I Ate A Mutant Burger And It Gave Me Mutant Poop

Image: Kotaku

We get a lot of junk food sent into the office. So when a PR company announced via email that Deliveroo was putting together a fast food delight was inspired by Mystique, of course I was interested.

What the PR firm didn't tell me was the horrors I'd have to endure the week afterwards.

It was pitched as an homage to the new X-Men movie, a burger themed after the iconic shapeshifting Mystique. Put together by Ribs & Burgers, the creation was billed as a triple chilli beast with crumbed chicken, blue cheese, lettuce, spanish onion and tomato all encapsulated in a sesame seed bun.

That happened to be bright blue. Electric blue, if you will.

At the time, our erstwhile publisher chimed in with a nugget of wisdom.

"There will be repercussions," he quipped.

There were.

You know what happens when you put that much food dye in your body? It comes out the other end.

FOR A WEEK.

Presented without comment. (Image: Kotaku)

The burger itself, incidentally, wasn't too bad. The triple chilli element was oversold to the rafters -- the most kick on mine came from the spanish onion, and the blue cheese sauce which slowly spilled out over my plate and hands.

And while I'm a big fan of blue cheese sauce on steak -- roquefort with a bit of cream melted down is divine -- it didn't really work here. It just became one heavy flavour cancelling out another, and the greasy aftertaste left you feeling a bit shameful by the end of it all.

Having The Burger Project and Bar Luca literally minutes away from our office really has spoiled me when it comes to "fast food".

Especially when those burgers don't give you daily reminders that you missed out on tickets to the Blue Man Group.

Image: Kotaku

When it first happened, I thought I'd popped into the loo just after the cleaners. The remnants were a bright, almost incandescent blue. I wasn't looking by choice, incidentally -- our work toilets flush via a foot pedal, so you basically have to stand and face the toilet.

But I didn't even stop to think that the almost X-Men-esque blue radiating filling the bowl might have been a product of my creation.

Until it happened later that day. And the day after. And the day after that. The blue shits refused to cease. Was Eiffel 65 having a party in my arse? Maybe I was sick. Maybe I should I see a doctor, I thought.

What happens when the old wives tale comes true about getting hit by a bus? Will the paramedics think I'm some kind of alien?

It wasn't just me; colleagues told me, rather delicately, that I wasn't alone.

What a delight. We're all experiencing a rising Blue Moon.

Note to self: don't eat bright blue burgers again. The free lunch was nice, and Ribs & Burgers do some amazing chips. But my insides can probably do without the, uh, added colour.


Comments

    My thoughts of you discussing how you blue yourself...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axHe_BVY_9c

    I just freeze
    Every time you see through me
    And it's all over you
    Electric blue
    In too deep
    Standing here waiting
    As I'm breaking into
    Electric blue
    I can see
    Can see that it may be just a vision for you
    Electric blue
    On my knees
    Help me, baby
    Tell me what can I do?
    Electric blue

    I know the feeling. As a kid I made a milkshake and put a bunch of food dye in to make it green. A little too much as I had the technicolour poops for a few days after.

    Every year after the kids birthday we have interesting coloured poop because of the food dye in the cake/frosting.

    I remember having similar experiences as a kid with slurpees/icees.

    Days though. Man. That's a little unsettling. Just one blue poo, you'd just call it a blooper and leave it at that.

    Many, many years back we had a blue poo night where we all drunk blue breezers to see if your poo would turn blue. Unfortunately the pseudo-experiment went haywire when we decided to start putting blue food colouring in beer. Everyone at the pub joined in and it resulted in a pub full of blue beer.

    End result was that yes, it did turn our poo blue, but only for one day.

    If anything, shouldn't it bring a nice added change to your bowels movements... Brown gets old very fast.

      That's why it's sometimes known colloquially as "getting the Quakes".

      Sometimes you get tired of pooping those Quakes and you just want to poop a Halo instead.

      Last edited 06/10/16 4:10 pm

    I am both relieved and disappointed there are no photos of your glowing blue stools.

    Roquefort and cream? You what? Here's how you make a fantastic blue cheese sauce.

    Get some fresh sage leaves. Chop them fine and fry them in butter over heat enough to make the butter foam (med-high). Lower the heat and stir in 200g of gorgonzola dolce, a cup of milk, a lashing of freshly-ground pepper and a tiny dash (no more than 1/8 teaspoon) of nutmeg. Throw in a splash of vermouth and stir them until they're combined.

    Goes fantastically on steak, or throw in a handful of parmesan and stir it through some gnocchi or tagliatelle.

    Roqufort and cream indeed.

      Kotaku AU is becoming a rather good source of recipes. I vote we get a regular talk amongst yourselves style cooking thread going.

      I reject your Italian stylings, sir! Vive la France!

    For all the photos of food my wife puts on Facebook, I'm always commenting "where is the after-photo?".

    Came here looking for one, disappointed :(

    This reminds me of Pepsi Blue when it was available here in the late 90's/early 2000's. I didn't mind it actually, I liked the taste, and drank it reasonably often, so I was disappointed when it was discontinued.

    But the side effect of drinking blue Pepsi? It turned my poo green.

    "I wasn’t looking by choice, incidentally — our work toilets flush via a foot pedal, so you basically have to stand and face the toilet."

    Serious question - why did you feel the need to justify this? I'd be worried for anyone that isn't checking and is missing out on an easy health diagnostic.

      And whether the subsequent flushing has been adequate.

    Even eaten a whole bag of licorice in one day Alex? ;)

    That burger looks way too big in the last photo. I think it's the hand in the background.

    Rebecca Romijn is the one and only Mystique. Accept no substitutes.

    Also, overindulging on beetroot can have a horrifying effect on one's excreta.

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