Overwatch's Commendation System Is Great For Passive-Aggressive Jerks (Like Me)

Overwatch's Commendation System Is Great For Passive-Aggressive Jerks (Like Me)

Commendations are one of the coolest little things in Overwatch. After matches, you get to formally declare whose contributions you found to be most valuable, even if they're on the other team. The system encourages good sportsmanship and a sense of camaraderie. That is, of course, not how I use it at all.

I am a regrettably passive-aggressive person by nature, and commendations enable the ever-loving, Junkrat-cursing heck out of that tendency. Here are just a few situations in which my commendations don't mean what you think they mean.

Overwatch's Commendation System Is Great For Passive-Aggressive Jerks (Like Me)

The situation: Someone pulls off an incredible Play Of The Game -- maybe a well-timed Reaper, D.Va, or McCree ult, or Torbjorn goes for a nice hallway jog and his turret kills a couple people -- and I'm part of it. They're up for a commendation afterward. Everyone in chat is singing their praises because, OK yeah, good fucking job or whatever.

Who I commend: The person who got PoTG.

What it looks like: Nice one, dude! You really got me haha.

What I'm actually thinking: Everyone else is commending this arsehole, so if I don't do it, I'll look petty. They saw me get stomped so hard that a few of my teeth are now embedded in the Earth's core. They know what's up. But I clench my jaw while I click the upvote button, and I press on my mouse so hard my finger pops and aches. I do this because I want you to feel my spite. I pray that some unknowable force of the universe transfers my agony through that click, and it makes you feel bad. We could've been friends, you know. I can see it now: us going to parties together, me offering you a shoulder to cry on after a tough break-up, the two of us -- aged, but satisfied with a long and happy life -- watching a sunset from our rocking chairs in a very on-the-nose moment of idyllic subtext. Now that's all gone. You ruined it by beating me at a video game.

Overwatch's Commendation System Is Great For Passive-Aggressive Jerks (Like Me)

The situation: A healer or support is up for a commendation, even though they only did an OK job and some other fucker played the best of round of their as Junkrat and killed me, like, five times. Consecutively.

Who I commend: The healer/support, whether they're on my team or the other one.

What it looks like: You did a good job healing there, kid. Remember: the most valuable natural resource of all is friendship. Or maybe it's fossil fuels, since people, you know, do wars over that stuff. Whatever. I'm still proud of you.

What I'm actually thinking: OK, there are a couple things going on here: 1) Supports don't get enough credit in Overwatch, and their job is often tougher than anyone else's. Who supports the supports? In many cases, nobody. A commendation is the least I can give anyone who takes on a job that, sometimes, nobody else wants. 2) FUCK YOU, JUNKRAT PLAYER. I HOPE BEING SO GOOD AT THIS VIDEO GAME GIVES YOU THE FLEETING JOY YOU CRAVE, BECAUSE YOUR CHILDREN ARE UGLY AND YOUR MARRIAGE IS PROBABLY DISTINCTLY UNSATISFYING, BUT YOU'RE STAYING IN IT FOR YOUR UGLY CHILDREN.

Exception to the rule: A Symmetra player is up for a commendation, but in part because she got me with a turret cluster around a health pack. I bet you think you're sooooo clever. Sure, maybe I should have seen it coming and avoided it, but more importantly you're a jerk and I hate you.

Overwatch's Commendation System Is Great For Passive-Aggressive Jerks (Like Me)

The situation: I'm playing one of my favourite characters -- Mei, Genji, Reinhardt, Roadhog, Lucio, Reaper, Symmetra, or Pharah -- and so is somebody else on the other team. The match ends, and the commendation screen pops up. I'm not on it. They are.

Who I commend: Literally anyone except them.

What it looks like: I hope a giant boulder falls on your legs and immobilizes you completely, and then two stinky-arse wildebeests start doing at it right on top of you. I hope you have to watch their engorged genitalia slap together for hours, maybe days. I hope that, months later, the wildebeests ultimately give birth on top of you, and you witness the miracle of life in all its hideous wonderment. I hope it puts everything in perspective, and then -- and only then -- you realise what a dick move it was to PLAY BETTER THAN ME WITH MY OWN FAVOURITE CHARACTER.

What I'm actually thinking: Exactly that.

Overwatch's Commendation System Is Great For Passive-Aggressive Jerks (Like Me)

The situation: Bastion is up for a commendation.

Who I commend: Nobody.

What it looks like: No.

What I'm actually thinking: I refuse.

Overwatch's Commendation System Is Great For Passive-Aggressive Jerks (Like Me)

The situation: My Lucio skated circles around the competition, or my Reinhardt blocked every bullet and tackled an exploding D.Va mech off a cliff right in the nick of time, or my Pharah blasted the whole enemy team into a pit and laughed and laughed and laughed. Regardless, I'm up for a commendation.

Who I commend: Somebody who's not me.

What it looks like: Grace in victory, the only thing more important than grace in defeat (which is my best quality, obvs).

What I'm actually thinking: I am so humble and kind, unlike a certain Patrick Klepek. Everyone had damn well better notice that. Really, I deserve a commendation for not giving myself a commendation. Also a medal for just being a really cool, down-to-earth dude who's super fun at parties. Hey, I'm suddenly back at the looking-for-game screen. Where'd everybody go?


Comments

    Rule 1: Only commend own team. Never commend enemies. Never. Supreme, inviolate rule.
    Rule 2: Always commend Bastion. Always... unless this violates rule 1.
    Rule 3: Commend RL friends unless in violation of rule 1 or 2.
    Rule 4: Commend healers regardless of performance... unless this violates rule 1, 2, or 3.

    (Rules work best when playing as Bastion always.)

    Last edited 09/06/16 12:11 pm

      Of course you'd commend bastion.... Is there no end to your madness?!

      Last edited 09/06/16 12:33 pm

        There were a couple times when I played something other than Bastion. Basically permanently fucked up my stats.

          You do realise you're part of the problem...If I see one more Bastion on Gibraltar firing out of the spawn door at the end point I'm gunna go apeshit Winston style on something. Feel free to drop by my house when that happens!

            I feed on tears and my repeated Plays of the Game.
            There are so many of both.

          I bet your one of those clever flanking bastions that keep ambushing teams from behind, those are the worst :P

            I honestly haven't played since the open beta, I was just one of those who sat in the obvious places and created the obvious meatgrinders that everyone's probably adapted to now but were infuriated by when new.

      Rule 1: It is known

      *nods knowingly*

        Yep, everything else is negotiable. If the whole selection is opposing players... give an indignant huff and turn your nose up.

        Actually sometimes I'll vote for an opposing Mercy because damn it is pretty hard to play those without (a) getting shot and (b) letting your team down by only healing one or two players when others are getting slaughtered.

          Ha, Mercy... I got a play of the game with her side arm once.

          Angel of DEATH

          Edit: There was originally some other words but it ended up as a brag... *shrug*

          Last edited 09/06/16 2:51 pm

    You play as Mei or whacky waveing inflatable tube arm Hanzo you dont deserve a commendation.

      Naww, does someone keep getting frozen?

      If you play well as Mei - congratulations! I can't use the ice climber at all..

        The only thing to remember when playing as Mei is to be annoying as fuck and to ambush people with your ice spray.

          She's too cool for me...

          Also, I don't want to be that n00b putting up walls in terrible spots for my group.

    My only rule is that I never vote bastion ..... ever

    then it follows this order

    1. RL friend got on commendation screen
    2. Healer in my team
    3. Tank in my team
    4. myself

    I usually let others votes dictate where I throw mine, troll up voting Bastion might be a new thing I'll start doing though.

    Yeah healer don't get enough credit..

    If anyone on my team gets 25-50% of kills/heals/anything they get the commendation

    *cough* I vote for myself all the time. I support the crap out of my teams and they just don't utilise it.

      If I'm on there I always vote for myself. I wait a second though so it looks like someone making a careful choice

    My rules are:

    1. Vote for Friends - Support friends first then amazing plays
    2. Vote for support - Including me if I was a boss - irrespective of team (unless it violates 1)
    3. Vote for best teammate - Unless it violates 1 or 2 or I know that user didnt contribute to the objective
    3.5. Vote for best enemy if they were outstanding
    4. Myself if not support

    I only vote Bastion when they actually earn it. The rest of the time its whoever was playing support characters, my team or not.

    I always vote for the player who made the most difference on the winning team over the course of the match. I don't understand why people only vote for their team. You got outplayed, so give credit where it is due.

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