Florida Man Wants To Marry His "Porn Filled Apple Computer"

Florida Man Wants To Marry His

Chris Sevier, "a former Judge Advocate and combat veteran", has elbowed his way into a gay marriage lawsuit in Florida, claiming that if gays in the state might be allowed to get married, then he can marry his...laptop. That's full of porn.

Sevier reckons that if gay residents "have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object."

Part of his filing reads:

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I 'fell in love' with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

In case you haven't picked up on it yet, he's trolling, arguing against gay marriage in a way that is, while selfish and a waste of the court system's time, at least more entertaining than the same ol' Bible + Middle America line.

Florida Man Says He Wants to "Marry My Porn Filled Apple Computer" in Federal Gay Marriage Case [NewTimes, via Daily Dot]


Comments

    * Sigh *

    This reminds me of the people I unfortunately encounter on forums who think they've got a "checkmate" argument with "well, if homosexuals are allowed to marry then why can't cats and dogs?". If you have to ask such a ridiculous question then there is no answer that will ever satisfy you. For the rest of us, it's just so bleeding obvious.

      It's always amused me how those "checkmate" arguments often lack an important piece of logic. Speaks volumes to a persons thought process.....if you can call it that

      There's, though, a nugget of probably unintended truth in his snark: If he were actually an objectophiliac, his complaint would be valid. Except that objectophiliacs, similarly to many other paraphiliacs still live under a cover of shame weightier than the one gays are just now managing to lift so they wouldn't actually dare to do that.

      Gay people usually fail to realise that they're one of the few fortunate enough paraphilliacs to have the object of their love be another consensual adult, making their relationship legally solid under all but the most religious and bigoted laws.

    It would be great if the judge said "Sure, knock yourself out" and then gay marriage was legalised in Florida.

    Let's be honest, this is about the best arguments against gay marriage. This or "IT says in the Bible..."

    Reductio ad absurdum.

    This is Chewbacca.

      It doesn't make sense people, it just does. not. make. sense...

      Here look at the silly monkey.

    I would laugh so hard if this guy does get married to his laptop, gets a divorce and the laptop winds up getting everything.

      Don't both parties have to sign for a divorce? I suppose he could always destroy the computer, 'until death do you part,' but then he could get picked up for domestic abuse! :D

    "Sure. Just prove your laptop wants to marry you. Apple are pretty good looking laptops, they could probably do better than some homophobic asshole" - Judge.

    Seriously. Removing gender from marriage legislation does not also remove the requirement for consent. It's not difficult.

    Also, if he paid money for the laptop surely that would violate some sort of laws regarding slavery and/or prostitution?

      Or, you know, if he ever has to replace a part/power supply, etc. I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to replace my wife's parts at will.

        I think they call it a boob job.

        But yeah, my missus would kill me

    The internet. The world's best invention in probably the last century. Unfortunately it's given every idiot and their dog a voice but more importantly it's given them the opinion that what they have to say is important.

    *Yes I know the irony of my post :-P

      One thing that really bothers me is how we as a society keep making negative/stupid people famous. Take a look at the Westboro baptist church, a household name among the Internet, known by everyone. But they're a small bunch of yahoos, not even a big church, but the media and ourselves keep spreading their name while honest genuine people doing good in the world will never get any attention. You can go around feeding the homeless and no one will give a shit about you but if you hold up a sign that says "God hates f@gs" you're going to get an audience.

      The nature of the Internet troubles me too.

        The kardashians. What even anything the hell

    You know as soon as he hits his mid-life crisis he'll feel the need to upgrade anyway. The computer should steer clear of him.

    "Man argues against gay marriage, comes across as total loser."

    Forget all you people out there who think homosexual love is anything less than heterosexual love, or want to throw out the "But animals!" argument or bibles or whatever just so you can feel more validated than us. That's literally all you're ever spouting, that two consenting adults should never connect because they both have the same genitals. "Gosh, how scandalous. Jesus accepts everyone, but he'd never let equality be a thing!"

      except that "but animals!" isnt even valid* so basically its just religious texts.

      *dolphins, elephants, heaps of birds, some lizards, monkeys and more all engage in homosexual activity of some sort

    Apple's marketing department probably just did a spit take with their fancy coffees and said "That's our new slogan. Computing so good, you'll want to marry it." Then they'd go back to trying to start a nuclear war with Google and Samsung.

    *sigh* Alas, it seems these days that the only meaningful relationship I have is with my laptop.

    My PS3 is the other woman.

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