I’ve met some real characters during my time playing Rage 2. And by characters, I mean glorified quest dispensers. There’s old guy, cool lady and of course — who could forget? — third main story person. These folks get functional speaking parts, but I honestly can’t remember a word they’ve said. They’re bland potato people in a perfunctory post-apocalyptic stew.
But some of Rage 2‘s characters deserve better. I speak, of course, of all the otherwise faceless NPCs with in-friggin’-credible names.
Rage 2 — a game I’m enjoying because The Guns Feel Good, and sometimes that’s all you need — feels as though it could’ve been the bizarro garage punk noise solo its trailers tried to portray it as, but then its mum came in and told it to turn down that awful racket. So now it has a standard-issue video game setting, but all the ladders are pink, because screw you, mum.
There are, however, sprinkles of legitimate strangeness throughout the game in the form of characters with names that beautifully straddle the line between trying too hard and not trying even a single bit. These, dear reader, are their names (that I didn’t make up) and their stories (that I did make up).
A retired MMA fighter who earned his nickname by being wholly unable to bruise or armbar anybody and having very mean friends.
“Name’s Annie,” she tells people she meets through her job as a security guard outside a very exclusive club. “Annie Hilator,” she adds with a sly grin. “Get it?” No one’s ever gotten it.
The coolest person in the whole wasteland. In his mind.
By day: The quietest guy at the accounting firm. By night: Definitely does porn.
Ryan Cockaim’s partner. Not in porn, surprisingly, but very supportive of all his lover’s pursuits. Doesn’t believe in “the institution of marriage”, but would still kind of like it if Ryan proposed.
Every time anyone’s asked him how his day is going, he’s replied, “Bad.”
Actually a staunch conservationist, trying to bring plants and wildlife back to this smoking crater of a world. He swears he saw a duck once, to the point that it’s the only story he tells at parties. People laugh at him for this, and he suffers from pretty bad depression.
She is THE LAW.
Younger brother of Bruce, older brother of Brucest.
Probably one of the top 10 worst Berthas, but surprisingly not that bad as far as people go, in general.
SWEARS the wasteland was named after her and not the other way around. Might be right?
Can only say his own name. Is the life of every party.
The final Twitter user. Named by his mother, who was the final Twitter user before him. She passed away many years ago, but remains his only follower. It’s all very tragic, actually.
The real main character of Rage 2. You’re just a supporting character in their story. Sorry to break it to you this way. If you need someone to help you process this, just hit me up. I’m happy to help. You know I care about you.
DognBone von Carrotcake
Like I’d sully a name this good with some pithy made-up story.
Right hand man of DognBone von Carrotcake. Knows very little about about them. Loves them with all his heart. Spends all day on the internet re-posting #relatablecontent.
I don’t know. Some loser, probably.