Things haven’t been going awesome for Kim Kardashian recently, what with the robbery and her husband’s psychotic break. Hey, she’s taking selfies again, at least! Kim, if you’re reading this, take solace in the fact that the version of you in my game of The Sims is having a much, much worse time.
Last week I grabbed a bunch of celebrities from The Sims 4 gallery and dumped them in a giant house. Things went poorly for Drake — he attempted to befriend Cate Blanchett, but instead got too stoned and sang so badly it hurt her ears, so I thought I’d take control of another sim for a while. Kim seemed like the most obvious choice. Real life Kim has a reality television show, so I figured sim Kim would be just as entertaining.
If you don’t make your sims cook in game and they live with someone else who makes meals, they might never learn to cook. It’s at least true to life — once a friend and I were concerned my then-roommate might get scurvy because he never cooked and the only citrus he was getting was from the limes in gin and tonics. So I decided to make Kim do breakfast for everyone. Easy enough, right?
Wrong. She set the fucking house on fire.
Understandably, this made everyone very tense.
No one was in a good mood for the rest of the day, so I pretty much let them do their thing. The only wants Kim ever rolls are to buy new things and swim in the pool, so I did my best to satiate her. But even as she splashed around and I bought her knick knacks and doo dads, she wasn’t able to shake the post-“being on fire” jitters. I was determined to turn things around for Kim. How about a romance?
Here’s where I fucked up. My lovely coworker, Heather Alexandra, had suggested that I add both The Rock and Dwayne Johnson to my house. The problem was, when I returned to the game a few days later, I forgot which one Kim was flirting with.
And now he’s dating Rihanna.
Kim, I’m so sorry. For what it’s worth your fellow snobs, Cate Blanchett and Tilda Swinton, clearly don’t know what to do without you.
Maybe next time the three of them should have a girls’ night out. You know what they say: the real The Sims are the friends you make along the way.