Snacktaku PSA: Snacking While Sleepy Can Kill A Pizza

Snacktaku PSA: Snacking While Sleepy Can Kill A Pizza

This was once a pizza. Now it is a cautionary tale.

The once proud frozen disc of dough, meat, cheese and sauce was transformed late last night in a three-hour, 375 degree ritual I can only imagine was excruciatingly painful. It certainly smelled painful, and if I know anything it's the smell of pain.

At 2 AM this Sunday morning I found myself a bit peckish. Between a massive computer hardware failure and The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, I'd spent most of Saturday thinking of anything but putting non-caffeinated things in my body. Awakening from a brief controller-handed chair nap, I decided it was the perfect time to do something that would require my attention some 25 minutes into the future.

On the one hand, I should have known there'd be no way I'd remain conscious for the near half-hour it would take for a frozen pizza to succumb to the heat of our ancient snack forge.

On the other hand, look at this thing. It was custom made for my digestive system. The crust is even shaped like my intestines!

Snacktaku PSA: Snacking While Sleepy Can Kill A Pizza

And so I preheated the oven, slipped the frost-rimmed disc of red and gold into my oven's ample cavern and returned to my chair to do something that doesn't really matter now, because obviously I didn't do it.

At 5:30 AM this Sunday morning I awoke to the scent of horrible damage done to something that once smelled quite pleasant. Realising immediately that the pizza I dreamed I ate and reality's pie were not one in the same, I dashed to the kitchen and turned off the heat. Then I went out onto my back porch and reflected on the snack murderer I had become. Also because it smelled better outside.

Like a fledgling sorcerer reluctant to gaze upon the horrors his dark arts had wrought, I didn't open the oven until 4PM.

Gaze upon this once-delectable hellscape and know my despair.

Snacktaku PSA: Snacking While Sleepy Can Kill A Pizza

I've been staring at this image for 10 minutes, trying to figure out which alien bits were which tasty morsels. I believe the light brown is the bacon, while the deceptively brownie crust looking bits were once cheese. If I were called down to the morgue to identify this body, I'd be hard-pressed.

Contrary to popular belief, eating before bedtime will not make you fat -- the calories in a bedtime snack have the same effect on your body as those in daytime munchies. As long as you avoid foods that might give you trouble sleeping by causing heartburn or overstimulating to the point of insomnia, you should be fine.

But I will never know if this pizza would have given me heartburn or caused insomnia, for it is a dead thing -- even more so than before. I hurt it before it had the chance to hurt me, though that's no excuse.

My failure is complete, but it's not too late for you. If you're up way too late or haven't slept properly in ages and feel the urge to cook something in a device that could potentially set your entire house on fire, ask yourself this: "Is that Optimus Prime in the top image with the burnt pizza?"

More or less.


Comments

    So you burnt a pizza.
    Whoop-de-doo....

      That's not a pizza. I don't know people can buy that shit.

        At first i thought it was made out of chocolate with chips on top.

    Why have a pizza at 2A FREAKING M?, HAVE SOMETHING THAT IS SMALL FOR A SNACK, NOT A GODDAMN FUCKING PIZZA, IT IS COMMON SENSE THAT PIZZA IS FOR DINNER ONLY, NOT A GODDAMN FREAKING MIDNIGHT SNACK, ALSO GO TO BED AT MIDNIGHT SO YOUR BODY GETS A LOT OF HOURS TO RECUPERATE

      You've never ordered a late night/early morning pizza? Some Domino's are open until 2am...

        As an uni student who works at dominos, I hate you.

          As a guy that came home after a skinful of beverages ordered a pizza fell asleep on the couch and then woke up at 9am with quite a few missed calls on my phone.... AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA......

        Your body clock at 2 am needs only 1 thing: sleep, NOT FOOD THAT WILL SIT IN YOUR STOMACH AT A TIME WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN BED, oh and in terms of risk to health at a time of an obesity epidemic, 24 hour fast food outlets can do the same amount of damage to the body as *prepares for an influx of angry repies* a 24 hour pub or other places where they serve booze *flame war will ensume*. So at 2am, the only place you need to be is bed, sleeping, not eating at a time when you are supposed to be asleep,plus it is a waste of money ordering pizza then, now excuse me whilst i watch an afl panel show i

          What if I worked afternoons or nights? 2am may be my 6pm.

          You're not the boss of my body clock.

          Which is telling me I need another few hours of distractions.

            Shame on you for still being up after midnight. Didn't your mother ever set your bedtime?

              It's possible I wasn't paying attention at the time.

          You're real bossy...

          At 2am I usually think about going to bed - But if I only just finished work at 11pm like I used to years ago then I wouldnt be in bed till well after 5/6am

          Open your mind a bit... Not everyone is like you (THANKFULLY)

      IT IS COMMON SENSE THAT PIZZA IS FOR DINNER ONLYDude. Pizza is for every meal.

      Especially breakfast.

        Actually, on the theory that your dinner should be relatively light so that your body has more chance to burn kilojoules while you're awake, breakfast is the best time for pizza. (Though you would want to have it with something low-GI so you don't feel sleepy afterwards.)

      What kind of gamer are you?! 2am is munchy gaming time... Grab another beer, hit the bong and get through another hour or two!

    This happens to the best of us, i once left a pizza cooking for a few hours longer than i should of one night (prolly around the 2am mark too) because i was distracted at a LAN party. Wasnt a total loss because we used the pizza the next day as a carbon Frisbee but it soon shattered like glass when it hit the wall.

    And this is why we set an alarm when we put things in the oven folks.

    Also, might be a good idea to check the batteries in your smoke alarms.

    Contrary to popular belief, eating before bedtime will not make you fat — the calories in a bedtime snack have the same effect on your body as those in daytime munchies. As long as you avoid foods that might give you trouble sleeping by causing heartburn or overstimulating to the point of insomnia, you should be fine.
    Unless you have sources I'm not sure I'd trust nutritional advice from someone who a)thinks frozen pizza is perfectly fine to have in the early hours of the morning and b)horribly burnt said pizza.
    in particular, whilst the energy content does not change, I do believe there is the argument that the body's ability to process it does change depending on the time of day; http://content.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1920374,00.html

      http://www.bidmc.org/YourHealth/TherapeuticCenters/WeightManagement.aspx?ChunkID=156995

      There is one of many sauces on that myth pizza.

      Mmmmmmm....myth pizza!

      I think that main point of the comments was to get @dinoking the health nazi to chill the f*ck out. Dude, the stress your comments portray will kill you much quicker than our 2am pizzas.

    Pizza at any time is best pizza

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