You don't have to look very far to find naked breasts in video games. Uncensored dicks, on the other hand? Those are rarer. Maybe that's changing. Have you noticed that there are a surprising number of recent big games that show uncensored penises? I couldn't help but wonder if uncensored dicks are becoming more common in games. So, I've tried to find out.
Warning: this post contains uncensored NSFW pictures!
Over the last week, I've been up to my ears with digital dicks. How many games these days feature uncensored dicks? Are there more now than there used to be? What kinds of dicks do games depict -- are they circumsised, for example? I'm here to share my findings with you, in all their floppy, pink glory.
I'm mostly focusing on mainstream games -- obscure eroge games might be saucy, but there are simply too many of them to keep track of. I'm also disqualifying any dicks that the result of user-created mods, as well as sex scenes where you can't see a penis. Sorry, Hot Coffee. With all that said...let's jump in. Here are the ways that video games have depicted dicks over the years.
Custer's Revenge, 1982
One of the earliest known video game dicks is, unsurprisingly, also a controversial one. Custer's Revenge was an Atari 2600 game that starred none other than George Armstrong Custer himself. The goal of the game was to make it across the screen to a tied up Native American woman, all while avoiding arrows. If Custer makes it there safely, he rapes the woman.
Custer's Revenge isn't the first 'adult' video game -- text adventures have Gone There for a while -- but it remains one of the earliest games to graphically depict a penis, and an erect one at that.
Turns out, penises are surprisingly common in early video games. 1982 also saw the release of "Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em," a game where a man pumps something (semen? pee?) out of his junk, into the mouths of women below him:
The Atari 2600 was also blessed with the release of X-Man, a pornographic game that has nothing to do with mutants. In this game, a man tries to make his way out of a labyrinth. If players are successful, they are rewarded with a sex scene:
X-Man also proves that the issue of perfecting (and failing at) breast physics is a phenomenon as old as the industry itself.
The most ridiculous out of all these early Atari games has to be Bachelor Party, though. The premise is familiar: It's pretty much Breakout, but replace the bricks with women. Also, substitute the ball with a naked man with a raging erection. Um... yeah.
Source: Weird Video Games
Most of these games are kind of... gross. But it's still wild to think that they all came out in 1982. It's not something I would have expected, especially given how rare male nudity is in games.
Rampage: World Tour, 1997
As those of you who have played Rampage before know, the monsters in Rampage are actually humans who survived experimentation. And if you happen to take enough damage as a monster while playing World Tour, the godzilla-like creatures will all revert back to their human forms -- which happen to be naked. While the characters cover themselves up quickly, you can still catch a glimpse of some wang.
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude, 2004
Naturally, a series like Leisure Suit Larry -- which is all about seducing women -- has depicted some nudity from time to time. Surprisingly, this also includes the protagonist himself!
Manhunt 2, 2007
This dick belongs to Piggsy, a disturbing antagonist from Manhunt. Weirdly, you only see his penis when you first encounter him -- after that, his model doesn't have it anymore.
You'll also note that at this point, the door for more detailed penises has opened.
Penumbra: Black Plague, 2008
Source: Frictional Games
But "details" can also lead to nightmare situations, as this abomination proves. Look at that infected, raw-looking dick in Penumbra. OK, maybe don't look at it. Barf.
Grand Theft Auto 4: The Lost and the Damned, 2009
The expansion DLC for GTA IV lets you play as a biker who gets pressured by a congressman into committing murder. You're looking at the congressman right now, in fact! We called this the "very first glimpse of digital dick on the Xbox 360" back in 2009. It may also be the hairiest dong in games.
Heavy Rain, 2010
Heavy Rain is a curious case: you can't actually see this nudity in the game proper. Not without glitches or modding, at least. But even though it wouldn't be visible to most people, Quantic Dream still went through the trouble of designing and modelling Ethan's genitals. Years later, they would go on to do something similar in Beyond: Two Souls. Also, it looks like Ethan manscapes -- no detail is too small, I guess!
Amnesia: The Dark Descent, 2010
During a morgue portion in Amnesia, players can find the naked body of a deceased man on table. Spooky, right?
Dante's Inferno, 2010
If we must remember Dante's Inferno for something, let it be for depicting what may be gaming's biggest dick. Which, by the way, belongs to Satan. Because of course it does.
Animal Crossing: New Leaf, 2012
And now for an inclusion out of left field. Nintendo has indeed rendered a modern video game dong -- it belongs to Animal Crossing's version of David, but still. That's a dick. In a Nintendo game. Whoa.
Not only do the models in Rust have dicks, players have actually taken to trolling each other because of it. In this video, you can watch YouTuber NormalDifficulty go around with a band of naked men who force other players to take off their pants... or else.
Outlast: Whistleblower DLC, 2014
Few things say "terror" as much as "almost having your dick sawed off by a villain" does. Don't worry, though. The player gets saved just in the nick of time. No digital dongs were harmed in the making of this video game.
Far Cry 4, 2014
Even if you've played Far Cry 4, chances are good you missed its penis scene -- it flashes by so quickly! Thankfully, eagle-eyed Nick Robinson caught it for us.
South Park: The Stick of Truth, 2014
These are actually just a couple of the genitals that the South Park game depicts -- but, that's probably not surprising. It wouldn't be South Park otherwise, now would it?
GTA V, 2014
In 2015, having a Rockstar game depict genitals isn't particularly noteworthy. But, interestingly, after players figured out how to mod GTA, some put on the flaccid penis model to troll and harass other GTA Online players. More specifically, players would pretend to rape other players while using this specific penis model. The "joys" of multiplayer gaming, I guess.
Apotheon looks like a Greek myth lifted straight off an old piece of pottery -- so it makes sense that it has so many dicks. Erect dicks, too! You'll note that most modern games don't depict genitals this way.
The Order: 1866, 2015
Right after The Order: 1866 leaked online, people seemed obsessed with two things: the length of the game, and the fact that, as Kirk Hamilton noted in his review, The Order has an "unusual number of free-hanging dicks." What makes the one in the GIF above particularly funny is that that scene happens mere moments after you catch this guy having sex -- he seems to immediately lose his boner after seeing you. Which, you know...fair enough.
And now for the honorable mentions!
Mount Your Friends
The competitive climbing game has contributed greatly to the representation of dicks in gaming -- it was the first game to include "dick physics." We can only hope that other games will follow suit. For this, we will also commend 2014's Loadout:
The SMT Series
Shin Megami Tensei games sure love a demon with a good cock. The one that most people know about is the dick chariot, Mara:
This is a real character, which you can use to attack enemies in SMT games. Hilariously, there are actually enough penis monsters in SMT to make a top ten list. Wow.
Kane and Lynch 2
While the dicks are censored, you actually have to play through an entire level like this -- all cut up and naked.
And, there you have it. Gaming's most notable dicks. After a dry spell in the '90s, dick production in video games seems to have come back into fashion in the 2000s, particularly in the last five years. It could be that developers are becoming bolder. For now, we can only wait until some brave developer finally depicts modern gaming's first erect penis. It could be a bit of a wait, but you never know.
Picture: Jim Cooke