A lot of Aussies will be enjoying the Melbourne Cup in various ways today, whether it be through a sausage sandwich, onions fried on the BBQ, office-provided wine and beer, or what have you.
I don’t particularly care for the Melbourne cup, myself. But the day does provide a great opportunity to remember just how bonkers the genre of horse racing games is.
This story originally appeared in November 2016.
Street Fighter Sumo Horse Racing
This was a rhythm game produced by Capcom as a tie-in promotion for the Japan Cup. It’s basically Dance Dance Horse Racing Revolution while a pixelated version of Ryu races against you, a sumo on a horse.
I … I don’t even. Where do you go with that?
As Mark once said: “I have dry humped a piece of plastic in a public setting.”
Nothing I write is going to beat that.
Old Weird Gambling Horse Racing Thing
Wouldn’t be surprised if more and more digital versions of these started to appear in casinos over the next decade. They’re making a big push to align with video games, after all.
You’re riding a horse — and then IT TAKES FLIGHT. What on earth is going on?
Star Stable Online
And once again from the world of weird MMOs: Star Stable Online.
It looks like a crappier version of Alicia Online, but for kids. And then you get videos like this out of it:
Royal Ascot 2
Looks pretty sedentary. Needs more Knuckles beating the snot out of Sonic.
Barbie Horse Adventures: Blue Ribbon Race
A fun “equestrian adventure” for you and Barbie — galloping around the countryside, hay bales, power-ups and rock formations.
What kind of horse racing was Barbie into exactly? That horse needs a lawyer.
Does anything beat this?
Japan World Cup
Words do not do this game justice.