Remember When Sonic Kissed A Woman?

Remember When Sonic Kissed A Woman?

While there's not enough alcohol in the world to forget this scene, it's my journalistic duty to remind you it exists.

It hasn't been easy for Sonic the Hedgehog fans. Perhaps no other series inspires equal amounts of fandom and vitriol as Sega's premiere platformer, a franchise with a following so irrationally loyal as to inspire things like the Sonic Cycle.

(Hey, the first few games were pretty good.)

And while there have been plenty of low points in recent years -- Shadow the Hedgehog straight up bringing guns to the series, the barely playable Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric -- nothing compares to the moment Sonic was on the brink of death and forced to share a kiss with a human being in 2006's Sonic the Hedgehog.

Yes, that actually happened.

Sonic the Hedgehog, released for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, started development around the time series creator Yuji Naka left the company. Sega figured the best way to recapture that old school magic was a convoluted plot that ditched whimsy for the gritty Sonic that fans had, uh, never asked for.

I mean, what better way to open a game than with a legitimately horrifying terrorist attack by Dr. Eggman?

This is all happened because Princess Elise, keeper of a Chaos Emeralds secret known as the "Flames of Disaster," is either key to destroying the world -- or saving it. (I realise any gamer worth their salt already knows this, given the rich mythology that characterises the Sonic universe, but please, bear with me.) Naturally, Dr. Eggman wanted this power, so he unleashed his robots.

Wait.

Lemme be honest with you. I've spent the past 20 minutes trying to make sense of Sonic the Hedgehog's plot...but I give up. Look at this shit:

Sonic, Tails and Knuckles encounter Shadow and Rouge, who are also trapped in this future. In order to return to the present, they need to create a rift in time and space, which they figure can be created if Sonic and Shadow use Chaos Control together. While searching for Chaos Emeralds, Sonic, Tails and Knuckles encounter Silver, his friend Blaze, and Mephiles, a dark being who resembles Shadow, tells Silver that Sonic is the one responsible for the future's devastation, and takes them back in time to kill Sonic. Sonic learns from a computer file that Elise was killed when Eggman's battleship exploded two days after the Festival of the Sun. After retrieving a pair of Chaos Emeralds, Sonic and Shadow create the space-time rift, allowing them to return to the present.

What really matters is how Sonic the Hedgehog tried to justify a hedgehog hooking up with a human woman:

Like this:

Remember When Sonic Kissed A Woman?

Or this:

Remember When Sonic Kissed A Woman?

Remember when Sonic and Elise went on that date together? No? Too late:

Sonic and friends end up running around a whole bunch, leaping through time for one reason or another, and started working together to stop The Evil Threat.

This culminated in a moment where the designers figured it was time for the untimely death of a character whose primary demographic is young children:

It's Optimus Prime all over again!

While Sonic kept one foot in the grave for a little while, it doesn't last, with the deus ex machina that is the Chaos Emeralds being used to bring him back to life. It's really unclear why Elise has to kiss Sonic in order for this to all work out, but hey, who hasn't wanted to see Sega acknowledge the series' erotica community?

And lo, we come to the moment when a hedgehog did, in fact, kiss a lady.

At least it can't get worse than this, right Sonic fans?


Comments

    Maybe you had to have played the game to get why this is weird, but to me it doesn't look any different to something like Commander Shepard kissing an Asari, or any other human / fantasy race / alien romance you see all the time in fiction.

      Back! Back to the erotic Sonic section of the internet with you!

      Go back to Sonic Dreams!

        Nah mate. It's weird.

        -Sincerely,
        a Sonic fan

      Doesn't seem weird to me either, but I never really played Sonic aside from one or two times on my friend's Master System.

    I was trying to forget that. Thanks Kotaku. Now I'll have to remember this for another decade. :P

      And the huge honking image of it happening in the article link, back to therapy for me

    SHE kissed Sonic, while he was unconscious I might mention.

    That's rape in my books, zoopheliac rape.

      Actually he forced himself upon her by saving her. She was quite able to remove herself from her situation. He oppressed her by showing up.

    While there’s not enough alcohol in the world to forget this scene, it’s my journalistic duty to remind you it exists.

    Journalistic comment of the year!!!

    Bah... i keep promising myself to find a copy and grab this game just for lulz. I promptly forget when I keep up w/ other games..

    ... and then Kotaku once again reminds I still haven't got the game. I am sad =(

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