I’ve been playing a lot of The Sims 4 recently. There was a huge sale on Origin, so I bought about 75 per cent of the expansions and various other DLC, and though I started fairly tamely (I made myself! And then my housemate!) it didn’t take long until I was double-fisting mods and cheats into my hungry mouth.
NSFW Warning: This story contains cartoonish nudity and sex scenes.
One of those mods was Wicked Whims, which I found through Kotaku (thanks, Gita!). Wicked Whims is a mod, or more accurately, a bunch of mods made by many, many different creators, that adds sex to the game. Now, The Sims technically has sex.
It just calls it “Woohoo” and hides it under bedcovers and behind pixelated rectangles. But I am no child, Electronic Arts, and neither are the numerous animators and modders that work on Wicked Whims, adding new sex locations and deeds each month.
You want to have sex on a piano? Or give your boyfriend a blowjob on the toilet? Maybe you just want to go at it on the floor, like the animals you are?
Wicked Whims has you covered, although, as Gita’s piece points out, it does mean your sims will fuck everywhere, autonomously, with almost anyone.
My latest Sims file is an experiment. I created a sim and let the game spit out a randomly-generated name: Riley Perrin. Her goal in life was to be a famous actress, but she had another, undocumented goal: she was a swinger.
As far as I can tell, this isn’t something you can actually tell your sims to be—you just have to open the right doors for them, and a bunch of strangers.
In one of the official expansion packs, Get Together, your sims can start clubs. Running a club allows you to summon all the club members to your house, and give them certain conditions and activities that make the club what it is.
Rather uninventively, I called Riley’s club “Sex Club,” with the catchy tagline: “The first rule of Sex Club is ... have sex.”
I made sure that the only people who could join were adults, that the dress code was “none” (as in, none clothes, not none dress code) and added the extra condition that all members must be at least three-star celebrities, because I figured I could get a nice head start on Riley being an actress by only letting her fuck the famous.
And then, I watched. I watched as Riley and friends banged on every available surface. I watched as they double-teamed her on the bed, the sofa, the floor.
I watched as Riley shoved dick after dick into her animation-deformed mouth, going from anal to vaginal without any aftercare or cleaning, flicking through positions like the Kama Sutra on shuffle.
Then I realised that setting the pregnancy likelihood to 50 per cent did not just apply to the “Try for Baby” action, but to all vaginal penetration.
All three women in Sex Club went home from the first meeting fertilised, all by the same man: pink-haired, teal-bespectacled, unwitting sperm donor Izzy Fabulous. From there on, it was a bit of a clusterfuck, both literally and figuratively.
Riley ended up with three children, thanks to Sex Club, all from different fathers. Occasionally, the kids get phone calls from their estranged dads, wishing them happy birthday, or asking to hang out. I always say no. It’s a bit weird.
Riley stopped having Sex Club hangouts after her first child walked in on a gangbang, and now she works as an actress with no side-gigs except for raising three kids.
That hasn’t stopped sex from creeping back into her life, of course. During her workday, she has often been unable to get into costume or makeup because the person responsible is bent over a coffee table. Everyone is always pregnant. People keep reacting to her weirdly, and then I find out it’s because she has semen on her face.
Now her eldest, Jake, is a teenager. Much like most teens, he’s obsessed with having lots of autonomous sex in the most inappropriate of places, like the living room.
He impregnated his first girlfriend on their first sexual encounter, and to complicate things further, she’s the half-sister of his step-dad’s son’s child. So, it’s weird, but not incest. I think?
Sadly, Riley Perrin is dead now. She spent the final few years of her life being unable to attend Sex Club meetings, because one of the conditions that she set was “no old people.”
Her children are not famous enough to join, which means they’re also unable to change the conditions, so now Sex Club belongs to people outside of the Perrin family. Riley’s only lasting legacy to her descendants was a whole bunch of half-siblings, a handful of used sex toys, and a gigantic, sprawling fuck-palace to live in.