I’m The Worst Overwatch Player And I’m Sorry

I’m The Worst Overwatch Player And I’m Sorry

It’s 2016 and everyone is playing Overwatch.

Everyone has opinions on Overwatch.

Specifically: everyone hates everyone who plays Overwatch for a number of different reasons. They hate Bastion because fuck Bastion. They hate Mei because what the hell man. They hate Torbjorn because screw
turrets forever.

I am here to say something. I am everything you hate about Overwatch.

And I am so, so sorry.

Apology #1: I Am A Scrub

[gfycat id=EveryVariableDoctorfish]
Just take this as my general, catch-all apology: I am not very good at Overwatch. Let’s just get that out of the way. I die a lot. I die at the wrong time. I make terrible choices. Enemy teams have set-ups and I don’t have the savvy or knowledge to problem solve. So I just do the same thing over and over again until my team loses. Then I go and mindlessly eat cashews and refuse to reflect on the reasons why I sucked.

I am sorry.

Apology #2: I Still Care About K/D Ratios

I don’t know why I still think like this but I do. I know it’s bad, I know it’s wrong, but I’m too old and set in my ways to change.

I think it’s probably a hangover from Halo. I used to play a lot of Halo and even in objective matches your Kill/Death ratio was sort of important. In Team Deathmatch scenarios it was everything.

I’m still at the point where I literally forget that health doesn’t regenerate, so I withdraw from battles, hide in cover and somehow expect my health bar to increase again so I can save my ratio.

I know. I know. I know. I’m the worst. I’m sorry.

Apology #3: I Don’t Really Understand The Meta

[gfycat id=UntimelyTameFoxhound]
Christ I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I can’t look at my team before the match and say, oh great! We already have a tank! I should play as a healer and help break through the ranks and secure the objective. My brain isn’t thinking like that.

Here’s what my brain is thinking:

“Great news Mark, the kids are asleep and your wife has stopped watching House Rules for 10 precious minutes. Time to play that video game you like. Time to just forget about teamwork, forget about everything except your own selfish desire to run headlong at enemy combatants and shoot them real good.”

That’s how my brain is thinking. I can’t help it. It’s in my nature.

I am sorry.

Apology #4: I Often Play As Bastion

This is a recent thing. I honestly thought to myself, ‘Mark, you’re already the stereotype of the actual worst Overwatch player in the universe, how can you make yourself even worse?’ Then I thought, ‘I know, I’ll learn to play as Bastion’.

Mission accomplished.


Apology #5: I Rush The Objective All The Time

I don’t know any other way. I don’t have a plan B. This game is about objectives, right? I’m just gonna run there as quickly as possible, kill a few guys if I’m lucky and then die a glorious death.

Again: sorry.

Apology #6: I Always Rotate As Three Characters

[gfycat id=CloseAngryCockatoo]

And those characters are Soldier 76, Reaper and Bastion.

Hahahaha, holy shit I am the worst.


Apology #7: I Sometimes Get Play Of The Game And I’m Shit

Hey, did you play as Mercy and resurrect the entire team at a crucial turning point in the match, thereby saving the objective at the most pivotal moment possible?

Fuck you. I used my special as Reaper and accidentally killed a few dudes.

Play of the game motherfucker. POTG.

I’m sorry.


  • I still don’t really know what Overwatch is exactly, but it does create great cosplay.

    Question. I have very limited time, is Overwatch something that would prove a major time-suck if I got into it?

    • Do you enjoy tf2? It’s similar but not the same in that their are more characters. But if you got sucked into TF2, you’ll probably get sucked into this. I didn’t like TF2, but I got sucked into this.

      I guess the answer is yes.

      • I never played TF2.

        As far as online gaming goes, it was Tribes, then a bit of Halo. I love the look of the art-style of this, just not sure what the actual gameplay is, and if my crappy skills will just annoy.

        • Just go watch some games on YouTube then. It’s FPS with one of 3 objectives. Even if your aim isn’t good there’s likely atleast 1 character you can do well with. Hell Lucio requires no other input but to be next to someone to heal them. Don’t even have to be that close.

    • Individual games take about 10 minutes roughly on average. So you can get through a couple of quickies at a time. However you end up with that nagging “JUST ONE MORE GAME” feeling after every game, especially when you lose close games.

      As stated, it’s pretty much TF2 with a couple of extra mechanics and less content.

      • Prettier, smoother, better balanced (IMO, but that might be arguable), more novel, and more varied in class/ability options…
        But definitely fewer maps and modes. I’m probably getting into Overwatch as soon as it gets horde mode.

      • it’s pretty much TF2 with a couple of extra mechanics and less content.

        To be completely fair, it has a fair bit more content than what TF2 launched with. I have no doubts that over time Overwatch may manage to eclipse TF2 in terms of content.

        • Hey, no arguments there. Overwatch is only 2 months old. But right now it doesnt have anywhere close to the variety of content that TF2 has. At the end of the day, for someone asking what the game is like, it’s a good close summation of what to expect.

    • nope, I have an extremely busy life style and I still manage to get a game or 2 in.

      Games can take anywhere from 10 – 20 minutes.

    • It has for me. I just love the colourful, varied maps and characters as well as the fairly forgiving FPS game play. I’m about 100 hours in so far. Great fun even for someone who doesn’t really play FPS at all.

      • Oh I think it provides a wide variety of flavours.
        That light bitter tang when the enemy ults your whole team and you have to respect it.
        The sharp burst when your useless teammate keeps trying to tell everyone what to do.
        The lingering rubbed raw feeling of that tracer no-one can seem to pin down.
        The course grains in an open wound of that bastion getting potg from behind Reinhardt shields while the 4 Junkrat’s spammed every doorway.

        Something for everyone!

        • The sharp burst when your useless teammate keeps trying to tell everyone what to do.

          Right? If you think we need a healer so bad YOU switch!

  • I go and mindlessly eat cashews and refuse to reflect on the reasons why I sucked.

    Here’s what my brain is thinking:
    “Great news Mark, the kids are asleep and your wife has stopped watching House Rules for 10 precious minutes. Time to play that video game you like. Time to just forget about teamwork, forget about everything except your own selfish desire to run headlong at enemy combatants and shoot them real good.”

    These two things sum up my life so closely it is scary.

    Basically my solution is that once the 3 year old finally goes to sleep, I play 3 player Halo splitscreen on the couch with my two eldest girls. I genuinely have more fun doing that than just about any other gaming experience.

  • There’s only ONE way to play Bastion and not feel like apologising for it. Equip the skin that makes the bird a cardinal 🙂

      • I got home yesterday to realise I have a primed but unpainted Tau XV8-05 Enforcer Crisis just laying around in a box, seems like i’ll have to do a custom job on the little guy. There’s a White Dwarf model form 2011 that came with a bird that could be cardinal material.

        Just when I thought I was out of the 40K hole…

  • I tried to like Overwatch, i really did, I played the free beta for a whole night. I love the art style and all that, the range of characters, the strengths/weaknesses etc etc, but in the end it’s just not for me.

    I really don’t have to time to ‘get gud’ and all the lead up time until I am ‘gud’ is spent sucking and getting frustrated/angry/breaking things which I’m not really that psyched about. I don’t have the energy or even interest to train at a game to then maybe get ‘gud’ so that then maybe i’ll get some enjoyment out of it, particularly when everyone else I seem to play against is strictly pro or better from day 1.

    • I think that’s a fairly limited way of seeing the experience though. Some of the better games I’ve played were the ones we lost, and winning by a mile can be boring too. Yes, going up against a team who really know their heroes and the maps and communicate well is a bit of a bummer when you’re new and your team doesn’t work together. But there’s always ways to push the game to a more enjoyable space, even when you’re losing.

      The ability to swap to another hero is really the chance to add something different. And it’s less about being ‘gud’ than just being able to see a hole in a strategy and try to fill it.

      Another way of putting it, it’s not always about killing or getting the POTG. It’s about pressure. If you can pressure the enemy team to make a sub-optimal play, you give your guys a chance. if you can find a way to ease the pressure for your team, whether by tanking, turreting, healing or whatever, even just a little bit, it can help.

      Now, that doesn’t mean it’s not frustrating to lose. But it’s not as bad as you make it sound I think.

        • Yep, with bots. But there’s no better teacher than raw experience, I say.

          The best thing I found was the testing ground (or whatever it’s called). Basically it’s a space you can try out all the heroes without interference. See how they work and if you like the feel of them, get to know them a bit before jumping into a game.

        • No practice required. The match-making system pairs you with people of your skill level (usually) so don’t worry about sucking. I think as long as you try to be a team player you will be fine, regardless of your FPS skills.

      • I don’t have a lot of time to play games, sometimes its days until i can play again, so i don’t want to play a game where everyone is a lot better than me and it feels frustrating because i’m so inexperienced. That’s not why I play games. It’s not a ‘limited’ way of looking at things, it’s just not the game for me and my situation.

        I don’t play it for the same reasons i don’t play COD or any other multiplayer FPS, and that’s valid enough for me.

        • Fair enough. It wasn’t a criticism of you. Just my opinion.

          I hope to see u on overwatch sometime though, because I do think it’s good.

  • Thats okay you can play as bastion (unless you are like the second or third on the team), the only people I truly dislike are those who seriously play more than one Torbjorn on a defence map, seriously cowards, cant win a defence map without cheese? without using a character without god-like auto-aim? the best, most challenging and close/longest games i have ever had didnt have a single turret

    And currently anyone who thinks they are really good if all they play is Solder 76, oooh ahhhh auto aim is sooooo impressive… disclaimer, that was directed at this one guy who i keep coming across (and getting melted repeatedly by) all last night, he had like 70hours of solider and that was it, oooh he is sooo skill. grrrr. hehe

    • Haha, oh man you sound so frustrated. Love this game.

      But even turrets can be countered though. not always easily, but they’re not unstoppable.

      • hah yeah but totally addicted to it, but when seemingly every game in an evening has three to four turrets (this is on PS4), it just makes them more a slog-fest than an interesting challenge. (or when I keep coming across a single seemingly unbeatable and relentless terminator Solider 76, no matter how many times I leave a lobby at the end of game, wait a few minutes and still our paths cross, he wasnt cheating just really really damn good and me um less so)

  • Rushing the point alone isn’t always a bad thing. When attacking on Temple of Anubis it can cause them to break their defense at the main choke point. I suggest doing so as a tank though so they have to sacrifice more than 1 person at the main gate.

    • My strat is usually Winston through the gate at a sprint, take the left door, pick up the health on the way up. once on the platform, drop the bubble and nuke the turrets. at least harass enough to give the team the break they need.

      • I really need to practice with Winston, I’ve seen some impressive plays with him (a whole team of Winstons not being one of them). That sounds like a sold Tank Strat though. I main D.va as my Tank, boost over the platform through the main gate and come back from behind to deal as much damage as possible.

        • Ah yeah that could work. My main problem with D.Va is that once her mech is gone, she’s kind of useless. Yes it doesn’t take too much to recharge it back. but whenever she’s on my team, I don’t find her that useful.

          • She can be pretty useless, spesh against certain formations, but is great for matches with Pharahs or Reapers because she null and voids their ults with her Defense Matrix. and out of her Meka she can be a real pain to go up against in a 1 on 1, so nimble.

          • Yeah, I haven’t really used her as I imagine I’d be pretty useless in applying her Defense Matrix properly. And I think that’s really where a lot of other players fall over too, I don’t see enough people using it.

            I have also seen other players out of the mech go charging into a massive fight. I’m like, why?!?

  • Honestly unless you are playing the new ranked competitive mode, who cares how good you are just go in and have fun 🙂

    At least that’s how I approach the quick play mode…

  • If only rocket league players had this honesty, rather than spamming the ‘what a save’ button as they ball chase to their heart’s content

  • So is this article about Mark realising his Overwatch faults and attempting to modify his behaviour or just letting us know not to play with him?

      • It’s a trap! Classic Serrels manoeuvre! Lure you into that false sense of security, then BAM…. Hanzo ult through the walls.

        • I hate that freakn ult. I had one get me yesterday when I was running through buildings to get back to the fight after dying from something else. Almost lost my shit.

  • I have a feeling that this is the kind of game that will undoubtedly take over my life.

    The tone, the diversity, the pace, the tactics, the meta…

    I’m going away for a couple of weeks, and honestly? I’m going to miss it…

  • @markserrels
    please change the title of your article to “Suck my left nut, because this is why i love playing Overwatch”


  • Also, I would love to see a stream of Serrels playing this, and commentating on his thought processes as he plays.

    The confusion. The frustration. The Glory!

    In that accent.

  • You don’t need to be sorry Mark, the community should be sorry for being so bitter. They sap the fun out of the game.

  • The overwatch guilt of choosing Lucio and only using his heals selfishly. SHAME Choosing Torb on attack. SHAME Camping tanks. SHAME Hiding on a roof as Pharah waiting for your ulti to charge. SHAME SHAME

  • Lol ok yeah… that’s pretty bad. Not the worst, but pretty bad.

    I got POTG as Lucio the other day. I had a great denial moment when McCree tried to use his ult and i nailed him just in time.

    “It’s high-”

    “Wooh, I am on FI-YAAA!”

  • I’ve been playing it on both PC and PS4 and the PC version seems to have a real problem with people not picking support classes. I’ve probably had to play support on 9 out of 10 games, the problem was far less pronounced on PS4.

    Is it an issue in competitive mode still?

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