An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks [NSFW]

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

You don't have to look very far to find naked breasts in video games. Uncensored dicks, on the other hand? Those are rarer. Maybe that's changing. Have you noticed that there are a surprising number of recent big games that show uncensored penises? I couldn't help but wonder if uncensored dicks are becoming more common in games. So, I've tried to find out.

Warning: this post contains uncensored NSFW pictures!

Over the last week, I've been up to my ears with digital dicks. How many games these days feature uncensored dicks? Are there more now than there used to be? What kinds of dicks do games depict — are they circumsised, for example? I'm here to share my findings with you, in all their floppy, pink glory.

I'm mostly focusing on mainstream games — obscure eroge games might be saucy, but there are simply too many of them to keep track of. I'm also disqualifying any dicks that the result of user-created mods, as well as sex scenes where you can't see a penis. Sorry, Hot Coffee. With all that said...let's jump in. Here are the ways that video games have depicted dicks over the years.

Custer's Revenge, 1982

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: DavetheUsher

One of the earliest known video game dicks is, unsurprisingly, also a controversial one. Custer's Revenge was an Atari 2600 game that starred none other than George Armstrong Custer himself. The goal of the game was to make it across the screen to a tied up Native American woman, all while avoiding arrows. If Custer makes it there safely, he rapes the woman.

Custer's Revenge isn't the first 'adult' video game — text adventures have Gone There for a while — but it remains one of the earliest games to graphically depict a penis, and an erect one at that.

Turns out, penises are surprisingly common in early video games. 1982 also saw the release of "Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em," a game where a man pumps something (semen? pee?) out of his junk, into the mouths of women below him:

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: SAslowdown

The Atari 2600 was also blessed with the release of X-Man, a pornographic game that has nothing to do with mutants. In this game, a man tries to make his way out of a labyrinth. If players are successful, they are rewarded with a sex scene:

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: Zibri

X-Man also proves that the issue of perfecting (and failing at) breast physics is a phenomenon as old as the industry itself.

The most ridiculous out of all these early Atari games has to be Bachelor Party, though. The premise is familiar: It's pretty much Breakout, but replace the bricks with women. Also, substitute the ball with a naked man with a raging erection. Um... yeah.

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: Weird Video Games

Most of these games are kind of... gross. But it's still wild to think that they all came out in 1982. It's not something I would have expected, especially given how rare male nudity is in games.

Rampage: World Tour, 1997

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: I-Mockery.

As those of you who have played Rampage before know, the monsters in Rampage are actually humans who survived experimentation. And if you happen to take enough damage as a monster while playing World Tour, the godzilla-like creatures will all revert back to their human forms — which happen to be naked. While the characters cover themselves up quickly, you can still catch a glimpse of some wang.

Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude, 2004

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: GamesRadar

Naturally, a series like Leisure Suit Larry — which is all about seducing women — has depicted some nudity from time to time. Surprisingly, this also includes the protagonist himself!

Manhunt 2, 2007

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: Warosu

This dick belongs to Piggsy, a disturbing antagonist from Manhunt. Weirdly, you only see his penis when you first encounter him — after that, his model doesn't have it anymore.

You'll also note that at this point, the door for more detailed penises has opened.

Penumbra: Black Plague, 2008

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: Frictional Games

But "details" can also lead to nightmare situations, as this abomination proves. Look at that infected, raw-looking dick in Penumbra. OK, maybe don't look at it. Barf.

Grand Theft Auto 4: The Lost and the Damned, 2009

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: Lucsy3012

The expansion DLC for GTA IV lets you play as a biker who gets pressured by a congressman into committing murder. You're looking at the congressman right now, in fact! We called this the "very first glimpse of digital dick on the Xbox 360" back in 2009. It may also be the hairiest dong in games.

Heavy Rain, 2010

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: GamesRadar

Heavy Rain is a curious case: you can't actually see this nudity in the game proper. Not without glitches or modding, at least. But even though it wouldn't be visible to most people, Quantic Dream still went through the trouble of designing and modelling Ethan's genitals. Years later, they would go on to do something similar in Beyond: Two Souls. Also, it looks like Ethan manscapes — no detail is too small, I guess!

Amnesia: The Dark Descent, 2010

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: oyster0

During a morgue portion in Amnesia, players can find the naked body of a deceased man on table. Spooky, right?

Dante's Inferno, 2010

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: Jawee

If we must remember Dante's Inferno for something, let it be for depicting what may be gaming's biggest dick. Which, by the way, belongs to Satan. Because of course it does.

Animal Crossing: New Leaf, 2012

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

And now for an inclusion out of left field. Nintendo has indeed rendered a modern video game dong — it belongs to Animal Crossing's version of David, but still. That's a dick. In a Nintendo game. Whoa.

Rust, 2013

Not only do the models in Rust have dicks, players have actually taken to trolling each other because of it. In this video, you can watch YouTuber NormalDifficulty go around with a band of naked men who force other players to take off their pants... or else.

Outlast: Whistleblower DLC, 2014

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: AndrewOscarDelta

Few things say "terror" as much as "almost having your dick sawed off by a villain" does. Don't worry, though. The player gets saved just in the nick of time. No digital dongs were harmed in the making of this video game.

Far Cry 4, 2014

Even if you've played Far Cry 4, chances are good you missed its penis scene — it flashes by so quickly! Thankfully, eagle-eyed Nick Robinson caught it for us.

South Park: The Stick of Truth, 2014

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks
An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

These are actually just a couple of the genitals that the South Park game depicts — but, that's probably not surprising. It wouldn't be South Park otherwise, now would it?

GTA V, 2014

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: Kobetastrophy

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: calloftreyarch

In 2015, having a Rockstar game depict genitals isn't particularly noteworthy. But, interestingly, after players figured out how to mod GTA, some put on the flaccid penis model to troll and harass other GTA Online players. More specifically, players would pretend to rape other players while using this specific penis model. The "joys" of multiplayer gaming, I guess.

Apotheon, 2015

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Apotheon looks like a Greek myth lifted straight off an old piece of pottery — so it makes sense that it has so many dicks. Erect dicks, too! You'll note that most modern games don't depict genitals this way.

The Order: 1866, 2015

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Right after The Order: 1866 leaked online, people seemed obsessed with two things: the length of the game, and the fact that, as Kirk Hamilton noted in his review, The Order has an "unusual number of free-hanging dicks." What makes the one in the GIF above particularly funny is that that scene happens mere moments after you catch this guy having sex — he seems to immediately lose his boner after seeing you. Which, you know...fair enough.

And now for the honorable mentions!

Mount Your Friends

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

The competitive climbing game has contributed greatly to the representation of dicks in gaming — it was the first game to include "dick physics." We can only hope that other games will follow suit. For this, we will also commend 2014's Loadout:

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: xAfroDanYT

The SMT Series

Shin Megami Tensei games sure love a demon with a good cock. The one that most people know about is the dick chariot, Mara:

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

This is a real character, which you can use to attack enemies in SMT games. Hilariously, there are actually enough penis monsters in SMT to make a top ten list. Wow.

Kane and Lynch 2

An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks

Source: Gamecola

While the dicks are censored, you actually have to play through an entire level like this — all cut up and naked.

And, there you have it. Gaming's most notable dicks. After a dry spell in the '90s, dick production in video games seems to have come back into fashion in the 2000s, particularly in the last five years. It could be that developers are becoming bolder. For now, we can only wait until some brave developer finally depicts modern gaming's first erect penis. It could be a bit of a wait, but you never know.

Picture: Jim Cooke


Comments

    Isn't that Piggy from Manhunt 1, not 2?

    Uh. Cool? Thanks for this. Needed it.

    How can you make an abridged history without the ultimate contribution to DOS gaming in the late 80s, the seminal 'Astrotit'? Go forth and seek, and have your mind forever scarred.

    "it was the first game to include “dick physics.” We can only hope that other games will follow suit."
    http://www.kotaku.com.au/2015/02/how-video-game-breasts-are-made-and-why-they-can-go-wrong/
    The hypocrisy is palpable Patricia.

      What hypocrisy?

      Having just re-read the article on breasts, I didn't see anywhere that the author thought that animating breasts was a bad thing.

    Comparing uncensored penises to breasts is false equivalence in my opinion unless of course you are someone who refers to them as "chesticles". Joke aside, my point is that unless humanity has mutated, female genitalia is between their legs, not on their chest. (ie. The Vulva and other parts) Which brings me to an honest question. Why is it always so ok to openly discuss and model/create penises in games but as soon as someone starts talking about breasts, let alone vulvas, it's all seriousness and accusations of objectification? Is it context? Is it how they're portrayed? Or is it just tilting at windmills?

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