Hello, Internet! Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating column that’s also a signatory of the Unseelie Accords.
This week, we’ve got a pair of tricky issues. Our first letter deals with abusive relationships… and the writer is the abuser. Our second letter writer is in love with his best friend… who happens to be a lesbian. Just as a heads-up: For the first letter, we’re going to be talking about suicide, self-harm and emotional abuse, so if you have issues with these topics, you’ll want to tread carefully.
It’s time to drop some dating wisdom. Let’s do this thing.
Hi Dr. NerdLove, this is a hard mail to write.
My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years now, and though most of the time our relationship is good, we have had and continue to have major issues.
I’m emotionally abusive to her; I know this and I want it to end, but I don’t know how.
Whenever we have an argument, usually related to me not doing enough around the house, or arguments over money (with which her complaints are reasonable and just, I am the wrong one), I tend to fly into a panic, apologizing endlessly and, if things heat up too much, hurting myself or offering suicide as a solution to our mutual problem.
This hurts and scares my girlfriend immensely, since she cares about my well-being and has little to no control over what I do to myself in the long run. The constant apologizing over everything, whether it be within my control or not, puts her on edge, since she doesn’t want me to feel guilty, yet I do.
The offers of suicide are the worst for her, and I definitely understand that. The problem is that I’ve been coping with suicidal thoughts since at least age 6 (I’ve gone from therapist to therapist for this, my parents were equally distraught) and they’re hard to keep quiet.
Most of the time I know that I should ignore them, and that suicide is not a solution to the problem that I am, but during panic attacks my judgement gets clouded and I turn out far less able to see things in proper perspective.
The hardest thing is, I’m torn as to what this behaviour says about me. I don’t know if it’s purely malicious, or if it’s an ingrained reaction with negative results.
I know that as a child, I always reacted heavily to criticism; mostly in the form of self-hatred or self-harm. I banged my head against walls and in my teen years I took to cutting. In my own mind, especially at the time, I felt like I did those things due to a general sense of guilt; that I’d failed everyone around me and that I was not good enough.
However, my mother has another perspective: that I voice self-hatred, apologise too much, hurt myself and speak out on suicidal thoughts as a way to shame, manipulate and guilt people into behaviour that I find preferential.
For a long time I rebelled against that notion, and considered my mother wrong for thinking that way, but lately my girlfriend has been saying the same. That my outbursts are faked or at least ingenuine and meant mostly to hurt her and manipulate her into doing what I want.
Two people, two women, can’t be wrong and I know it’s human nature to protect one’s ego, so I cannot assume my own justification is what’s really behind my behaviour.
All in all, I’m trying to stop doing what I do during conflict, but I run into problems when emotions run particularly high. Are there any tips to help me stop being manipulative and emotionally abusive towards my girlfriend?
Sorry for the long, uninteresting story,
Admitted Abusive A**hole
OK, AAA, this is going to be a two-parter. The first part is for you; I have a few things to say about your behaviour, but before I do, let’s be blunt: you need to talk to a psychiatrist. Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor and when you’re talking about suicidal ideation, you need to be talking to a medical professional, not a loud-mouth dating coach with a column.
This is fairly open and shut: yes, you’re abusing your girlfriend, AAA. And frankly, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone until you get your shit sorted. If you’re sincere about dealing with your issues, then you need to see a shrink and STICK with them. If you’re being straight with me, then you have issues that can only be worked out by working with a psychiatrist. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks and suicidal thoughts are the sorts of things that need immediate attention and often medical solutions like antidepressants to get you to a place where other forms of therapy can help.
With that out of the way, I’m going to direct this next section to readers.
So, full disclosure, I’m not in any way shape or form objective on this particular topic. I’ve been in an abusive relationship before, and I’m particularly sensitive to the subject and disinclined to give abusers the benefit of the doubt. And to be perfectly frank, there are some things in this letter that set my Spidey-sense to tingling. But we’ll get to all of that in a moment.
One of the reasons I picked this letter is because it illustrates something that a lot of people don’t necessarily get: that abuse isn’t strictly about violence or even yelling or making someone’s partner feel threatened — something that many abusers take advantage of. There are a lot of ways that an abusive partner can inflict emotional or physical harm on someone without necessarily raising one’s hand or voice; the fact that there is no physical damage or danger is often one of the ways abusers gaslight their victims into believing there is no abuse going on.
Abusive relationships — whether the abuse is physical or emotional — are almost always about control. The abuser is controlling their victim, whether it’s through violence, intimidation, or fear. Sometimes that fear is the fear of the abuser hurting the victim — directly (through physical abuse) or indirectly (destroying the victim’s possessions, hurting or killing their pets, through social sabotage, etc). Other times, that fear is the fear of the abuser hurting themselves.
Threats of self-harm are actually a very common means of keeping one person’s partner under control. In fact, I’ve been fielding letters about this since the beginning. The difference is, usually I’m hearing from the person that’s being abused, not the abuser. For all intents and purposes, this kind of emotional abuser is creating a hostage situation. The only twist is that they’re holding themselves hostage, saying “don’t you dare leave me or the hostage gets it,” while holding the gun to their own head.
By threatening self-harm, they are weaponizing their victim’s sense of guilt and responsibility, putting the blame for the abuser’s actions on the victim: “This is all your fault! If you didn’t make me upset, this would never happen.” Many times, the victim internalizes the blame and begins to believe that it is their fault. So now they feel that they have to be hypervigilant, continually monitoring their own behaviour so as to not trigger another outburst. And so the abuser maintains control over their victim, without even having to lift a hand.
However, threats aren’t the only way that people try to maintain control in a relationship. Someone who is being loudly and excessively apologetic when they make a mistake (or they’re called out for having done something wrong) is also a form of controlling behaviour; by making such a production over feeling guilty, they twist the narrative around and flip the roles. Now instead of the moment being about “Person X did something wrong to Person Y”, it becomes “Person Y has to reassure Person X that they’re not the worst, awfulest person in the world”. It changes the focus; Person Y no longer has the right to be angry because Person X is so contrite that continuing to be upset would just be cruel, etc. When that Person X adds self-harm to the mix – “punishing” themselves by hitting themselves, beating their fists or heads against the wall, etc. – then Person Y has to let go of whatever they were going to say, for fear that the other person will end up seriously hurting themselves.
In both cases, the other partner is left holding the bag, being made responsible for appeasing their partner. In both cases, they have to put their own wants and needs and grievances aside and tend to their partner, while the controlling, abusive partner is absolved of responsibility.
Back to our letter writer, AAA: You tell me that you’ve defaulted to self-harm in response to criticism ever since you were a child; that you have such an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt that you just naturally fall to these attacks of maladaptive behaviour. OK, fine… except this fits in with the exact same sort of manipulative, controlling behaviour that either absolves you of responsibility (I’m supposed to say “It’s understandable, it’s not your fault”) or serves as a unspoken potential threat (“Treat me with kid gloves or else who knows what I might do?”).
Now, in fairness, maybe I’m reading that wrong. Maybe it’s that English isn’t your first language, and there’s a miscommunication going on. Maybe it’s that you’ve left things out that might add context. But something about your letter doesn’t pass my smell test.
Is it possible that you’re not consciously abusing your girlfriend? Well, it’s entirely possible you don’t see this as control, that you’ve learned as a child that this sort of behaviour gets people off your back. Humans as a species are bad at acting; if we behave in a particular way long enough, our brains start to rationalize the behaviour and come up with reasons for why we’re doing it — even if consciously we know it’s an act. So, yes, it’s theoretically possible that by adopting this behaviour as a child, you’ve internalized it and rationalized it that you’re not being controlling, you’re doing it because you’re acting out of guilt and shame.
But even if that’s the case, unintentional abuse is still abuse. The fact that it’s unintentional does not excuse you from doing it. If you’re serious about getting better, then you need to take responsibility, and the first step for this is to go into therapy. By yourself.
Until then, all you’re doing is hurting someone you claim to care about. If you actually love her, then you need to let her go and get help.
Doc, I need your help. I’m a hetero guy and I’m in love with a lesbian.
I initially met Ms. L through texting; my step-mother gave me the number for her friend’s goddaughter, Ms. L. Things hit off as much as they can via text immediately and we were oohing and awing over everything each other said. Fast forward a few weeks through lots of talking and I finally meet her over a weekend at a family party. We spend the entire weekend with each and there was kissing and cuddling. Ms L and I didn’t have sex but it was the first time we met and we didn’t go into the weekend with any expectations so I wasn’t concerned. It would have been great except I didn’t know she was a lesbian at the time.
Ms L lives a few hours away in a different state so it’s basically impossible to visit for just a weekend and I can’t take work off. The week following what I thought was a fantastic weekend she admitted over the phone that she is in fact a lesbian. My mind was thoroughly shaken since I was so sure that was going to be the start of a great relationship. We had a long and honest talk and she admitted that while she has been a lesbian for the past 5 years (We’re both 21) and went into the weekend thinking we’d just be friends, she felt a strong attraction to me and was just as confused as I was how it ended up. She made it clear that it wasn’t a mistake though and would explore the possibilities if I could accept that part of her. I felt so sure that it would work out even with what she just told me, so I told her I would try my damndest and we immediately started planning a trip where I’d go visit her.
Through the next two months we got closer, I was very open with my emotions and how she made me feel and constantly gave her personal compliments and she returned them along with pictures. I knew she was a lesbian but I also knew we clicked on all levels that weekend and that not everyone’s sexual preference is concrete.
A week before I was planned to drive there and stay at her house for almost two weeks, Ms L revealed she met a girl the week before and had since been on a couple of dates with her but it wasn’t serious and they weren’t committed to anything. She was completely honest about it and said that she loved me on an emotional and romantic level, but had a hard look at herself and concluded she didn’t think she could commit to me physically, and that it’d be unfair of her to have me visit without knowing. Meanwhile I once again was emotionally hammered and frankly heartbroken. I had no idea if I even wanted to or could handle visiting her at this point. After a couple of days I calmed down somewhat and got some great advice from a couple of close friends and I decided I would still visit because I still wanted Ms L in my life and she wanted me in hers.
The trip was amazing and I had a great time. She introduced me to family as her best friend in the world and honestly I am okay with that. Both her mother and father, aware she is a lesbian, said she’d be a fool not to keep me. We talked and were both honest with our emotions and were very comfortable in each other’s presence even if I was just reading a book while she was doing school work. We would hold each other while walking outside or watching TV and kissed occasionally but that was the unspoken limit we were both aware was there. I didn’t want to push it since over the phone she made it clear she was into girls but she didn’t appear to mind any of the affection we did exchange. Where we’re at now that the trip is over is that we love each other, but she just can’t commit to a relationship because I have a penis. It hurts me and she knows that, but I’m happy to have her at least as my best friend and part of my life than nothing.
With my story out of the way I want to ask do you think anywhere along the way I lost the opportunity? She was clearly into me and said as much, but I got the feeling as soon as she met the other girl that she forgot, for the lack of a better word, how our intimacy made her feel in the two months between our visits and just returned to the familiar lesbian history. Or do you think it’s just as simple as she is a lesbian and that’s never going to change?
Lost in the Sauce
You’ve seen Chasing Amy, right, LitS? ‘Cuz right now you’re basically being Holden. And you don’t want to go the full Holden.
So some straight talk about sexual orientation. People’s sexuality is complex and more fluid than we tend to believe. Someone who’s bisexual or pansexual may be sexually attracted to multiple genders but only romantically interested in one. Somebody who is heterosexual or homosexual may well decide they want to try a walk on the wild side and fool around with someone who doesn’t line up with their preferred gender. There are people who prefer one gender but will close their eyes and pretend if that’s what it takes to get off.
Hell, sometimes there’s just that one person who’s the exception to their sexual orientation. A completely straight man may realise that they’re into that one specific guy. Similarly, a lesbian may realise that she’s got a thing for a particular dude. This doesn’t mean that they’re no longer straight or gay respectively, it just means sex is goddamn complicated and attraction frequently doesn’t give a six-legged rat’s arse about how you label yourself.
So what’s going on? Could it be that she was into you but forgot when she met another woman? Sure, it’s theoretically possible. It’s also possible that she’s closer to the bisexual section of the Kinsey scale and feels that this conflicts with her identity as a lesbian. It could be she’s bisexually attracted but homoromantic; that is, she is sexually attracted to men and women but only is romantically attracted to women. Or it could be that she likes the light making out but she’s not into you enough to want to date and thinks that putting it on her sexuality is kinder than telling you so.
Regardless, the issue at its core isn’t about whether she’s gay, bi, straight or anything else. It’s that she’s just not into you the way you wish she was. She may well love you, but that doesn’t mean she loves you in the way you want. That sucks, and I totally get it. But sticking around and hoping that she’s going to overlook that whole “penis” thing is just going to end in tears and likely end up hurting your friendship.
You’ve made your pitch. She’s turned you down. If you want to keep your friendship, you need to be her friend and that means learning to get over her. Friends don’t hang around with an agenda of hoping to change their friends’ minds. That’s Nice Guy™ territory.
Good luck.
How have you dated someone in the service industry? Did you manage to hook up with your favourite store clerk or bartender? Share your stories and experiences in the comments section, and we’ll be back in two weeks with more of your questions.
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotaku’s bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris O’Malley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question you’d like answered write doc@doctornerdlove.com and put “Kotaku” in the subject line.
Harris O’Malley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new book Simplified Dating is available exclusively through Amazon.One Of Us. He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove.
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Comments
20 responses to “Ask Dr. Nerdlove: I’m Emotionally Abusive And I Want To Stop”
Mind the cissexism, hey?
(Otherwise a well written column that hits close to home for me.)
Eh? What’s wrong with saying that?
Genitals aren’t gender.
Except… they are in this case? If the dude was born with a vagina instead he wouldn’t be having the problem he’s having.
Don’t understand.
My bad, I skimmed over that bit in his letter.
Probably no dude. Probably she can’t commit because you are a man.
(Basically this is a form of transphobia that affects me personally and I’m sick of it.)
How can it be transphobic when it doesn’t even involve trans people at all though?
The implication that OF COURSE it’s cos of your dong cos women don’t have penises? It says that trans women aren’t women (unless they’d have genital reassignment).
By extension (heh), it can also imply that trans men are also not men without a penis.
Both of these cultural tropes are harmful.
I mean I know it probably doesn’t affect them personally cos they’re both probably cis, but this happens enough and it affects trans people enough that I’m willing to be a transfeminist killjoy about it.
I totally understand where you’re coming from on this, though it does raise the difficult question of: are there situations where abusive people can ethically seek love or intimacy, being aware of their behaviour, but still in the process of unlearning it?
My answer here, from my own experience with this kind of thing, is no. It is not ethical for an abuser to be in a relationship when they know their behaviours are not under control. I nearly dated an abuser but when she showed her true colours I immediately cut her out of my life, and I do not feel the slightest ounce of guilt because of it. I’ve had more than enough of that in my life from past partners and my own family.
@the first one, dude if you’re going off the deep end like that at the slightest thing, that’s a mood disorder, don’t beat yourself up about being an emotionally abusive asshole because that will make it worse.
in fact i would not even call you an ‘abuser,’ and I think harris doing so is well over the top – the writer goes on to say that his thoughts cloud his judgment during panic attacks – this isn’t a sociopathic/psychopathic asshole threatening harm if she leaves, just a dude whom the thought of having her leave does terrible stuff to. As someone who’s ill myself i’ve been through similar behaviour and would say that not once had i ever had an intent to hurt my partner, just myself; she’s just unfortunate collateral.
You aren’t abusive, you’re just sick and need help. i would recommend reading into schizoaffective personality disorder and general anxiety disorders and seeing a psychiatrist.
if you sincerely believe their response is “going off the deep end”, you probably haven’t been a victim of this kind of abuse.
no. i have been, and largely am, that person. to call a case like this simply abuse is to dismiss an entire world of illness and pretty narrow, considering as per the author’s account this is behaviour that has persisted since childhood.
As somone working in the social sector and seeing this kind of thing all the time, we’re trained to treat victims of anxiety and depression in almost the total opposite of what she said to this guy, she made the caveat that she isn’t objective but then basically shamed someone with potential mental illness. I’m pretty astounded that there isn’t a realistic perspective of what a victim is, here. Only reffering to one of them as a victim simply reinforces the panic and feelings of being undervalued. I read this whole thing as the the writer shaming, judging and using both the sibject and his girlfriend to illustrate the idea of abuse over mental health, completely dismissing the actual problem and flat out pretending it’s something else. This is a deficit model in dealing with both abuse and mental health, it ignores the issue in favour of posturing. Suicide is serious and i absolutely cannot believe someone was made an example of like this. I’ve been on the other end of this, suicide and manipulation were the only options my SO ever used to deal with any problem, thankfully, WE saw a psychiatrist, got help and I provided my support throughout. I know now that it was necessary and our relationship is as loving and respectful as it could possibly be. There’s a clear and dangerous rage and ignorance behind this article that ends up shaming those with mental health issue more than supporting them.
Entirely self-indulgent and irresponsible to make this about emotional abuse when in this case, it goes hand in hand with emotional disorders. Pretending this is reflective of a greater narrative is in of itself insincere and manipulative at best. I understand women are consistent victims of abuse but this attitude does not in any way help people, it shames them into the corner with no support. Shame on the writer for appropriating their own ignorance to a serious mental health issue.
Thank-fucking-you. Mental health is treated with trepidation, confusion, ignorance and at worst, unintentional discrimination. This is a cry for help and he gets called an abusive asshole. Cool. It’s no wonder most of us kill ourselves.
Reading his letter I wouldn’t even call this potential. I’d pretty much say dude has a mood disorder.
Little things stack up overtime into big things, he then explodes into this hot mess. That’s the kind of behaviour that needs to be dealt with before you can really make a positive step to preventing future meltdowns; you need to make sure the small things don’t add up into something huge, especially when you know the criticisms are justified and that means making really, really uncomfortable sacrifices.
In my instance, I find it almost entirely impossible to talk to literally anybody about the way I feel, even psychiatrists. I am black and white. Here are my symptoms. Treat me. It’s why my behaviour took so long to improve, because I just could not open up to anyone and still have trouble doing so. It’s a potential life-wrecker and one I’ve learnt to live with while blunting the knife edge as best I could.
The guy realises his actions can be considered ‘abuse,’ let that be enough of a kick in the balls.
If he’s been doing this since childhood, and knows that this behavior is hurting people but won’t seek help or try to change it? It’s abuse, and it’s deliberate.
Glaringly absent in the letter (in which he confirms that he’s aware it’s hurting his girlfriend)? Any plan or steps he’s thinking of taking to address the situation. He wants a pat on the back and to be told it’s OK. It isn’t.
Oh, thankyou, you perfect neurotypical specimen. It’s simply not that simple, my friend. Why don’t we just change. Oh yeah, yep, that’s easy. Piece of piss. Done!
What he’s done now is the first big step to addressing his situation, derp. If the gravity of a realisation such as his has on someone who’s probably mentally ill is lost on you, this’ll really shock you – this has probably happened in all of his relationships and he is now just getting around to pruning the weeds because it probably took years and years just to admit this to himself.
would you tell an autistic person to stop being selectively mute or anxious, because, you know, it’s hurting people, man, you’ve had this since childhood, grow up and stop looking like an insensitive asshole.
Thanks, judgey. Let me finish taking my psych meds (which would hospitalise a neurotypical person), and advise you to grow up. Being mentally ill isn’t a free pass to be an asshole. It means that you have to recognise your own shortcomings and work around them- especially when failing to do so impacts the people around you. Skipping either Step A or Step B is irresponsible at best and requires the intervention of an adult guardian at worst.
Abuse is abuse. Neurological wiring might affect how it plays out, but the situation is essentially the same. Don’t confuse personality disorders with neurodiversity, please. I’ve experienced that kind of profiling countless times and I’ve found it harmful.
Mainly the bit I agree with you on, is against the assertion that their abuse is deliberate. Often that’s not the case. That’s the point of their letter I guess. I think they want to gain conscious awareness of what’s happening here first.
This is a sound point. Now that they’ve this feedback from the column, this ought to be their next step.
I really enjoyed that second letter. I’m a bit of an oddity myself when it comes to sexual orientation (homosexual, biromantic) so it was like seeing a familiar face. I feel bad for the guy though.