GTA In Portland Is A Terrible Idea

GTA In Portland Is A Terrible Idea

The Grand Theft Auto series has taken us to destination cities like London, New York, Miami, and Los Angeles. There has not, however, been a GTA game set in Portland, Oregon. That is probably for the best.

Over at the blog of real estate company Movoto (via NeoGAF), writer Willie Clark has published an article in which he argues that the next Grand Theft Auto game should be set in Portland. I like Grand Theft Auto just fine. And while I am a relative newcomer, I like Portland, too. But no, the next GTA game should not be set here.

Clark's post is mostly just a harmless bit of real estate puffery. I'm not sure he actually believes that GTA VI should be set in Portland or anywhere else; he's just found a fun way to list the number of police stations and cafés in Portland vs. GTA V's fictional Los Santos. (There are apparently 637 Portland cafes listed on Yelp. That feels about right to me.)

Here's a map that Clark says indicates what Portland would look like in GTA VI:

GTA In Portland Is A Terrible Idea

Yikes, that is bleak. I do not want to play that game.

For the sake of argument, let's break this thing down.

Actual Reasons Portland Would Be A Good GTA City:

  1. Portland is very "now." Everyone likes to make fun of this city. Thanks, Portlandia!
  2. The wilderness outside of Portland would make for some excellent off-road racing.
  3. There really are a lot of strip clubs here.
  4. "Beaverton" is a name ready-made for a GTA suburb. (joke credit)
  5. It sounds like Fred Armisen is kind of a GTA character already.

That's all I got. Portland is a lovely city: It's affordable, there's good music, the food is amazing, you can bike everywhere, and we just legalised pot. Unfortunately, none of those things are all that relevant for a GTA game.

In conclusion: Sorry, Mr Clark, but no sale. The next Grand Theft Auto game should be set anywhere but Portland.


Comments

    I suppose mowing down wave upon wave of hipsters in a tank would never get old,

      Amusing idea, but we were able to do that during one of Trev's rampage missions in GTAV. That filled my 'pop a hipster' quota. I even managed to come away from doing that mission with a fixie....winner.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KQxwH7MmZY

      They're not hipsters, they just never left the 90's.

    I like the idea for something fresh but agree it would suck.

    Miami needs to be the next one i loved Vice city and think it would work really well again.

      I LOVED Vice City, but I'd personally like to see somewhere new. I think Texas would probably be their best bet; midwest USA, environments such as deserts, forest, ocean. Dallas and San Antonio would be interesting cities to visit.

        I want a new Vice City - but with the whole of Florida - so many cities (Like San Andreas) imagine driving up to Orlando and seeing Glory Hole Theme Park brought to life!

    Doing side missions for Chuck Palahniuk could be interesting

      Until you realise the missions lack any real substance.

    I have so been waiting for Sydney to be the next GTA.

      Careful what you wish for. Guaranteed that would be banned from sale here because it "incites real life violence". Banned due to govenment minister intervention for good measure, because someone has to think of the children.

        On the plus side, no-one will have to pay Australia Tax on it, and retailers will have the biggest foot-stomping hissy fit in the history of sleeping in the bed you shat in.

        Nah, they'd just censor it (like GTA-V apparently is ... the first person 'next gen' prostitute footage still isn't fully graphic in our market where it is in US version supposedly) and remove all the Sydney landmarks like Centrepoint, Opera House and Harbour Bridge :) Corrent me if I'm wrong, but a long long time ago in a galaxy far away, I think someone was working on GTA III Sydney mod (which never saw the light of day I think)

      http://s2.photobucket.com/user/deanlk/media/gtamf4ml.jpg.html

      I thought of the above again today because the Macquarrie fields riots involved people in western Sydney who blamed the police for the deaths of suspects trying to outrun the police. Today, a toddler was killed when 5 police cars chased two suspects in a car. Some reports say it was the suspects' car that hit the toddler and others claim it was the police. So far the mother of the toddler blames the suspects. However, a neighbour blames the police.
      The suspect that was driving managed to flee the scene but is stated to be a violent criminal and well-known within the community. So I wonder if the community will riot again in support of the suspect.

    It's so terrible it's *awesome*, you mean.

    Love the idea, and some of the suburbs seems to be getting quite like Grove St, but I can't imagine it ever happening...

    They should set it in the old west and instead of cars have horses.

    Can we have one somewhere other than America for a change? I know the odds of it being set somewhere like Europe or Australia are about 0, but do we really have to be in the USA for every god damn game? London 1969 was made back in 1999. Surely it's time to give the UK another look. Seriously, wouldn't it be awesome to have a GTA game set across the UK and Ireland?

      America and Amerians lend themselves so well to parody, though. So well that many don't even get that's what it's doing.

    No. GTA in the UK/Ireland would be trash. I am British and the place is small, crowded and depressing. Grey, wet, full of chavs. There are 1000s of reasons NOT to ever set it in the UK.

    FYI GTA Sydney couldn't be banned. There are no laws or guidelines to ban a game just because it's set locally. Don't be stupid. Also, Sydney sucks. One big overrated, pretentious place imo.

    Set GTA in Carcer City. It would be an awesome rundown, trashy place. Filled with crime, psychos and Cash could make an appearance.

    Has anyone here actually been to Portland, or Oregon at all? I have, and its a great city, and Oregon as a state is unreal! Beyond silly internet and TV stereotypes (hipsters really? ever been to Los Angeles or Chicago? Jesus) Portland would be a refreshing change to the typical monotonous metropolitan setting all the GTA games have been set in so far. Oregon's national parks are incredible, and the driving roads are so much fun. It would be excellent to see a less centralized city/state in the next iteration of the series. Something that needs to be explored by plane, unlike Blaine Country and Los Santos that takes 6 mins to circumnavigate. Something different isn't always bad.

    Next GTA has to be based in Europe. Surely. We can go back and visit the Belic family. Hopefully they have left their shithole eastern block country and moved to London though,

    I would like to see GTA set in a different country. Return to London, or go something asian. Shit, GTA India wouldnt go amiss

    GTA Moscow - having visited there a few times in the 90's when my dad was working there - i can tell you THAT shit was crazy ! We even had a pseudo-GTA moment when our driver (who was ex-Russian-army tank regiment via Afghanistan) had to do some 'evasive driving' when the Bellic hit the fan during a street-protest gone wrong. Doesn't beat seeing a T-72 (Russian tank) firing on their White House (Parliament) from dad's apartment window (he lived a few blocks away) during the attempted Coup that Boris Yeltsin averted ! Moscow would be PERFECT !

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