One of the most requested snacks in Snacktaku history has us convinced you really, really hate us. Even Logo Ghost is afraid of Key Lime Slime Twinkies, and he's already dead.
Obviously your plan to kill me failed, though at least half of the cross-branded snack cakes involved deserves a medal for its valiant attempt. I say half because there are actually two different flavours of Limited Edition Ghostbusters Twinkies — the more prominent Key Lime Slime, and the completely unexciting White Fudge Marshmallow.
Why is Slimer not on the Key Lime Slime box? Read on.
Or perhaps the understated near-elegance of the White Fudge Marshmallow Twinkies are all part of the plan. They're the most harmless thing, evoking flavours we loved from childhood. They could never, ever possibly destroy us.
It almost looks sad.
White Fudge Marshmallow Twinkies taste as harmless as they look. There is nothing dangerous about the thin, gelatinous layer of marshmallow, as long as you don't think about mucus membranes too hard while looking at a closeup.
No membranes here at all.
It's sweet, in a basic sort of way. The marshmallow flavour comes out in big bites, but it's still just marshmallow. In order for this Twinkie to make a significant impact it would have to be thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds. That's a big Twinkie.
So that leaves Key Lime Slime.
Now I love Key Lime Pie. I like it fresh and slightly tart and green as it wants to be. Key Lime Pie is honest with its green. It's out there in the open. It's welcoming, and sometimes beckoning, two things these limited edition Twinkies are not.
If this were a breaded chicken breast stuffed with broccoli and cheese, this would be acceptable.
The unnatural colouring in Twinkies lurks below the surface, swimming just out of sight. In spots it rises to the surface of the golden snack cake, corruption seeping up from the darkest places of the Earth. The Old Ones rise, chanting songs of rusted blades with the voices of bloated corpses strangling on seaweed. They're nasty.
The bell shall toll thricely, and his mark shall spread across your skin. Gross.
Between the green colour and the word "Slime" on the box, I am guessing Hostess felt they'd reached the very limits of how much you can disgust a consumer and still have them consume, so Slimer didn't make the cut.
It's horror on the outside, science on the inside. I don't know if it's the food colouring or the incredibly mild lime flavour of the creme clashing with the cake, but the strong bitter chemical aftertaste makes an unpleasant experience even moreso.
That said, between the two Limited Edition Ghostbusters Twinkies, Key Lime Slime is the clear winner. It blends the supernatural and scientific in together in a way that's thematic to the point of nigh-inedibility. That is dedication.
It never breaks character.
Oh, and a word of advice — if you're trying to kill us, you'd better bring your A game. Join us next week for Clorox Bleach: The Snacktaku Review.
Snacktaku is Kotaku's take on the wild and wonderful world of eating (and drinking) things, but not eating meals. Eating meals is for those with too much time on their hands.