A Game About Slapping An Arse Gave Me Embarrassing Flashbacks [NSFW]

Story time! I went to an all-girls’ school. My friends and I had that special bond of closeness that apparently comes with synced-up periods and measuring the length of each other’s winter leg hair.

This, obviously, led to a brief era of trying to catch one of the others unawares with the most impressive, most unexpected spank possible. We’re talking sneaking up behind each other in the hallway and laying one down that made the earth shake. If I couldn’t read your palm from the imprint, you weren’t doing a good enough job.

NSFW WARNING: This piece contains many bums. Some are animated GIFs.

In time, this led to the era of being very, very cautious about our bums. Which meant that, one sunny day in the common room, when I saw my friend Alice bending over in front of me, it was like a quick-time event: The world became slow-motion and greyed-out as my splayed hand took a run up.

It wasn’t until afterwards, as I stood proudly in the reverberating spank-sound that rippled into the silence, that I chanced to see Alice across the room, decidedly un-spanked, and saw the innocent spankee stand and turn to reveal that she was a girl that had joined the school only three months before. And, therefore, definitely not Alice.

My genius solution was to immediately face the other way and pretend that I hadn’t just been caught literally red-handed. I felt, and still feel, awful. It might have been an accident, but she didn’t know that. Sometimes I wonder what she must have thought of me, as I lie awake at night reliving my worst decisions.

But good news! I can now relive that horrifying moment of mistaken bumdentity with spank-focused game, Slappy Ass! And I can pay $US3.50 ($5) on itch.io for the pleasure!

Slappy Ass doesn’t mess around. It does exactly what it says on the tin: It’s a screen full of one giant arse, which you can spank. Spanking fills up a heart meter — which pulls double-duty as a butt icon! So clever. When the meter gets full, it gives you a gift, which ranges from new skins and underwear to new toys that you can use on the arse.

In Slappy Ass, the player starts off with the most basic of slappy tools: Their own hand. You can expand your box of toys by filling the spankmeter, which will get you items such as the riding crop, a pair of lips (to kiss the bum), and some rather medieval-torture-like instruments, which can zap the butt while making a guitar noise, or some kind of… pink… portal… thing?

I’m not sure if I’m just not au fait with butt-spanking implements, or if that’s just a fantasy toy. I can’t even tell if it feels nice. It looks a bit like what I imagine breast pumps feel like. At least it keeps the spankmeter going up!

My own hand, seen here playing the rhythm game. What does that have to do with spanking? I don’t know.

It seems as though once the arse is used to being slapped, however, that the meter fills up slower. It feels less like a fun slappy game at this point and more like one of those endless clickers, even if the “clicking” part is slightly more interactive than usual — the disembodied buttcheeks have a pleasantly perky bounce to them, and redden nicely whether you’re spanking, whipping or portal-torturing them.

The butt stuff starts getting a little repetitive after a while, especially with the slow increase in the meter refills, and it can be a little disappointing to spend five minutes on spank-clicking only to get an ambient background for your trouble, or worse, a zombie skin for the butt that makes it look as though you’re into a very specific type of necrophilia.

There are minigames, which range from a dull Guitar Hero-like rhythm game with only one note to a slightly confusing bar-filling game that seems to require you to mash-spank the butt, but it isn’t clear what these are for, exactly, other than breaking up the butt-monotony.

The butt twitches even when you’re not spanking. Or maybe it’s dancing.

Spanking can be a lot of things. It can be fun, painful, entertaining, sexy, punishing, and even so embarrassing that you melt into a puddle of shame. I had not yet realised the potential of spanking as a tedious exercise until I played Slappy Ass, the game that begins as a fun, silly jiggle simulator and slowly develops into a dull clicker with no real reward unless you really love to spank CGI physics-enabled butts in a multitude of colours.

Ah, well. $US3.50 ($5) spent on a couple of hours of spanking that made for some entertaining gifs? At least no butts were hurt in the process. And for what it’s worth, 10 years on, I’m really sorry, [NAME REDACTED].


Comments

    We used to do sack taps back at school and on the footy team, couldn't do that today though... :(

      2001-2005 we did it too in high school.

        Go back a few more years and they were sack whacks as opposed to taps. I was on the receiving end of one in year 6 and grabbed the nearest object I could find (one of those blackboard 1m rulers) and almost took out an eye... I have better control over my temper now

      Because it's fucking horrible.

        It's only horrible if you not involved, that would be assualt, we did it to each other equally as friends and teammates.

        Is it fucking horible that the author of the article used to slap her friends asses.

    One night a drunken dickhead climbed a four foot retaining wall just to piss on the tree in the centre of our front yard. We...kinda, um...sack-wacked him. With a paintball gun. Definitely a Kodak moment! Anyhoo. As for this game tho, it's such a pity that the charm wears off due to an arseload dull game/leveling mechanics. I guess that a lot of work on the back-end of the game will need to be added in later patches to stop this cute lil app just being the butt of some lame jokes and puns. Yes, I admit those were some shitty puns. I wish I could honestly say I'm sorry for being such an ass!

      If you look this up you'll probably find the story, thus revealing my family and possibly my IRL deets, but here we go: Once my little brother was at the family house alone playing some AoE2 online with yours truly (I was interstate) and some dude climbed the gate to piss into the yard from an entertaining height. Unfortunately, the gate was right next to my little brother's room and my bro leaned through the window over his PC rig and instinctively sack-whacked the dude before he could get his junk out.
      The guy, in shock fell off the gate, landed on his head and died instantly. I shit you not.

        that escalated quickly!

          Turned out the guy was drug addled and also evading arrest so nothing big happened. We still tease him for effectively killing a dude. He reckons he only thinks of it when people remind him.

            Seems like a pretty awful thing to remind him of to be honest though.

              It's contextually different amongst brothers. We're close in a way that allows for dark humour to be relevant and still empathetic. As much as people choose to get offended by their stuff being made of light of (and offended is only, TBH, a narcissistic injury), being able to turn it into humour demonstrates an understanding of the content. By creating a joke out of it, you are showing you get the weight of the situation (inappropriate jokes are great for embellishment and do have their place in society).

        OMFG! Nah I don't need to verify you, good sir. True or not, that entertained and also delivered the entire range of emotions available in one go. On one hand, I feel for your bro. Accident or no, that experience is permanently imprinted on a corner of his mind forever. Unfortunately I know that feeling too well (please don't ask, there's no interesting story involved. Just a classic case of failures all round). On the other hand, that's a badass story man, I actually feel humbled that you'd share that with us.

          Hahaha. All good, man. It was worth sharing as we are reasonably certain it was the most fatal sack whack in history. My brother is quite autistic (don't worry, he's comfortable and functional with it), so he didn't get traumatised by the situation. Like at all from what we could see. He just locked all of the doors and windows and called mum why I called the cops for him. I woulda been a mess. It was even hard for me to listen to it play out over Vent.

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