You did not come here for a nuanced discussion of the positives inherent in every E3 press conference, and the love we all share for this medium. You came here for blood, and it is blood you shall receive.
While E3 is supposed to be a place where the video game industry's biggest players present their wares in a bid to get you all excited about everything, it invariably ends up a contest, in which the game-playing public declare that some showings were better than others, and that the losers should thus be put to death.
To assist you, dear reader, here are our own takes on which games/companies have walked away from this week showered in accolades, and also which face a violent end in the court of public opinion.
SUPER MARIO ODYSSEY - Jazz, hats, taxis, weddings, tanks: This is a weird Mario game, but it's also shaping up to be a very good one.
BEYOND GOOD & EVIL 2 - My, this looks different since the last time we saw it. How nice.
WOLFENSTEIN II: THE NEW COLOSSUS - We weren't into the last Wolfenstein for the shooting, we were in it for the story, and that looks like it's being well catered for here with a ground floor view of a Nazi Americana.
EA'S SINGLEPLAYER SPORTS RPGs - Sports games have slanted their offerings towards the lucrative multiplayer market for years. It's nice to see the emphasis — inspired by the success of rival NBA 2K — sliding back towards the loner, with three of EA Sports' big releases this year (FIFA, NBA Live and Madden) each including a cinematic singleplayer campaign.
ASSASSIN'S CREED ORIGINS - Oh, did we say Assassin nonsense? This doesn't look like nonsense at all, with Origins looking like a mix of Breath of the Wild's acrobatic combat blended with Ghost Recon's drone warfare.
SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS - Yet another remaster would have been pushing it with this game, but thankfully this is a full-blown remake, meaning even those who have played it to death on PS2 and/or PS3 will find new stuff to poke at and enjoy.
METROID - The people cried out for a new Metroid game. They got two. What the fuck.
PRESS CONFERENCES - For as long as I can remember, there has always been a "winner" when it comes to the big publisher's E3 press conferences, and everyone else was left to worry about just far they'd fallen behind. This year, I don't think anyone nailed it. Microsoft showed a lot of games but not many interesting ones, Sony's show was a procession of stuff we'd already seen, Ubisoft's was competent, and the less we say about EA (zzzz) and Bethesda (just not enough games for their own show) the better. 2017 has been a year for small, individual highlights, not barnstorming presentations as a whole.
Petition to change the name of next year's "E3 Media Briefings" to "Trailers With Cheering"
— Chris Kohler?! (@kobunheat) June 14, 2017
GRAN TURISMO - Gran Turismo was once a jewel in Sony's crown, a certified system-seller. In 2017, the series has slid so far down the company's (and public's) pecking order that the upcoming Gran Turismo Sport didn't even make it into Sony's E3 press conference. It was a sad sight to behold.
ESPORTS COMMENTERS - We're not talking about the real ones. You guys do good work. I mean the fakes ones that companies drag out to narrate gameplay demonstrations at E3. It is excruciating. Please stop.
PLAYSTATION VITA - Undertale is coming to Vita, something even Sony's official tweet failed to mention. Aside from that, it was another agonising major show for Vita owners, with enough news to keep the system alive, and thus too much news to let us officially put the handheld out of its misery.
BETHESDA'S CREATION CLUB - No matter what they call it or what kind of spin they put on it, every time Bethesda tries to trot out a way of getting people to pay for mods (or even just exert some control over the market for them), the people get angry.
And that's it! Literally everything else was just fine.