I'm not sure how to describe the last 20 minutes of my life, in which I played Sonic Dreams Collection, a compilation of "lost" (read: fake) Sonic the Hedgehog games that go to some truly messed up places.
Sonic Dreams Collection was released today by Arcane Kids, a truly amazing little studio that was also responsible for that utterly bizarre riff on Bubsy 3D from a few years back.
The games were quietly announced through Arcane Kid's newsletter today, and require you to visit this website and type in the password "grandpa" (no quotes) in order to download them.
Once you do, however, things get weird very quickly. Here's the setup:
IN 2013 hacker supergroup "Arcane Kid$" acquired a SEGA DREAMCAST developer kit from ebay.com. Deep in the filescape they unearthed a note from the director of MJSTUDIO, a "message in a bottle" detailing the work of SEGA's top secret studio which was re-invisioning the future of video gaming.
The Arcane Kid$ salvaged FOUR playable prototypes, some concept art, and countless top-secret SEGA files.
"SEGA squandered MJSTUDIO's gift to the world… and dissed Sonic fans globally… by burying these games" Arcane Kid$ spokesperson Jo says.
There are four games listed in the collection: Make My Sonic, Eggman Origin, Sonic Movie Maker, and My Roommate Sonic.
Make My Sonic is pretty straightforward. You can create your own take on Sonic and make him lose his shit by stretching his body parts too far.
I can't tell if the name generator is random or not, but this is definitely my favourite one:
BRB, changing my Twitter user name.
The second game, Eggman Origin, is a mystery. Described as an abandoned MMORPG, there must be something to it that I'm not getting; right now, I can only make a tree bounce. (I have a feeling you need to turn on the network adaptor somewhere else in the collection. Help me!)
And here's where things get fucking strange. Sonic Movie Maker may actually haunt my dreams for the next several weeks, a slice of erotic Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction brought to virtual life.
Things begin simply enough, as you're tasked with filming Sonic on various movie sets, and you're allowed to rearrange items to try and tell your own "story."
It's not clear why Sonic is underneath a car that's smashed through a garage, but hey.
When you've filmed six seconds of footage, you can leave and head to the next set — like, you know, prom night. Just don't mind Rogue and Sonic making out on the floor next to some food.
The next scene? The next scene is...well, you find Tails drunk on the ground.
Aaaaaaaaand there's several Sonic characters having an orgy on the bed?
At this point, I considered walking away and washing my hands of this whole sordid affair, but it was too late: I had to go deeper. I wanted to see what else was hiding. And so I kept filming.
Then, I found Sonic lying on a table, and I could pull a string to drop food from the ceiling. So I did what any person in this scenario might do: I started feeding the beast.
Eventually, poor ol' Sonic was pretty fat, and I couldn't summon any more food. I captured my six seconds of magic, walked through the door, and tried to imagine what was next.
Are you prepared for this, dear reader? Do you even want to know what's around the corner?
But since I had to experience this, so do you.
This time, you suddenly find yourself in an "unbirthing room" with the newly enlarged Sonic.
Amy, Shadow the Hedgehog, and a smoke-filled Dr. Robotnik are all watching you, too.
That ring had my attention, though. The last one brought me food, but what about this one?
Oh, you know, bowling balls that forcibly eject food from Sonic's body, resulting in this utterly horrifying moment:
You eventually make your way to what I can only assume are Sonic's bowels.
Which, of course, has a hole that leads to a giant bed where a huge Rogue is looking at you. I think you're a baby? Who the fuck knows, man.
Since this is the final scene, it's naturally time to hang out at the wrap party! I wonder if there will be snacks? What kind of drinks do they serve in the Sonic the Hedgehog universe?
Oh, right, it's none of that: everyone's on fire.
I wish I could say that's it, and we could all go on with our lives...but no. We have one more game: My Roommate Sonic.
Good lord, My Roommate Sonic. Here's the setup: you're a human hanging out on a couch with a highly-detailed 3D model of Sonic. Your buddy, Dr. Robotnik, is spying on you with binoculars from another building, and desperately wants to help you express a romantic interest in Sonic.
I am not shitting you.
Weirder still, if you hook up an Oculus Rift, it seems you could experience all of this in VR!
To let Sonic know your intentions, you have to....tickle his feet. It's horrifying.
Eventually, Sonic gets into the whole thing, and he starts moving closer to your face. Given the orgies that populated other games in this collection, I had no idea what the heck I was in for next. Was I really about to have sex with Sonic the Hedgehog? Would my wife ever find out?
With the deepest of sighs and increasing shame, I prepared for the worst.
Dude, I don't even know.
Of course, it all ends the way you would expect it to end, too: you have to turn off a Dreamcast.
And that's...that's Sonic Dreams Collection. I can't take this anymore. I have to go lie down, and I'm pretty sure this is the last post I'm ever writing for Kotaku.