Win! A Brand New 1TB Xbox One With Halo 5: Guardians!

Halo 5: Guardians came out this week and you may have noticed that swish looking Xbox One as well.

Guess what — we have one to give away! And a Legendary Collector's Edition of Halo 5: Guardians!

How do you enter? Super simple. I'm keeping this simple so you don't have be Picasso or a Photoshop wizard to enter.

I want you to invent a Spartan Ability.

You have to describe that Spartan Ability in 300 words or less. The funniest, most creative, weirdest entry will win.

Here are the prizes in full:

1st Prize

1 x 1TB Halo 5: Guardians Xbox One with copy of Halo 5: Guardians.

Runner Up

1x Halo 5: Guardians Limited Collector’s Edition

You have until 1pm, November 3 to enter. We'll announce the winners before the end of next week.

Terms and conditions can be found here.

Good luck everyone!


    I'd call it the "Tea Break", and it would work like a rejuvenating cuppa', by instantly recharging your shield if you crouch while standing over the corpse of a downed opponent.

    Last edited 29/10/15 3:44 pm

      And the winner is... Tea Ba-.. Break!

      Last edited 29/10/15 3:49 pm

      I wanted the opposite of that, the Tea-Breaker, where if you could hit the right sequence of keys at exactly the right time, your 'dead' Spartan would thrust up his hand, grab the teabagger by the goolies and deliver a pulse of power that would completely destroy the offender, and you would rejuvinate and inherit their weapons and abilities.
      It would make teabagging a much scarier proposition.

    "Safe Space"

    When active you don't hear children talking about what they did to your mum.

      IMO the xbox should have something like this built in. When it detects the word mum/mom and and a voice above a certain octave, that player gets dumped.

    World Peace; When activated it starts ever lasting peace and they all live happily ever after.

    The Spartan Kick - It would be a powerful kick that would kick the enemy across the map, it would do extra damage if the opponent was kicked off a cliff.

      If you're kicked off a cliff I don't think the extra damage matters.

      Would also require a voice heard across the entire map shouting I AM SPARTAN!!! (The change is required for legal purposes)

      I would call this the "Chuck Norris"


    When active, all power ups stand out as large Branston Pickle jars.

    EDIT: Don't know if this will disqualify me for adding a second ability but if it does, I accept the consequences.

    "Warfstash Curse"

    When used on an opponent, a small version of Markipilier's signature facial hair appears on the opponent's helmet. Every kill from then on cause the candy coloured mo to grow bigger and heavier until the opponent crushed to death by its weight.

    At the same time, the player is takes more damage when shot at with bullets but all other weapons (laser based, etc) are unaffected.

    EDIT 2: Last one. Again, I raise no complaint if I'm disqualified.

    "The Duke"

    You easily kick any arse in game, but the match frequently restarts and takes 14 days to complete.

    Last edited 29/10/15 4:25 pm

      Then just as the 14 days is nearly up, the game is extended by another month.

    The Spartan Bag - when used it remaps every button on the controller to the crouch button for the rest of the match.

    "FTTW" (FLIP THEM THE WARTHOG), enables you to use the Warthog flip as an extremely heavy damaging weapon that will instantly kill anyone it rolls back over.

    The fartin' Spartan.

    A jet pack type ability that deals poison damage within a 5 meter radius over 10 seconds. Also has chance for a "loot drop".

    Does Halo even have loot drops? I dunno. It does now.

    Last edited 29/10/15 4:01 pm

    "The Joker"

    When activated, it bombards the enemy with a random dad joke which, upon delivery, results in the enemies being paralysed with laughter for 10 seconds and also has the following effects:

    1. Drains shields if they have any at time of telling.
    2. Literally kills the enemy from laughter if they have no shields active at the time of delivery.

    The "Captains Log:" when all nearby enemies have been defeated, a small hatch in the hermetically sealed spartan armour pops open so that they can finally pinch off a victory dump.

    *Edit* Alternately referred to as the "Chief Queef"

    Last edited 30/10/15 11:59 am

    'Fandom spoiler' Once activated the spartan spoils everything about high fandoms, TV shows, movies. The enemy just gives up and in a fit of anger and disbelief falls to the ground in the fatal position, rocking back and forth and muttering "he can't be dead".

    "Education Campaign"
    Passive module, Master Chief only.

    Covenant enemies become aware of exactly who the hell the Master Chief is and what he has done. On recognizing his signature profile immediately come to their senses, shitting their pants while running away, firing blindly in the futile hope that it will slow the Demon enough for them to escape with their lives.

    Seriously, man. I don't know why this doesn't already happen.

    "Hissy Fit"

    Activates after being Ground Pounded or Assassinated three (3) times in a row. The Spartan gets back up, stomps his foot while swinging both arms down his side. You are invincible for 3 seconds. In those three seconds; you throw your current equipped weapon, your spare, and your helmet. Direction of throw can be aimed. Any Spartan (friendly or enemy) hit by thrown weapons or helmet loses their shield and drops to 1HP. Your Spartan then falls into a heap on the ground and sobs.

    Last edited 29/10/15 4:05 pm

    "Spartan Ball"

    You get a plasma shield that envelops you like a hamster ball, which lets you roll around. When you hammer into enemies, they stick to it, all the while screaming and carrying on like when they get stuck with a plasma grenade, After a certain period of time, it explodes in a glorious (and hilarious) shower of corpses.

    Basically explosive Katamari.

    Armor Ability Hijack

    Allows the user to steal the armor ability of the spartan that is in their sights, leaving the other with something basic, like unlimited sprint. However, if the user hijacks the "Armor Ability Hijack" ability from an opposing spartan, the user then loses the ability and is forced to use the previously mentioned basic ability, in this case, unlimited sprint.

    Thanks for doing the giveaway Mark!

    You don't need I's to cook

    When activated, you close your eyes and become a master of the culinary arts.

    "Even without any I's, you too can be a Master Chef." - Cook Eneril

    Last edited 29/10/15 4:05 pm

    "The Abbott Whammy"

    A loudspeaker installed in the spartan suit starts airing snippets of the best Tony Abbott said while PM, such as:
    'Holocaust of job losses'
    'Shit happens'
    'We have stopped the boats'
    'the suppository of wisdom'
    'I'm the guy with the not bad-looking daughters.'

    "The Staten"

    This ability is unlocked after the current round has 1 minute remaining. Upon activation, the Spartan will have their teams current progress reviewed by the Board of Directors, who will decide that “it was not heading in the direction they anticipated” and chose to scrap the team’s score completely. The Team is then required to rebuild their score from scratch despite the incredibly short amount of time remaining, with a random chance of getting a minor time extension added to the round if they beg the publisher. If the team doesn't win the round with a k/d ratio over 3, then they lose their Christmas bonus.

    The Spartan is then required to leave the team, but has the perk “complaining openly on Twitter” immediately activated.

    Silent, but deadly. No need to explain. It's a dart joke. And that's auto correct fart yo dart

    How about the 'Oh Hell No!'

    Opens a portal near the enemy and teleports in a random Kardashian/Jenner/Wesley Snipes, who then proceed to bitch and moan about whatever first world problem is grinding their gears, boring enemies to death, but not before they succumb to horrendous sharts and the occasional bad-but-kinda-good Chritopher Walkin impression. Classic Halo.

    Proactive Orifice Opening Protection System (P.O.O.P.S)

    Active defence system that makes all convenant scum in a 20m radium of the Spartan vacant their alien lunch into their space pants rendering them incapacitated and extremely embarrassed.

    Long has the Halo series lacked proper engagement and motivation in the simple act of movement. Masterchief has finally begun to grow wary of the conventional (Warthog, Scoprion and even the VTOL) or even unconventional (Ghost, Wraith, Banshee, Spectre or anything else of other supernatural derivation) modes of current transportation. Sure, he has shiny new boosters on his back that allow him to run or dodge a millimeter, he now craves for something with a little more… power.

    Masterchief has now added the luxury upgrade of strapping a Shaw-Fujikawa Translight Engine to his back, allowing his dodge to involve a slightly more practical application… he can SLIPSTREAM.

    The most notable advantage of this new Spartan Ability is the capability of dodging incoming attacks (save for maybe The Needler) and reappearing at a safe distant. Initial trials found Spartans floating in space or inside of a planet, but careful calculations by UNSC scientists have allowed the SlipStream to generate at shorter distances, allowing for safer and faster travel (read: increased dodge range).

    While simply dodging an attack is advantageous enough in itself, the upgraded ability also comes with some… beneficial side effects. Utilise the drive while within close proximity of a weapon and you will unwillingly drag your enemy with you where space/time distortion and radiation should take care of the rest. User Manual Note: Be careful not to activate while next to your squad.

    Your newfound dimensional travel may also leave slipspace wakes in your sudden absence, which may now also be used as temporary cover from incoming enemy fire, though be careful not to get too close, less you lose an arm (or helmet).

    This Document is official property of the UNSC.
    Prepared by Dr. Catherine Halsey

    The Destiny

    Embrace the darkness of your final destiny and give your last moments of Spartan life for the human race; If you are killed when active any and all grenades you have explode and cluster outwards from your corpse. An armor ability initially researched on board the UNSC Titan and UNSC Warlock alliance cruisers to fight Covenant Hunters and in no way similar to any other products/imitations currently available on the market.

    Hoplite - That energy sword sure looks aerodynamic...

    Use your energy sword as a spear and impale other, lesser, combatants from a nice safe distance.

      I always wanted to be able to launch at enemies with the energy sword fowards, like a human missle. But yeah, at would be great to be able to throw it like a javelin, and have it return to you like a boomerang. (with or without impaled enemy attached)

    The baby shoosher

    Quiets all babies and makes them instantly asleep so gaming can commence.

      It's called Phenergan....

      Don't use on children under 12

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