This is a public service announcement. Consider this a warning. If you're in a stable relationship and you''re thinking, 'hey maybe I should ruin all this peace and quiet by bringing a child into this God forsaken world' — think twice. Ruminate on that for a minute or two and think of the consequences.
Because I didn't, and now my misguided decision to procreate has me in somewhat of a quandary. I have a shit-tonne of video games that just don't fucking work. It is all the fault of my goddamn child.
Allow me to elaborate.
I have a son. He is 22 months old and he is a complete arsehole. For the first 10 months of his life he was cool. Sort just rolled around there, kept me awake at night, peed on me a bunch. I had to fish a fair few turds out of the bathtub — nothing I couldn't handle. Then, roughly around 10 months and two weeks into his existence he decided that walking was a thing he wanted to try out for a while. That's when things got a little bit 'problematic'.
In short, ever since this wee bastard could walk he's been messing with my shit. Namely, my video games. As a result I have a large number of extremely expensive, well-made coasters. These are the four video games that my son decided to destroy.
InFamous: Second Son I have no idea why my son decided to target InFamous: Second Son. Literally no idea. I suspect it was an issue of access. Simply put: my review copy of InFamous: Second Son was easy to dislodge from its case. You will find that this is a common thread in this tale of woe.
One of the problems with review copies of PlayStation 4 games is they don't come in the same boxes you see on shelves at retail. They tend to come in these flimsy little transparent cases. They are easy to open, easy to break and the game is visible from the outside. This is a killer. When my son inevitably gets his grubby little hands on these cases he knows something is inside and it is his sworn vow to remove the disc and do heinous things to it.
My InFamous: Second Son disc is a lost cause. It's covered in a ridiculous amount of scratches and fingerprints. It's beyond salvaging.
Perhaps the worst thing is this: he still wants to punish the game. He's already wrecked it, but that's not enough. The other day I caught him trying to use it as a skateboard. How does that even work? It doesn't even have wheels you idiot.
Pikmin 3 This one is the worst because it subverted all my dreams of an idyllic family life where my wife, my son and I would all play video games and exist in a state of eternal bliss.
Pikmin is a pretty important series for my wife and I. When the first game came out I played it alone. When the sequel came out I introduced it to my wife and we played it together constantly. To this day Pikmin the only series my wife actually cares about. When the third game was released I had this nice little idea that I would introduce my son to the game and we could play as a family.
My son decided to introduce himself to Pikmin 3. And then he destroyed it.
Guys, he fucked it up real bad. The problem is that the Wii U was the first console my son learned to turn on, so he would get into a habit of pressing all the buttons. When he pushed 'eject' and was rewarded with this little disc sliding out I can only assume he thought this was an alien object that needed to be terminated without prejudice.
So he stomped the shit out of it.
[Insert drowning Pikmin noise here]
Destiny By the time Destiny was released my son was already a repeat offender. His first two murders were clumsy, messy affairs. Evidence strewn through my living space, fingerprints all over the disc. When Destiny was released he was operating at the peak of his criminal powers. He was a cold, efficient video game killer.
The Destiny murder was, in many ways, the perfect crime.
All it took was one scratch. Just one. Right at the base of the disc. A clean cut right at the jugular. Now the game won't load. The PS4 won't even recognise it. We tried everything to resuscitate the poor bastard to no avail. I can't be sure that this was the work of my son — he's too clever by half, too clean, too organised. But this crime bears all the hallmarks of a master. He's killed before and he'll kill again.
Alien: Isolation Thankfully, this was one victim we managed to save.
My son was in the midst of a sadistic torture campaign. He had become more sophisticated in his criminal behaviour. This wasn't a one shot kill, it was a slow burn. In order torture my copy of Alien: Isolation for the PS4, my son had started slotting it into my Wii U and Xbox One... upside down. Could you imagine the pain of being in a console you don't run on... upside down? The pain. The humiliation. This is the work of a heartless sociopath without a single shred of humanity.
Thankfully I managed to rescue Alien: Isolation before it was too late. He still bears the psychological scars of being lodged inside the wrong console, but it lives on.
Alien: Isolation lives on.
But so does my son. And he must be stopped.