Good rivalries -- the kind that get you really riled up -- are hard to come by. We haven't very many good rivalries in a video game since Pokémon Red, in my opinion. But as much as people hate Gary Oak, he's got nothing your rival in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.
OK, I know that might sound ridiculous -- especially for those of you who aren't playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood. But stick with me here.
You remember Gary Oak, right? This guy?
He was in the Pokémon anime, and he was a total jerk:
It didn't help that Gary Oak was conventionally attractive, had good Pokémon, and he always seemed to be one step ahead of Ash Ketchum. Plus, lets be real, Gary had a shrill and annoying voice. It's kind of easy to hate Gary Oak -- nevermind when you have to actually deal with him in the games. In the games, Gary always wanted to battle at the worst times, and he carried a starter Pokémon that he picked precisely because you're weak to it. Even when you do something amazing like beat the Elite Four, Gary has to mess everything up by doing it before you do. Gary Oak is kind of the worst.
Yes, the character in the games is never outright called Gary, but cmon. That's totally who it is:
Plus, who cares what the game names Gary? Everyone takes the opportunity to rename rivals in Pokémon something offensive, because that's just how much people hated Gary, the first and original Pokémon rival.
Allow me to introduce you to someone that makes Gary Oak seem like a totally cool guy. Her name is Willow Pape, and you meet her in the new Kim Kardashian game. The first thing she did in my game was ask me if I was flirting with her boyfriend:
Dear readers, I was flirting with nobody's boyfriend. I didn't even know the guy. But this woman got all up in my face and started dissing me like she's hot shit or something. And she's just a D-Lister! Geeze. What kind of a name is "Willow Pape," anyway?
But not only does she lose it with you in person, but she also chooses to tell everyone about it on Twitter:
Given that the game is about trying to become a classy celebrity, this basic bitch stuff that Willow drags you into is no good. And that's why the game urges you to get a publicist -- to manage your public image, because immature people like Willow Pape will try to ruin it. Your publicist ends up suggesting that you go on a date with someone else to make it clear you weren't hitting on Willow Pape's boyfriend...
...and also goes through the trouble of starting up rumours about Willow Pape on Twitter, just to fight some fire with fire.
Willow Pape, bless her heart, totally takes the bait:
Meanwhile, the entire incident nets me a date with a cute girl:
I think I ended up winning this one.
To be clear: the situation presented in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is completely ridiculous. It's petty, even. Willow Pape is a grown-arse woman pulling some high school crap on you. But it's this pettiness that makes the rivalry so effective, as Willow Pape manages to get under your skin in a way that Gary Oak never does. And the situation only gets worse from this point onward, as you compete with Willow Pape to become an A-List celebrity with millions of fans. I just got done playing a part where I ended up throwing a drink at Willow Pape's shoes at a party -- she was being a total arsehole to me. It's...kind of great, to be honest. As much as I hate Willow Pape, she's made playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood all the more entertaining.
I'm not the only one that feels so strongly about Willow Pape, either...
— Alyy kels (@AlyyKels) July 23, 2014
Willow Pape thinks she's Regina George. Just remember, Regina George got hit by a bus, baby.
— Growlr Honey (@Nerdonic) July 18, 2014
— ✨Axl Dominic✨ (@AxlDCastro) July 24, 2014
The Kim Kardashian game got me like.... pic.twitter.com/PrMTsd4WyP
— foodporn (@F00DP0RN) July 26, 2014
it's a bird it's a plane oh no wait it's just willow pape pic.twitter.com/LRm9CaOjvp
— KimKGameProbs (@KimGameProbz) July 26, 2014
Willow Pape interview pic.twitter.com/l94FQH9Wzr
— Kardashian Logic (@kimklogic) July 24, 2014
this will come in handy when i murder willow pape pic.twitter.com/iB9l45pPMi
— KimKGameProbs (@KimGameProbz) July 24, 2014
— dara (@daratorbica) July 24, 2014
if you cannot defeat willow pape you become willow pape pic.twitter.com/Q0hBCcXOxI
— nard-dog (@DeannaLorena) July 24, 2014
— Emmie Herrmann (@emmieherrmann) July 21, 2014
— ☹ ☹ ☹ (@grxngeherreh) July 19, 2014
If this ain't Willow Pape trying to keep me from her man then idk what it is pic.twitter.com/t1ixHO5qz8
— 6 August 2014 ♌️ (@La_GotTheJUICE) July 19, 2014
what level does willow pape get stabbed in the game omg
— Khloé Kardashian (@khloekpedia) July 18, 2014
Hell, Willow Pape has her own hashtag on Twitter, #fuckwillowpape.
Some people swear that Willow Pape is based off of Paris Hilton, which is causing some Kim Kardashian fans to spam angrily Paris Hilton's Instagram pictures with the words "Willow Pape."
Maybe none of this convinces you that Willow Pape is the best video game rival since Gary Oak. But has Gary Oak ever inspired someone to write the words "bitch, why you mad? cause my pussy pops severely and yours dont?" I think not. Willow Pape has.