Patches We'd Like To See In Old Final Fantasy Games

In the wake of yesterday's news that Final Fantasy 15 will get patches to add cutscenes and fill in some plot holes, we started thinking: What if older Final Fantasy games got patches, too?

Surely there are some things about old Final Fantasy games we could go back and fix, George Lucas style? Let's brainstorm.

Final Fantasy

  • Patch to add new cutscene explaining how Garland turned into Chaos.
  • Patch to add new cutscene explaining that Garland is secretly the father of the four heroes.
  • Patch to add new cutscene explaining that the Circle of Sages are all soulless clones from the moon.
  • Patch to add new cutscene explaining that the true Four Fiends were inside us all along.
  • Patch to add new belts to Garland and Chaos.
  • Patch to add new hairstyles to all characters.

Final Fantasy 4

  • Patch to get Kain to just chill.
  • Patch that makes Edward die for real.
  • Patch to let you drive the Giant of Babel and do, like, robot punches and shit.
  • Patch to erase all memories that The After Years ever happened.

Final Fantasy VI

  • Patch to let Locke steal clothing from any character in the game.
  • Patch to replace every line of dialogue with "Son of a submariner!"
  • Patch explaining where Banon went in the World of Ruin.
  • Patch expanding the Opera House performance to be a more realistic three to four hours.
  • Patch to make it clearer that magicite might look cute but it's actually the remnants of dead espers and that when you use it, you're literally sucking energy out of an esper's corpse. Maybe add screams?

Final Fantasy 7

  • Patch to add detailed cutscenes during chocobo breeding
  • Patch to add mini-game where you play as a Shinra executive who's just trying to feed his family, only to get murdered by those terrorists at Avalanche.
  • Patch to replace the entire combat system with the slap battle between Tifa and Scarlet.
  • Patch to replace the entire game with the slap battle between Tifa and Scarlet.
  • Patch to revive Aeris.
  • Patch to kill Aeris again.

Final Fantasy 8

  • ...whatever...

Final Fantasy 9

  • Patch to turn Tetra Master into Triple Triad.
  • Patch to give Amarant a personality.
  • Patch to give Quina less of a personality.
  • Patch that replaces Necron's speech with an apology from the developers explaining that they ran out of time and couldn't think of a final boss.
  • Patch to let you just yank Zidane's tail every once in a while.

Final Fantasy 10

  • Patch to make lightning dodging harder, just for kicks.
  • Patch to add Blitzball Commissioner that doles out random player suspensions, enacts arbitrary rule changes and pretends to care about concussions.
  • Patch to make Tidus laugh more often.

Final Fantasy 12

  • Patch to make you believe Ondore's lies.
  • Patch to put giant signs on the Zodiac Spear chests saying "DON'T OPEN THESE CHESTS".
  • Patch to replace Vaan with Balthier.
  • Patch to replace entire game with Balthier.

Final Fantasy 13 

  • Patch to remove Hope.
  • Patch to remove Vanille.
  • Patch to remove Final Fantasy 13.

Final Fantasy 14

  • Patch to remove monthly subscription, I mean for real I've been paying $US15 ($20)/month for like six months without actually playing the game but I don't want to cancel because it's really good yet I have no idea why I'm still paying, I mean what the hell man?

Comments

    So I guess FF8 doesn't need any patches because it's perfect. ^_^

      I loved FFVIII. It was first FF game and one of my favourites. I don't know why people are bagging it out all the time. :(

        Well, from my point of view, I came from FF7 into FF8. By comparison, the junction system is absolute garbage by comparison to the materia system. When a major gameplay component is not fun, it's easy to dismiss the game.

        However, I still really enjoyed my time with FF8. Triple Triad was amazing, and it had a lot of great themes, characters, locations and a very interesting story. I just really hate the junction system, so it will never be anywhere near my favourite.

        Yep FF8 was my first game in the series too, loved it.

      Yeh, what gives? He then references in with Triple Triad in FF9???

      How about
      - Patch to replace junction system with materia system
      - Patch to replace combat with triple triad
      - Patch to switch dream events and real events

      -

      I love FF8 but the whole fourth disc needs to be patched.

    I should have known this would be a shitpost. I clicked on it hoping to find a nice analytical article that detailed some things that might be worth changing in the games to suit modern gaming environments. But of course I would be wrong.

    Such shade at ff13. Hope was one of the few well developed characters in the trilogy. Patch to remove vanilles accent I am ok with. You spelled Aerith incorrectly.

      She will always be Aeris to me. Most people in Aus would call her Aeris I would think.

      If Aeris = Aerith...

      Terra = Tina
      Sabin = Mash
      Edge = Edward
      Edward = Gilbert
      Lenna = Reina
      Krile = Cara

      So no. It's Aeris.

      Last edited 09/12/16 8:49 pm

        Crisis Core - Aerith
        Kingdom Hearts 1/2/CoM - Aerith
        Dissidia - Aerith
        Theatrhythm - Aerith
        Advent Children - Aerith
        And technically coded as Aerith pre naming her character in FF7 which is overridden when the character asks us to name her (like red and ex-soldier)

        Consider Gojira who is generally known as Godzilla unless one is speaking in Japanese.
        I will concede that the name is Aeris in the name your character screen, but pretty much only then.
        7 was pretty overrated anyway though so

          It's not uncommon for names to be changed from Japanese to English versions, as it is officially Aeris in the English releases and this article and your comments are in English, Aeris in this context is correct with regards to ff7.

    The limit break system and Materia from FF7 are the two things I'd notice missing from other games in the series. They should patch these into all the FF!

    Yeah..

      Materia can feck right off, would much rather 6 or 9 learning from equipped gear through AP for permanent abilities rather than micromanaging shitty little orbs. I get that they are a story element but lord forbid materia keeper can't be arsed casting trine on you or you don't have 4 Eskills on when you get to the crater and have zombie dragon cast ??? Doom on you. Missing any number of summon materia. Having yuffie shit on your carefully organised allocations etc.

      Limit break I didn't mind so much though I think trance was executed a little better.

        Trance did have the problem of triggering when you didn't want it to though.

        C'mon...

        I liked that I could "save" my limit breaks for any fight I wanted. So when Zidane first trances out against the ochu I was like ( ಠ_ಠ)FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

        Materia was great! It becomes obsolete quickly, sure. I play challenge runs in FF7 and certain materia make it fun. Playing a solo character playthrough and getting the long range materia is amazing.

        etc. reasons, preferences..

        Last edited 09/12/16 11:03 pm

    Replace all main character combat dying mechanics with "Fainting"
    Replace all revive descriptions to say they revive unconcious characters.

    Then they can murder all the main characters in cut scenes all they like and not have a gapping plot hole in it that makes Cloud look like a scrouge for not using a Phoenix Down.

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