How To Fix ‘How To Fix Nintendo’ Articles

Articles about how to fix Nintendo are doomed. Doomed. If articles about ‘how to fix Nintendo’ do not follow this advice immediately, there might not be any more ‘how to fix Nintendo’ articles.

Could you imagine that? I know. It’s scary. Small, niche video game websites without ‘how to fix Nintendo’ articles. I don’t know if I want to live in that world. We’ve been reading ‘how to fix Nintendo’ articles all our lives. We’ve grown up with ‘how to fix Nintendo’ articles. Video games writing needs them. They must be saved and preserved for future generations to read the next time Nintendo releases a console that isn’t quite as successful as the previous one. This is important.

But never fear; no need to worry. I, the all-knowing video games journalist, will come to the rescue. Armed with my incredible Wikipedia knowledge (and recently created Google Finance profile) I am here to tell you what you need to change to make your ‘how to fix Nintendo’ articles more legible, compelling and relevant.

Let’s start at the start.

Your ‘how to fix Nintendo’ articles are too stubborn, too rigid in their thinking. Your articles simply refuse to listen to reason. It’s the definition of insanity. Writers of ‘how to fix Nintendo’ articles keep releasing the same old article year after year. It’s just the same bloody article everyone. Jesus. Why do people keep reading these things? Why do you keep writing them? Urgh. I just don’t get it.

The story is always the bloody same. Editorial opinion pieces about How to fix Nintendo clearly need to invest more time and words in new ‘ideas’ or new ‘things’. Editorial pieces about Nintendo need start from scratch. I’m sick of reading the same old words, the same old sentences, the same old paragraphs. It’s beyond a joke.

Now is the time for change, ‘how to fix Nintendo’ article writers. Now is the time to reach out to outside sources -- third parties if you will -- for accurate information about how Nintendo’s business model actually works. How to fix Nintendo articles are way too stuck in their ways. They need a fresh approach from external sources, they need to take what they learn from these sources and apply them to their own ‘How To Fix Nintendo’ articles.

If you don’t do this you are doomed.

And what about mobile? Christ. Why do articles about ‘How To Fix Nintendo’ ignore the rapid growth of the mobile market? These articles are too long, too self-indulgent for modern consumers. They are plainly not designed to take advantage of the droves of people consuming online content on mobile devices. These articles are designed for desktop computers, an ageing format with absolutely no future. Expand your minds ‘how to fix Nintendo’ articles, start pushing the boundaries. Everyone is on mobile devices now. We don’t want to read super-long articles about how to fix Nintendo! Make them shorter, cheaper. Make more of them. Quickly. Right this second. Goddammit, just listen to me. I’m trying to save your asses here. A knee jerk response isn’t just recommended, it’s practically mandatory.

At some point, I don’t know when, ‘How to fix Nintendo’ articles just lost touch with their audiences. They just refused to grow up. I didn’t mind reading them when I was younger and a bit more naïve, but I’m a grown-up now. I’m an adult. ‘How to fix Nintendo’ articles are just way too childish for us now and writers of ‘how to fix Nintendo’ articles need to realise this or lose us forever. They need new, mature ideas for the hardcore readership. They need to evolve beyond the same old dull, pointless, irrelevant advice. I for one am sick of reading the same words over and over again. I’m ready for something new.

With thanks to Dominic Ryan

WATCH MORE: Nintendo News


Comments

    I almost wanted to respond and argue with some points. Almost.

    Yo, we heard you want to fix Nintedo. So we put 'how to fix Nintendo' in a 'how to fix Nintendo' article about how to fix Nintedo, which isn't really about how to fix Nintendo.

    Nintendo.

    this was just to damn funny :) more of this on Kotaku ! great article :)

    Were I unwed I would take you in a manly fashion

    I noticed a few problems with your article "How To Fix ‘How To Fix Nintendo’ Articles" and would like to advise you on how to fix your "How To Fix ‘How To Fix Nintendo’ Articles" article...

    Primarily, I would like to address the point that I dislike most Nintendo games and that they deserve to die. Nobody in the industry adequately addresses this point and your "How To Fix 'How To Fix Nintendo' Articles" article would have been much improved by suggesting this addition to future 'How to Fix Nintendo' articles.

    Also, your meta article isn't meta enough. Needs more meta, and better meta.

    This was so biting it's drawn blood.

    Thank you.
    We can only hope that "they" listen to your sound advice and adapt to this new generation of "Nintendoom".

    This article is too long for my mobile device. :-P

    Also, love ya stuff Serrels but did you or Dominic Ryan write it?

    Last edited 24/01/14 12:19 pm

      He wrote it, I just gave him the idea

      Last edited 24/01/14 1:19 pm

    This is my favourite thing I've read all week.

    Now I'm not just saying this as a 'how to fix Nintendo' articles fanboy (I like 'how to fix Sony' articles too). But seriously, 'how to fix Nintendo' articles have saved the entire "how to fix X' articles industry numerous times, and are constantly innovative. I'm sick of reading this crap. (lol)

    Mark Serrels just won the internet. Congratulations. :)

    Yes sir you are the best haha, im going spead this http://www.kotaku.com.au/2014/01/how-to-fix-how-to-fix-nintendo-articles/ to all my friends

    Didnt read the article.

    Nintendo may not be doomed, but they are irrelevant.

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