What Would Your Dumb Intro Be?

I was sitting with Amanda and Tegan on the weekend, and we were watching old Masterchef episodes. It's funny how weird that show used to be, especially the intro sequence for each of the contestants.

Not long after, I found myself in the finals of a tournament with Nintendo's favourite anti-hero, Waluigi. And it got me thinking something really dumb for this week's Off Topic.

Say you're a contestant on a reality show. Or a character in a video game. You're being introduced, you're in the finals. Or maybe you're in a fighting game, about to square off against Ryu/Ken/pick your preferred opponent.

What would your intro be?

Some thoughts we came up with, mostly from our fearless morning editor Amanda:

  • Staring into the camera, dead-eyed, mashing a cupcake into your face. Don't eat it. Just slowly push it further and further into your skull.
  • An Persona 5 All-Out Attack: putting two thumbs up, saying "Everyone has done wrong." If that makes no sense whatsoever, watch this reel of Persona all-out attacks and you'll get the idea:
  • In a fighting game: looking at the ground, fists clenched, nervously shaking, saying "you can do this, you can do this, don't run away, don't run away". (That could almost be a fighting game intro for Shinji Ikari, really.)
  • Also for a fighting game: the camera flips from my opponent, and then I appear, clipping through the floor, sliding forward before teleporting into nothingness.
  • Entering the court for a Mario Tennis Aces final, but swinging the racket back and forth like you're trying to flog someone with it. (That's how I play the game, anyway.)
  • For Masterchef: pressing your face against the window of an oven door, slowly smooshing your lips harder and harder against the glass until the camera switches to someone with more sanity.
  • Roach from Witcher 3, but they enter the battlefield like this:

So, dumb intros. What would yours be?


    Pitch darkness. A soft rumble of kettle drums, slowly getting louder.

    Choral chanting, slowly building, becoming more urgent:

    Sors immanis
    Et inanis
    Sors immanis
    Et inanis

    As the chanting and drums build to a crescendo, a single spotlight illuminates me as I descend from the heavens in costume, one black wing wrapped around me.

    Estuans interius
    Ira vehementi
    Estuans interius
    Ira vehementi

    At the climax, my wing unfurls and I am revealed in all my edgy and dramatic glory!

    For a cooking show: Falls on-screen, dropping an armful of food. Cuts to running around with a tray on fire. Cuts to a pot violently boiling over, spewing the contents all over the stove and bench. Cuts to presenting an immaculate and perfectly cooked meal to the judges.

    For a fighting game: A giant wall of text rapidly scrolls up the screen before all of the words coalesce together into human form. As I'm in the middle of making a random, yet oddly relevant pop culture reference the match starts.

    For a splash intro: Me doing his best to hide his face and be out of frame. Text would read "I hate photographs!"

    The classic, smiling and turn to face the camera, but then immediately turn the mood to disgust and disappointment. As if looking directly into the soul of the viewer, judging them for their poor choices of watching whatever trite TV show this is, rather than doing something more important, something that could directly better themselves or better the greater world.

    Why are you watching this, why are you looking at me for inspiration?
    Stop living through the people on TV.

    Smash cut to someone doing something more stereotypical and friendly, perhaps smiling and laughing while handling whatever equipment is relevant to the show's theme (spatulas, sledgehammer etc., you know the deal).

    I'm still present, in the background of this new shot, in the middle distance, simply shaking my head in disbelief and disappointment that you're still watching this.

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