One of the biggest scandals to hit the 2016 Google Doodle Fruit Games was the realisation that I can't ride a tricycle. But it's far from the only one. My career as a Fruitlympian is over.
Not pictured: Me
The 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio are coming to a close, after two weeks of the world's best athletes showing the rest of us that we're plebs, as well as delicious scandals.
And during that time, the Google Doodle folks hosted their latest time wasters: The 2016 Doodle Fruit Games -- simple mobile app games, which have shown me that my reaction times are that of a pleb, as well as giving a peek into a weird fruit dystopia. Or something...
My account of the seven available events are as follows:
Event 1: The Strawberry Sprint Game Was A Death Trap Disguised As Fun
In this event, Google overestimated my left and right screen tapping abilities. Scattered on the ground were speed up pads -- I was supposed to touch those, I think. Google also thought I needed a little incentive by allowing a watermelon into the competition. One of the other fruits got squashed by it because I cut him off. Harsh. That was my first clue that the Fruit Games were not all they seemed.
I ran the races at least two more times, and every time I finished in second place. At least I never got squashed by that terror, the Watermelon. Hunger Game Fans, I have a question: what usually happens to runners-up?
Best Score: 25.6 secs
Event 2: Pineapple Tennis Ended In Tears And Straight Up Murder
Now here is a game I was actually decent at. Timed taps volleyed the tennis ball back and forth between my opponents and me. I slaughtered them -- and then stood on the bodies of my competitors.
Well, that smarmy Dragon Fruit deserved it, anyway. No regrets.
Best score: 33
Event 3: Grape Hurdles Sent Me To The Hospital
I didn't like this one. Not. one. bit. Hurdle jumping isn't as easy as touching the screen and swiping your finger! Oh...well, according to this Google game, it is. I got two stars out of three, and many buzzer sounds every time I barreled through the hurdles. Whatever.
Best score: 28
Event 4: Lemon Pool Shenanigans Questioned Everything In The World
There was something very wrong with this "pool". Ice cubes, rubber duckies, and crossbones obstacles were all up in the water. Tilting the phone to avoid them wasn't so bad. Hitting the ice was a terrible ordeal, but I suppose the pool situation could have been worse.
Best score: 67m
Event 5: Blueberry Golf Wasn't At All Like Golf (Not That I Would Actually Know)
This event required skillfully tilting the phone to quickly move the blueberry "golf ball" into three sections of a golf course. It's a bit like those wooden puzzle games where you tilt it to move the tiny silver balls into holes. I was not so skillful. Perhaps more disturbing is that the golfer is an orange. That blueberry needs to stand up for itself.
Best score: 65s
Event 6: All The Years of Going Apple Picking and Kicking Them, Finally Paid Off
This was another event of fruit on fruit violence, as it's your job as an apple to toss grapes repeatedly into a net. It's so fun though, that who cares really? Aiming and flicking fingers across the touchscreen is how this event is played, and I did wonderfully. At least I felt I did. A winner is me.
Best score: 21
Event 7: Coconut BMX Can Crawl Into A Hole And Die
Ugh. This game. The one with the tricycle riding coconut. No matter how many tricks I tried to apply, I never got more than one star in this event. Maybe it was the squeaky tricycle chain that distracted me, as a reminder of that time I almost got killed by a dog when I was riding my own tricycle as a child. Yeah. Let's go with that excuse for my incompetence at pressing the touchscreen and my poorly timed releases.
Best score: 1686
And now for a display of my collective shame, for your viewing pleasure:
Can't wait to see how I fail in 2020.
All images via screencap.