Woohooing In The Sims Is Actually Horrifying

Woohoo is what sims do in The Sims series instead of having sex. But what is it? You will regret asking that question.

In the first Sims game, woohoo didn't exist. Instead, in a later expansion pack, you could place a vibrating bed, have both sims relax on it, and then have them "play" on the bed. Rather than being less raunchy than sex, it is decidedly more gross. Here, listen to these two sims bark at each other:

The Sims 2 is what introduced woohoo to the world. From those games onward, sims would have the option to woohoo in their beds, and some other locations like elevators and hot tubs. The first time a pair of sims has woohoo in a game, this video plays. At one point, one partner squeezes the others' butt and it makes a sound like a squeaky toy. It's so weird:

But what are they doing under the sheets? Well, let me introduce you to my friend, the "move objects" cheat. This cheat allows you to place objects anywhere, and also move sims during build and buy mode. So while these two (I dubbed them Kerry and Cary Kotaku) got ready to get down, I strategically paused the game before they pulled the covers up and swung them around so they'd be at least partially visual.

Well! I'm never doing that again!

Woohoo was largely the same in The Sims 3 as in the previous game. Nevertheless, I wanted to put Cary and Kerry to the test again. The move objects cheat only kind of worked here.

I know from years of playing these games that in some conditions, beds will just glitch out of existence for a second, revealing the contorted forms beneath, but The Sims 3 is very broken and it's hard to repeat the glitch. Lucky for me, if I turned on the move objects cheat, I could also delete the bed while they were woohooing. So I deleted the bed mid coitus, seeing just a brief flash of the terror beneath the sheets before Cary and Kerry disappeared into thin air.

Their bodies have flown apart, and are also horribly contorted.

They returned to the visible world at the end of their woohoo, their bodies mashed together. Sims enjoy this?

For The Sims 4, move objects didn't work at all. I'd delete the bed and Cary and Kerry would just pop up, feet flat on the floor, looking annoyed. If I tried to grab them in build and buy mode, the bed would move with them.

After the release of the Cats and Dogs expansion, The Sims 4 was updated to include a way to make objects tiny. So, after small-ifying their bed, I let Cary and Kerry get to it.

As you can see, Cary and Kerry are in fact laying perfectly still. They have also folded in on themselves -- you might be able to see Cary's bunny slippers clipping through his knees. The bed, however, is still animated. There's a ghost in their sheets that's having sex for them, basically.

Woohoo seems horrible. While our version of sex is also a nightmare, I'm glad I don't have to twist myself into a pretzel to do it.


Comments

    So wait....sex for other people isn't a horrifying mass of moaning Cronenberg monster flesh?

    There's a ghost in their sheets that's having sex for them, basically.

    Welcome to the world of being married with two kids under five ...

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