Minecraft Turned My Child Into A Monster

I knew this game was trouble. I just knew it.

(Note: This article is a parody written in response to a News.com.au article with the same title. Also: Mormons are cool. There's nothing wrong with being a Mormon. I love Mormons.)

Minecraft. The craft part I could handle. Craft is good. They have craft at my son’s Sunday School. They make things there. They draw pictures of Jesus. Zaccheus. Animals go in two by two. I like craft. Who doesn’t like craft?

But Mines? Mines are bad. They’re dark. Small spaces. Exploitation of labour.The Australian economy, so dependent on the loops of lucre, the endless shift of dust and earth, caving as it were to the spiritual weakness of men and their infernal machines. Mines are a gateway to hell itself.

Minecraft. Mine. Craft.

But I let my son play. Why wouldn’t I? All his friends were playing. Talking about it. I didn’t want him to be left out? Who wants their child removed from simple pleasures? Mormons. That’s who. I didn’t want my son to become a Mormon.

So it was, on that fateful day, that I reluctantly handed my flesh and blood an iPad and told him to play. Play this game my child, or become a Mormon. That is your choice.

He didn’t want to play at first. His bottom lip quivered. I picked him up by the hair, pulled him close, close enough to feel the flicker of spittle on his face as I screamed “SON, DO YOU WANT TO BECOME A MORMON? BECAUSE IF YOU WANT TO BECOME A MORMON THERE’S THE GODDAMN DOOR YOU MORMON LOVER”.

And that’s when I threw him. Headfirst into the naughty cupboard and locked the door. I slid the spittle covered iPad ‘neath the door alongside a hand-written message: PLAY MINECRAFT OR BECOME A MORMON.

I left him there, checking up every so often, just to make sure he was bathing in the white light of that devilish technology and trickery. He must become one with the world, lest he stumble down darker paths.

So he played. I watched as his dead eyes flickered and danced beneath the lights of your so-called Minecraft. That game your children play, learn from. Is this what it means to be human? To raise a child in this broken world? I stroked my weathered beard ‘neath a furrowed brow and pondered the mysteries.

Minecraft.

Mine. Craft.

Minecraft.

When willst thou unlock thy mysteries? How?


Twas but three days later I began noticing the change.

I unlocked the cupboard door, intent as I was upon feeding my son his daily dose of rabbit stew and minced potatoes. His hair was raggled, some might say taggled. These are naught but words, I’m merely trying to describe the chaos of my son’s hair. Such is the way of things, of human hair, matted as it was with grease, covering his face, betraying a dark secret.

His teeth had grown, expanded in length, rendering themselves sharp, sharper than any human teeth I had seen.

His demeanour too, had taken a shift for the worse. Lack of human contact will transform a man, make him wary, shatter his sense of compassion. This was different. More pronounced. More, what’s the word? Feral.

I quickly shut the door, bolted it. I slumped to the ground and collected myself. I wandered towards the window and gazed up at the sky in despair. I bathed in the orange hue of a waning moon.

Minecraft.

Mine. Craft.

Minecraft?

One week later.

I awoke to the sound of growling. Animal growling, rattling commotion. I ran down the stairs, stumbling, regaining my balance in panic. Where was the noise coming from? What was that noise?

Somewhere in some lost, dusty ventricle in my blackened heart I already knew. I approached the door that led to my son. That led to Minecraft.

All of a sudden. The noise stopped. Silence.

I creaked open the door. The soft white-light of Minecraft creeped through the gap.

Breathing in the corner. The sound of slobber pit-pat-pattering. One deep breath. I flicked the switch. Light. A cupboard now drowning in light.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Was this a hallucination? Some kind of strange nightmare?

Before me, panting. Snarling, growling menacingly in the corner. My son.

My son had become a werewolf.

Minecraft turned my child into a monster.


I’ve learned much from this experience. So much. I’ve learned that Minecraft has the unholy power to change children into beasts. To alter their genetic make-up to the point where the presence of a full moon transforms them into werewolves.

I’ve learned much about its demonic powers.

Where to now for my son and I? Who can tell what the future holds. My son is a werewolf and there’s nothing I can do to change that. I was foolish, wasn’t I? So foolish to think that I could stave off mormonism with the strange worldly allure of Minecraft. I was wrong. I was so very wrong.

I sleep lightly now my friends. ‘Neath the feathery down of my midnight pillow lies a pistol. Loaded, cocked and ready to fire.

One silver bullet for my son, for Minecraft has transformed him into a monster.


Comments

    Presenting your Gold Lizzie winner, everyone.

    *slow clap*

    Minecraft didn't turn him into a monster. I've read previous articles that mention your offspring. He started that way. :p

    Mark? Do you like writing articles this way? How does writing these articles make you feel? Do you think maybe we should restrict your writing to an hour a day? Maybe it's time to stop, hey champ?

    That article was dumb as shit. I would get angry too if I had to try and play it on an iPad.

      Piss-poor parenting, if you ask me.

        EXACTLY. Just because it's digital people get cranky as shit. Guess what? When i was 7 I didn't want to stop playing with my lego, and my Mum and Dad demanded I join them for dinner. I chucked a tanty. I got a slapping on my backside, just one. Guess what I didn't do after that?

        Parents these days, seriously -_-

          Yes, because violence solves everything, especially when you are trying to set an example to a child. Guess what - your parents were wrong to hit you, and so were mine for hitting me. Violence is not a learning tool, it is a petty, childish response to a complex situation.

          "My father beat the hell out of me. All it did was make me fantasize about the day I could murder him." - Don Draper

            Ease up turbo. Nobody is advocating beating a child senseless here...

            You just quoted a fictional character.

            "Please leave."
            -me

              I was trying to think of something to say back, but you nailed it. Thanks bud :P

        I think one of the greatest challenges of parenting would probably be teaching tolerance of mobile/handheld/console-peasants.

        Your kid needs to know that the PC reigns supreme as the superior platform and that anyone who chooses another platform is a pitiable creature of deficient taste/intellect, but you can't let them know that outside of Internet arguments without repercussions from the uncouth mob.

        Tough lessons.

    That original article is gross.

      Breaking news: young child acts like child when toy taken away.

      Next up: water surprisingly wet, what does it mean?

    Just read the News.com article. What was that??! Seriously? Seemed more like lack of parental enforced discipline was turning that kid into a monster. But in the end, at least the consumption of the game was moderated... like any responsible person would do...?

      It sounded like such a load. Seven year olds do not talk like that.

        Sure they do. It's just you have to start counting their age from the year they started their Psych postgrad.

        All the father do was teach the kid to blame his issues on something else. "It's OK son, it wasn't your fault you acted like a c***, it's Minecrafts fault. Here, have a cuddle"

    BECAUSE IF YOU WANT TO BECOME A MORMON THERE’S THE GODDAMN DOOR YOU MORMON LOVER

    This also made me laugh out loud in that goddamn single minute of silence that inevitably comes around an office every hour.

    I'm just impressed that Serrels remembered to link to the original article :P

    But bravo, excellent article. The original reeks of the 'McDonalds made my kids fat' argument.

      Came here to say pretty much this.

      There'll always be a crutch for parents to lean on. Today that's Minecraft.

    dafuq did i just read? i thought this was a journo site, not creative writing?

      http://www.kotaku.com.au/about/:
      At Kotaku Australia, we’re carefully trying to build a reputation for creating the strongest, most engaging content surrounding games and gaming culture.
      It surrounds games, you're engaging, so mission accomplished?

        http://cdn.historycommons.org/images/events/b027_bush_mission_accomplished_2050081722-7750.jpg

    On the original article: My then-3 year old son would get really angry when he stopped playing Super Mario 3D World. It wasn't because "he gets left alone while he builds his world from the ground up and he calls the shots" - It was because he was having fun, and then the fun stopped before he wanted it to. Though I think it would have been exacerbated if he were in that empowering situation. And I doubt that the symptoms would be solely around gaming (e.g. I would hate to get dragged out of the middle of a game of soccer because "it's time to stop").

    I talked it through with him, explained that if he kept it up he wouldn't even get to start playing, and after a couple of weekends of decreasing tantrums, even he understood that it was bad behaviour.

    He's pretty good about it now at 4-and-a-bit. Still get the occasional tantrum when we stop, but that just means that we don't play next time he wants to.

    Amazing what a bit of sensible interaction with your child can do, even when they're that young. This parenting thing is easy ;)

      Oh my god, you interacted with your child and they learnt? But it was the game's fault!!!

      Kudos for good parenting ^_^

      as a parent of a increasingly strong willed 2.5 year old, i salute you.

    Oh my god that was great. I think it had more in touch with reality than the original article. Well played Serrels :P

    Why did I read this in an airport now im getting stared at because im laughing like a madman lol great read serrels

      Just look around, smile without showing teeth, and tell everyone that "God is great"

      In Arabic, of course.

    Great read.
    On a serious note, what I found works with our little one is some prior warning, have a look at what they're up to and say something like, "just finish that level/quest" or "one more level and that's it". Kids will get upset if you abruptly terminate whatever it is they're enjoying, gaming, playground, TV show, etc.

    I've spent hours and hours playing Minecraft to make sure that if I ever do have kids, it's a safe game for them to play. I haven't come to a conclusion yet, because I'm currently back in to testing Borderlands: The Handsome Collection to make sure each character is safe to play up to Level 72. I'll get back to you with a full report once I'm done.

    parents learns son is a turd... parent finds thing to blame... parent writes article... ERMAGERD THE MINE CREFT IS BAARRRD FUR MAH KID

    ipads are not parents... children require a real parent(s) and discipline... i read most of the original news.com.au article and holy crap... if i'd of pulled shit like that when i was kid... holy crap...

    i like that Mark wrote this how he did

      I'd Like to come in and say ERMAGERD THE MINE CREFT IS BAARRRD.

    Have you been at the Glen Farclas Mark?

    Here's a conversation I had with my six year old son who was playing Minecraft at the time:

    6yo: Hey Mummy do you want to come and look at my new house?
    Me: You have a new house? Cool! Did you build it?
    6yo: Nah, I stole it from a villager. But it's okay, I killed him first. With my IRON SWORD!

    Monster. :P

      Who was it who gave the best word of approval on that? Bob? Red?

      "He paid the IRON PRICE!"

    After reading both articles, I'm just happy my partner and I have already decided that children are not for us.

      Well, at least the Seventeen cats you will enviably own will be able to get some peace and quiet then.

        2 dogs max. My partner already has a cat and he is a nightmare. In my 30 years ive only lived about 3 without a cat where I'm living.

        Im pretty sure nobody envies a person that has 17 cats!

        Last edited 20/05/15 10:07 am

    Oh, and @markserrels the Mormon thing made me uncomfortable. I understand it's a parody but I really wish you'd chosen something fictional instead of Mormons. I enjoyed your writing in spite of it though, so maybe Minecraft's made me a monster, too. :P

      I spent a long time trying to think of something else, and then wrote the disclaimer instead. I actually have Mormon friends, so it also kinda made me a little uncomfortable too :|

        It's ok. Mormon sounds enough like monster to make them the natural choice.

    As someone who read the original overly sensationalist article, as someone who was that kid and remains to this day that maladjusted adult - if your kid gets into a frothing rage about this, depressed for days etc, take your child to a doctor instead of writing it off as "kids will be kids." Please.

    I don't understand the linked article. It reads the way @krisk so eloquently put it, but at one stage it says, right in the article:
    "So putting this outburst of fury into my son’s context, here is this big bloke who calls all the other shots and, on some level, must represent his disempowerment, taking away from him the one thing over which he has complete control. Minecraft."
    ... So you do understand that the issue is not the game, but you disempowering your child, yet you still write AN ENTIRE ARTICLE BLAMING MINECRAFT BECAUSE OBIVOUSLY ITSMINECRAFTTURNINGMYCHILDINTOAMONSTERAAARRRRGGGH!!!!!!!!!!
    ...
    ... Uh, sorry about that. I think news.com.au turned me into a monster briefly.

    Last edited 19/05/15 1:56 pm

    I think that this parody is distracting from what is otherwise a pretty serious issue: addiction. It is not the game's fault. It is really difficult for adults to break free of addictions, because by and large, adults cannot be told what to do. When you recognise an addiction in a child, it is really important as a parent to not only control the addiction but to teach the child how to control it. After all, the addiction is something that will probably lurk in the background that child's entire life, so learning to control it is vital. The author of the original article I think did well in not banning the child from playing the game, but helping the child to recognise the symptoms of addiction and to provide a structured response to it.

    The comments accompanying the original article make me weep.

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