What I Actually Call Dark Souls Bosses

From Software has a knack for creating some super weird boss names.

I tend to completely ignore those names and just make up my own.

You sort of have to, especially when talking about the game in person. Let's face facts: Chaos Witch Quelaag or Booby Spider? Which makes more sense.

Here are some of the names I use when talking about Souls/Bloodborne games...


Old Name: Capra Demon My Name: Big Demon Bawbag By the time I stumbled across the Capra Demon, I was already used to dying in Dark Souls.

But this guy just took shit to a whole new level. I was underlevelled, just getting smashed in one hit. Utterly brutal.

Which is why I referred to him as "that big demon bawbag".

For the unitiated, I am Scottish. The word 'bawbag' means many things. It's an insult that is sometimes used as a term of endearment. It is, literally, a synonym for 'scrotum'. It is your nutsack. In Scottish slang 'baw' means ball.

Bawbag = Ballbag.

Hence Big Demon Bawbag. He's a bawbag. Simple.


Old Name: Chaos Witch Quelaag My Names: Booby Spider I mean honestly, I'm still not sure how to pronounce Quelaag.

I got stuck pretty hardcore on the Chaos Witch Quelaag, to the point where I actually gave up on the game for a couple of months. When people asked me how far I got, I'd always just say "yeah that big booby spider kept kicking my arse".

Thankfully I got back on the horse and beat that Booby Spider real good.


Old Name: The Smelter Demon My Names: Big Burny Man Dark Souls 2 had a lot of forgettable boss fights. The Smelter Demon was not one of them.

His name, however, is pretty forgettable so I just called him the Big Burny Man. He's on fire. He's burny.


Old Name: The Rotten My Names: The Big Stinky Guy Made Up Of Dead Guys This isn't the catchiest name I've ever come up with, but I guarantee I used this in conversation. My brother and I have spent a whole lot of time discussing Dark Souls bosses.

"Have you beat the big stinky guy made up of dead guys?" That's a sentence I've actually uttered in real life.


Old Name: Blood Starved Beast My Names: Big Smelly Dog He looks like a dog. He poisons you and messes you up. He looks smelly. He just does.


Old Name: Father Gascoigne My Names: Paul Gascoigne Father Gascoigne. Bloodborne boss.

Paul Gascoigne. Troubled English soccer superstar from the 90s. Glasgow Rangers legend. I grew up as a Rangers fan in Scotland. When you say the word Gascoigne you're talking about Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne. That lovable crown prince; that chubby booze guzzling genius.

Gascoigne is in a bad place now. That makes me sad.


Old Name: Vicar Amelia My Names: Really Noisy Dog Vicar Amelia is one of my favourite boss battles ever. Mainly because she howls like a goddamn banshee.

She really is a noisy dog.


Old Name: Curse-Rotted Greatwood My Names: Big Tree Fucker "Hey man, how far are you?"

"Yeah I'm still stuck at that big tree fucker."


Old Name: High Lord Wolnir My Names: Scary Skull Bangle Guy I think by this point you're getting a sense for just how bad an imagination I have. He's a big skull, he wears bangles. These are High Lord Wolnir's defining attributes


Old Name: Pontiff Sulyvahn My Names: Light Sabre Dude Real talk: this boss fight is so incredible. The setting, the way he slowly walks towards you and basically unsheathes what are basically lightsabres.

He is light sabre dude. We all know it.


Old Name: Ceaseless Discharge My Names: Ceaseless Discharge Nailed it.


Comments

    In Bloodborne I had

    Vicky (Amelia)
    Marty (Logarius)
    Paaaaaaaaarl
    The Supremes (Shadows of Yarnham)
    Oh god what even is that (Blood Starved Beast)
    How do we solve a problem like Maria (Lady Maria)

    and (I can't take credit for this one, it's an @alexpants coining)

    Micolash Cage

    Now I see where Q-ball inherited his knack for naming things.

    Ceasless Discharge is the one that really NEEDS an alternate nickname, if only so people don't get absolutely the wrong idea when they overhear you discussing it with your mates.

    "Shit, I've been struggling with Ceaseless Discharge for days now!"

    "Me too! I've been looking online for some tips on how to deal with Ceaseless Discharge. I think I'm going to try fire on it"

      "Nah, you want to shock it. Stab it with something electrified and you will be clear in no time."

        "And if that doesn't work then just try a good axe."

      Because "Gaping Dragon" is gonna raise some eyebrows too.

    What's your nickname for the consumed king?

    I call him "agreeable".

    He goes on about Ocelots... I recently got an ocelot tattoo so it was like, yeah man I like em too.

    Last edited 20/04/16 11:42 am

    If the mountain won't come to Muhammad....

    I've been asking, nay threatening to do this for a while: Mark's first experience with a Souls game (as far as I can tell, BUT do read the brilliant Tracey Lien's experience first though, DON'T SCROLL PAST).

    http://www.kotaku.com.au/2011/10/first-hour-of-dark-souls-mark-vs-tracey/

    OH SWEET SUMMER CHILD.

    The Nicknames i've given various bosses

    Last Giant - HR Geiger's RealDoll Prototype
    Dragon Rider - Captain Barrel & His Achilles Armpit
    Pursuer - FedEx Perpetuator
    Flexile Sentry - Tweedle Dumb & Tweedle Dee
    Ruin Sentinels - Triplets of Bevelle
    Executioner Chariot - Amish Satan

    That's not really nice. You shouldn't make fun of people's names.

    Sounds more like you were naming them for your kid.

    Also, what's up with the High Lord Wolnir image? Is that pre-release or promotional material? Because you don't fight him in that area, you fight him in his own endless abyss dimension with a small cliff.

      ...There's a cliff? I never noticed that! Is it behind you or behind giant skull guy?

        I meant a wall, like you're at the bottom of a cliff.

        It's behind you. He eventually backs you up to it to land his swings or gas cloud the area. That's why whenever you damage a bracelet enough to shatter he slides down the hill. To give the player some breathing room if they get backed up.

          I never actually paid much attention to what was behind. Thanks to the giant skeletons with curved greatswords and cart-wheels and all the smashing and the screaming and running around, crying.

            Those cartwheel skeletons were in that fight? I guess I killed him too fast to notice or have them spawn in.

              Yeah, you leave him alive long enough (as I did the first half-dozen times), he starts spawning invincible skeletons that can't be hit. He pulls out a sword and starts slamming it into the ground - luring them to that seems to be the only way to kill them.

    My main ones are

    Capra Demon - That stupid goaty prick
    Ceaseless Discharge - Ceaseless Dickcheese
    The Anor Londo archers - Dipshit 1 and HOW DID THAT HIT ME?!?
    The cyclops in things betwixt - That giant cycloptic bastard
    Royal Rat Authority - Diseased Sif

      RATDOG!

      My names for the Anor Londo archers are many and varied, but all share in common that they are unprintable and not fit for decent ears.

        I am so glad they put in a variant of the Anor Londo archers in 3.
        Some good callbacks to 1 in 3.

    I'm surprised the many nicknames of Smough and Ornstein haven't showed up yet. I was always partial to Jay and Silent Bob.

    Most bosses end up with one of two nicknames: that dickbag or "oh yeah, them". Most of the ones in Dark Souls 1 were the former. Most of the ones in Dark Souls 2 were the latter. Haven't played Bloodborne or DS3 yet.

      Smough and Ornstein haven't showed up yet.

      I've heard them referred to as Snorlax and Pikachu, which I think is fitting.

    You nicknamed Pontiff Sulyvahn "Light Sabre Dude"?
    That's actually rather amusing considering I was humming Duel of the Fates when I battled him...

    Vicar Amelia kinda looks like she's daintily holding a fine china teacup. It's not doing wonders for her threatening appearance.

    Hahaha

    You're name for Queelag and Capra Demon were my favourite.

    The only one i had a nickname for was Capra, i called him Goat Demon because it reminded me of Diablo 1 and 2 Goats =P

    Oh and Mark, since you've played the rest of the DSouls/Bloodbourne series have you ever considered Demon's Souls? I highly reccomend it, it's also much shorter than the other games =)

    Chalice Headless Bloodletting Beast - fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou
    Chalice Abhorrent Beast - PLEASE STOP CHASING ME AND JUST DIE

    I honestly think the Chalice versions of BB's bosses gave me more cause to come up with sweary names.

    Capra demon for me was:
    Camera boss.

    Because half the battle isnfighting your camera.

    Digusting fight design though.

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