The Promises Video Game Stars Should Make For 2014

The Promises Video Game Stars Should Make For 2014

2014?! Thank god. I was really getting tired of 2013. Hopefully 2014 will be rays of sunshine and progress and happiness to make up for the sludge that was 2013. Some prominent video game characters are with me on this. Let’s check in.

Lara Croft, Tomb Raider

Buy new outfits cause this one is getting really dirty.

Any Call of Duty protagonist ever

Stop following the guy in front of you and start being a leader.

Max Payne

Quit drinking…after this drink.

Master Chief, Halo

Hook up with Cortana already.

GLaDOS, Portal

Reflect internally about this obsession with other peoples’ weights.

John Marston, Red Dead Redemption

Reconnect with the kids.


Propose and invest in a high-tech security system; become one with the cat.

Ellie, The Last of Us

Learn to swim.

Isabelle, Animal Crossing

Take a day off.

Michael, GTA V

Find a new therapist.

Kaitlin Greenbriar, Gone Home

Mind your own business for once.

Your general manager, NBA 2K14

Save up money for a big purchase later. Like setting your starting rotations.

Any assassin in any Assassin’s Creed

Find a new job, the last one nearly killed you.


Team Kotaku and I had fun making some of these up, but please don’t let our bad jokes stop there. Take it away! And Happy New Year, everyone.

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