Reply
45. 

    nexis01

    August 31, 2013 at 12:54 am

    http://edge.alluremedia.com.au/m/k/2013/08/man.png

    Look at this man. Look at him. I found him by randomly scrolling around this ludicriously large screenshot. What is this guy’s story? Why did he grow that moustache? Why does he look a bit bored? Did he want to go and fight in this war or was he forced? I’m going to call him George. He has a moustache because his wife likes it. He’s not actually bored, he’s focused. No he doesn’t like war, but it’s a steady wage so whatever.

    Reply
46. 

    perfectlydark

    August 31, 2013 at 8:39 am

    http://imgur.com/mXkKV2F

    Charles Little

    Sign up to the legions they said. Go to war and have an adventure they said. And here I am guarding this crummy goat track in between nowhere and the sticks holding a goddamn flag. I didnt even get a magazine! I could have been back in Rome, in the public baths, but no. The Hun’s come and I dont even have a bloody sword. It could be worse. My mate Jack is stuck cleaning aqueducts. At least I have a beautiful mountain to look at. Wait, you know what? Screw that. I dont even have a working sewerage system here. Whoever said camping and army would be fun can just go to hell.
    Hope some goats come by. Not that I have anything to butcher them with 🙁

    Great competition, turned me from a longtime lurker to sign up 🙂

    Reply
47. 

    thecheet89

    August 31, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    The sea wind whipped against my face. I watch from above as the combined forces of Rome and Greece destroy their rivals from across the sea. Little do they realise that it is all in vain. Like pawns on a giant chessboard they move this way and that, and all the time grow ever weaker. Their infighting makes it too easy.

    Soon we will gather our armies and move against them. When the time is right, we shall strike swiftly and without mercy. They will never know what hit them. Even together they cannot hope to stop our advance. With every man, woman and child from across the continent drafted to their armies, still they would lose. The are outnumbered 100 to 1, and their weapons will be useless against our speed and agility. Their armour is tailored to counter their own weapons. How quaint! It shall prove no match for sharp beaks and claws. We have no need for such aids. Mother nature has provided us with all we need.

    When our victory is complete, this land will be ours! Peace will reign and we will resume our rightful place as sovereigns of this world. Our foes will fear to utter my name, Gavia! All hail the birds!

    http://imgur.com/MB5Mc5G

    Reply
48. 

    fairplay

    September 1, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    http://imgur.com/wyLYDgw

    Do you see this guy right here? His parents named him Gaius, but he calls himself ‘2 Bears’, after an incident where he drunkenly stumbled upon 2 black bears out in the wilderness one night and took em on with his bare hands! He is a warrior, a lady killer, a swan thrower and also surprisingly makes a mean curry chicken! (You seriously gotta try it). The thing with 2 Bears is, he didn’t join the Roman Army. They Roman Army joined him! After a night out on the turps in town, a couple of Roman soldiers strolled into the local water hole. After a couple drinks and hours passing things started to get a bit rowdy. 2 Bears was having non of it. Being the son of the god Uranus [citation needed] and the uncle of a goat farmer he knew his way around the Martial Art of kicking ass. And kicking ass he did! He took on the entire group of drunk soldiers on his own as the crowd watched in awe. It was a common occurrence where those around him would be struck in awe, but compounded by the ass kicking he delivered on these soldiers was just purely of what legends were made of.

    When the local officer found his men were beaten by one man he marched a legion of troops to his residence, fully armed and prepped for war. It was like they were about to invade Carthage all over again. 2 Bears awoke severely hung over to the sounds of beating war drums when he heard the command to halt. Some 5 and half thousand troops halted in unison making enough force to make the earth shake beneath them. 2 Bears heard calls to come out of his house unarmed by a lone voice. He thought it was probably one of the locals looking for this daughters again he thought to himself. He strolled out of this bed with a throbbing headache, made worst by the blinding afternoon sun. Before him were a legion of troops perfectly lining the streets. The officer asked ‘Were you the man that beat my men last night?’ pointing to a some 15 group man of broadly built men. ‘These are the finest warriors in Rome!’ (The SASR equivalent apparently) before one of the men confessed to the officer that it was – like as if he had seen a ghost. ‘Sir, it was him! It was him!’

    It wasn’t long until the officer in command found out it was the legendary 2 Bears and forfeited the legion of men at his disposal. In the picture above you can actually see 2 Bears arguing with a horse after it had kicked off one of his mounted archers.

    Reply
49. 

    grant-dash

    September 1, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    http://i.imgur.com/1Q7U8CD.jpg

    Here I sit, crouching, waiting. My time will come. They said I was mad. But I will have my revenge. 6 months have I waited in this forest. Waited for them to tire with their pointless battles. Out of the chaos I will rise, like a phoenix, to bring about the rebirth of this world. No more stabbing, no more slicing, no more cutting. This I have sworn, ever since that fateful day.

    Nobody was there to help, to stop the bleeding. I was so hungry! The soup was coming along nicely. With a deft swipe, I had split carrot in twain. But that wasn’t all. I screamed when I saw it. On the chopping board, the size of a pea, there it was. Skin ripped straight from my finger by my once trusted ally, my kitchen knife. Betrayal! How could it do such a thing? Hours spent crying, screaming, but it was no use. There was no way to undo what had transpired that fateful day.

    Then I realised. In a moment of blinding clarity, I understood. All sharp objects exist only to bring pain and suffering. Never again would I touch a knife, sword or skewer. The world must learn to live without them. I will make them understand. That is my quest.

    I have bided my time, raised an army. 1000 strong believers! Our enemies laugh. Unarmed, they say, we are no match for swords, arrows and pikes. But their weapons will mean nothing. We will triumph through strength of will alone! Just a little while longer, and it will be time to strike. I, Fluxus, will have my revenge.

    Reply
50. 

    judalene

    September 1, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    http://imgur.com/BBerPLm

    As a youngin’ I always enjoyed the outdoors and loved the colours of the wind. Some knew me as Calvin. As I grew up I knew I was meant for bigger better things. Sewing and fingernail painting were some of my many talents. With nature as my inspiration and the sky and ocean as my never ending guide. I began to create, experiment and develop my own unique style to which none could compare. As the years passed by, so did my following of fashion enthusiasts grow. I knew one day our time would come and together me and my army of well dressed mannequins would overpower all those who stood in our way.
    Here I stand today against the forces of fashion calamity, the best dressed warrior the world has ever known. From my Kilt Cape to my sky blue jeans, I surpass even the most gaga of ladies in the realm. No one can with stand my sheer genius of cloth and thread. I shall conquer the world one fashion master piece at a time.
    With the breeze in my feathered helm and my earth bound mind contemplating the battle to come, watching the sharks circle in the bay wondering if they would taste good and all I can think is ‘Ah the serenity”.

    Reply
51. 

    ajexi

    September 2, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    http://imgur.com/caAqmJz

    This is Carol. Carol used to enjoy long walks on the beach and date night with her non-committal life partner (he disliked the term ‘boyfriend’, or labels in general) Dwayne. She finished her Bachelor of Arts with a focus on international journalism with hopes and aspirations of travelling the world, and “Just really getting the truth out there you know?” while Dwayne followed his dream of, well, whatever Dwayne aspired to. Carol’s mother was just adamant that “No degree will get you want you want, where’s my grandchildren? Margery up the road has three and her daughter is 2 years younger than you!”

    Carol used to work in a call centre, taking abusive phone call after abusive phone call. It paid the bills, and the exorbitant rent that she paid to live in a small box in the city, but offering people bundle packages and free local calls just ate away at the dream of the illustrious life she wanted. Coming home to another cancelled date night, because Dwayne’s current aspiration involved being out at ridiculous hour’s god knows where doing who know what with some bimbo, she took a phone call from her mother. After receiving an ear bashing about her ‘biological clock speeding up (she read it in an article in the readers digest), you’re nearly 30, who wants that, and don’t get me started on Dwayne,” she slowly put down the phone, her mother still ranting. She walked into her room, and donned the outfit she had wanted to wear for so long. Freeing her bunned red locks and picking up a spear, she walked out her room, her rough spun tunic and weird leather and rope footwear causing untold chafing and just general unpleasant feelings. She walked past the still nattering phone and out the door, onto her future.

    So Carol finds herself here standing in a field surrounded by trees and nature. She’s has this ‘disc’ hovering about her head for a few days now and nothing she does gets rid of it which is really frustrating. She’s realized that she’s freakishly tall or everything is freakishly small and she’s not sure but she possibly wandered into a model village. She can’t find her way out and even if she wants to, she feels compelled to wait for someone else, some higher being to guide her. How’s that journalism degree helping now Carol?

    Reply
52. 

    organicantibeatbox

    September 3, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    This is Bartholomew. http://i.imgur.com/KEHhfaY.jpg
    He’s a 28 year old car insurance broker/hairdresser, currently unemployed. He has twice been nominated for the bi-monthly best male actress of the year. He is an avid collector of rare coins, as long as they have pictures of bald men. As a hobby on the weekend he likes to assume the role of a despotic general of an ancient germanic modern army responsible for mass murder, destruction and subjection in present antiquity. In 1984 he was awarded the galant cross of reconciliation for his role in the sacking of Alexandria. He rides a single gear bike.
    Recent intelligence has identified he is now sporting a beard (or facial hair mask), this makes him difficult to identify in a crowd. He has grown said beard because it has recently come back into fashion. Shallow.

    After discovering hit band ‘Toto’, he became an instant fan. For three years he was president of the national Toto choir fan club. He left after an alleged verbal dispute with Toto’s former bass player David Hungate. He remains bitter about this, but now prefers Wham!

    Most recently he has been involved in to a legal dispute with Creative Assembly, the developers of Total War: Rome 2. He is attempting to sue, after he publicly claimed he has acquired tapes of a conversation his agent had with the developers about renaming the title ‘Total War: Bartholomew’. However this seems unlikely as Creative Assembly has never heard of these claims. A counter suit has been lodged by creative assembly for defamation on 28/8/03….although this is just pure speculation.
    True Story.

    Reply