Launching this week at Starbucks across the United States, the Unicorn Frappuccino is a unique blend of oddly-purple mango and all the sour in the entire world. Nothing screams "unicorn" like those two things. Except maybe a man being murdered by a unicorn.
Before we begin, in the interest of full disclosure I must point out that my wife has worked for Starbucks for over a decade. I must also point out that I don't like drinking coffee, so the main benefit of her employment is being able to give my family roasted beans on the holidays and having to watch the kids three or four nights a week while she works.
One of those night happened to be Easter Sunday, so after a fun-filled day of eating too much at my parents' house, I loaded my over-sugared children into the van and headed home. Or I would have headed home, had the wife not texted be and asked if I wanted to try Starbucks' new Unicorn Frappuccino. Of course I wanted to try that thing.
What is a Unicorn Frappuccino? Looking at the drink without foreknowledge, one could not be blamed for thinking it some sort of berry concoction. But that pinkish-purple is no better flavour. It's mango, coloured with some sort of powder. The whipped cream up top is dusted with sparkly sprinkles of intensely sour sugar, and the blue stuff in the cup is actual unicorn semen.
OK fine, it tastes nothing like unicorn semen. It's actually a combination of white mocha syrup, one of the sweetest syrups known to barristae, simple syrup, while is basically more sugar, and a packet of powder that's mixed with the two to make something bold, blue and painfully sour.
How sour? It's this face sour:
It's a cup full of colouring, sour and evil intent. I missed the mango initially due to the colour and the somewhat apple-y sour tricking my taste buds into thinking I was drinking something else. Once the sour (mostly) faded, the Unicorn Frappuccino mainly made me wish I'd gotten a straight up mango one instead.
This is a drink that feels like it was specifically designed for teens, young adults and 40-ish men sitting in the Starbucks parking lot filming Snacktaku videos. It's all about the spectacle. It tastes nothing like unicorn.
Starbucks' Unicorn Frappuccino hits menus across the country on April 19.