[email protected]#, Date Or Marry: The Video Game Villians Edition

Image: Kotaku Australia

We have some weird conversations at lunch here at Kotaku. Last week we got onto the topic of which video game villains we'd get down with. Sure, the game is usually Fuck, Marry, Kill. But why would we let people off that easily?

Here are the results.


The Illusive Man -- Mass Effect Series

Image: Mass Effect

Fuck

My 25 year old self would have been all about this fuccboi's emotional unavailability. I mean, the hint is in the name, right? -- Tegan

Marry

Probably marry, because you'd get booted out of the airlock otherwise. Very much the controlling type. -- Alex

Fuck

Nothing about TIM could make me want to go anywhere near him emotionally. His smoking habit is also a huge turnoff. But he does have a great voice (thank you Martin Sheen), a sharp suit, and a pampered lifestyle. The view from his room is a giant dying sun, which would offer some great bedroom lighting. -- Lauren

Marry

I'll be his republican trophy wife. -- Chris


Kerrigan -- Starcraft

Image: Starcraft

Marry

All that overlord power and shit! I could potentially be the house husband to the ruler of the galaxy. Shes still kinda creepy, but also the Beyonce of the star craft world right? -- Matt

Date

Most people would be like "fuck yeah" but I feel like the whole waking up on a pool of purple shit every morning would wear you down quite a bit. -- Alex


GladOS -- Portal

Image: Half Life Wiki

Marry

Deadpan snark mixed with homicidal impulses? Most marriages are exactly like this. -- Chris

Marry

Til death do you part is her MO, no? -- Haoran

Marry

MARRY MARRY HOW IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION MARRY -- Alex

Date

I'd be pissed too if my employer shoved my essence into an omnipotent operating system. I would love to take her to brunch, with cake, so we could bond over inappropriate workplace relationships and how we'd love to retire to a small acreage one day. -- Tegan


Slender Man -- Slender The Arrival

Image: YouTube

Date

I’d date him. Once. Out of pity. And then change my address. Although he’s probably the most successful at stalking. All the static he creates would make movie nights challenging. -- Lauren

Fuck

I guess?

I mean, I wouldn't under normal circumstances. But even under weird circumstances shit would get weird. Like you'd be brushing your teeth and old mate white face pops up behind you in the mirror. Or you're dropping some kids off at the pool, playing a game on your phone, you look up and he's just there, staring at you.

It wouldn't even be a one night stand. More like one minute and GTFO. -- Alex

Date

He's the guy I would have dated in high school because at the time it seemed romantic that he spent all his time following me around. In reality, his lack of mates and penchant for sending me the lyrics to 'Where The Wild Roses Grow' should have been a massive red flag.

I'll probably find one of his shit, handwritten poems next time I sift through my teenage bedroom and hope to Christ that's just red ink. -- Tegan


Goro -- Mortal Kombat Series

Image: YouTube

Date

He can hold x2 more stuff when we go on dates. -- Chris

Date

I mean he's ripped to shreds, but at what cost? I feel like Goro is that gym douche who keeps asking you out until he finally wears you down. The date is awful because all he has to talk about are his gains and whether you really should be having dessert.

You change gyms the next day. -- Tegan

Fuck

I cannot look at Goro and think anything but fuccboi. -- Alex


Carmen Sandiego -- Carmen Sandiego Series

Image: YouTube

Fuck

Something tells me she’d be hot, but also you couldn’t keep a secret from her right. She steals stuff! -- Matt

Date (but kinda marry)

All women are mysterious anyway, and this one likes to travel. A whirlwind fling in Paris, followed by partying all night in Rio, drunk marriage in Vegas, followed by a quick annulment in Vatican City. -- Haoran

Date

I mean, I'd love to marry, but it'd never work out, would it? -- Alex

Date

Casually, that is. She is the perfect FIFO girlfriend. She won't ask any questions about your other lovers if you don't ask about where all the expensive gifts are coming from. -- Tegan

Fleeting dates around the world would be magical, though. Plus you'd get into the whole art thief scene and everything. What a life that'd be. -- Alex

Date

Straight up I’d be doing bad things to Kerrigan and Carmen. By that, I mean I will them take them out on nice dinner dates on the same night at different restaurants on the same street.

I'll constantly tell the two of them that I am just going to the bathroom and then dart off from one date to the other until eventually one of them begins to get the idea I am being untrustworthy. She follows me to the other restaurant where a stand-off occurs between the two women, before they decide that I am a two-timing loser and they go and enjoy their night together. -- Jackson


Revolver Ocelot -- Metal Gear Series

Image: Supplied

Fuck

He's got a whole communism meets the Wild West vibe. It'd be like the guy at a bar who you look at and go, "JFC that's corny", but then you look over and discover a whole bunch of people are into it.

So yeah, sure. DTF for a night or two. But I mean, then you have to deal with the whole Metal Gear mindfuck, so dating's out of the question. -- Alex

Marry

Ocelot is an enigmatic hard worker who is incredibly patient. I don’t think it will last, you can never be sure where his loyalty lies, but it won’t be from a lack of effort on my part to keep the marriage going I can assure you. -- Lauren

Fuck

He's probably the guy I banged once in uni at a mutual friend's dank house party. This was when his name was still Adam and before he became involved with the wrong political crowd. I hope nobody finds out, not only because he's on the wrong side of history, but because he changed his name to Revolver and that's humiliating for me. -- Tegan


Ganondorf -- Legend of Zelda Series

Image: Supplied

Fuck

He’s powerful, he’s a shapeshifter, he’s probably great at roleplaying in the bedroom. Ganondorf is a dark lord who wants to conquer the world. Boring. Can’t say much for his personality but he probably has a great wine collection. Spicy and fuckable. -- Lauren

Marry

Ignoring all the conquering bullshit, old mate Ganon is, at least in Zelda lore, King of Thieves. I'd be down with anyone who taught me how to pickpocket like a pro. -- Alex

Date

Can I go on a harmless man to man date with Ganondorf? Grab a beer and find out what makes him tick. Maybe talk him into trying another place other than Hyrule to destroy. Surely other places would have a better success rate? -- Matt

Marry

I would have married Ganondorf back when he was a young upstart, hell-bent on conquering the world. I would have admired his tenacity and drive, and that he didn't let a few failures get him down. But after years of supporting his failed pipe dream both fiscally and emotionally, I just couldn't take it anymore.

He never did make time for us or the kids. We never did take that trip to Lake Hylia. There was no room for my dreams. I couldn't be the only one Triforcing our marriage to work.

He now sees the kids at the holidays and I'm probably dating someone in middle management named Tim. -- Tegan



Comments

    I couldn't be the only one Triforcing our marriage to work.

    Perfect.

    I didn't realise till recently that Kerrigan had heels on

    random I know haha

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