When Life Gets You Down, Load Up The Sims 4 And Open A Semen Café [NSFW]

There’s a lot of potential in the mod scene that surrounds The Sims 4. You can tell your Sims not to wash their dishes next to the toilet, give them outfits that don’t suck like the base games ones do, or just make them get naked and have orgies. This week... I tried something a little different.

CONTENT WARNING: Usually, these pieces are labelled Not Safe For Work (NSFW). This is still true, but today, I have another warning for you: This piece is Not Safe For Anyone Drinking Liquids, Eating Oatmeal Or Consuming Any Other Viscous Slash Chunky Liquid (NSFADLEOOCAOVSCL). You’ll soon see why.

I’ve been watching a lot of Twin Peaks lately. I hadn’t seen it before but, as with most pop culture behemoths, I’d seen the references in The Simpsons so I figured I knew enough.

I was expecting a surreal murder mystery with backwards-talking and bold patterns; what I found instead was a campy, delightfully weird murder mystery that forgets it’s a murder mystery in favour of long, languid shots of rivers and women screaming.

Also, everyone really likes coffee.

I don’t like coffee. I’m British, so I was born with tea running through my veins, which is part of the reason the British are so darn angry all the time, since tea isn’t great for carrying oxygen around the body. But I can appreciate loving a hot, steamy, comforting liquid, served to you at a time of great need.

So I fired up The Sims 4 and opened up a Cum Café.

Listen, I can’t explain it to you any better than that — it’s a café that exclusively serves semen and semen-related products. I’m sorry. I thought it would make a good Kotaku feature, but instead I’m just deeply ashamed of myself and my actions.

Just kidding! I’m not.

Here’s how it all began. It was not entirely my idea. I downloaded a mod called “Nisa’s Wicked Perversions”. I don’t know much about Nisa, but I do know that Nisa saw fit to include an item called the “Cup O’ Cum”, a name so grossly reminiscent of the kind of instant-just-add-water soup that you get on camping holidays that I threw up in my mouth, nostalgically.

Just then, like any freelancing individual with a looming deadline, I thought to myself: How can I turn this into work? The answer was obvious. I opened a Cum Café.

It’s a café that sells cups of cum, freshly milked from willing participants in the creepy, dingy downstairs sex basement. It’s artisanal cum. Farm-fresh nut milk. The ultimate crema.

Hipsters want something new, something exciting; the next kombucha. Kumbucha. So, I’ll give it to them. Oh, I’ll give it to them.

(Don’t tell me this is that much worse than a cereal café. Other than the sex dungeon. That part’s kinda weird. But can you say for sure that your favourite café doesn’t have a sex dungeon?)

As you might imagine, I had quite a few potential names for the Cum Café, since it isn’t actually called “The Cum Café” — I have pride in my work, you know — and the shortlist is as follows:

  • Spunkin’ Doughnuts
  • Cup O’ Joe (Joe being today’s donor)
  • Jamba Jizz
  • Buster Nutt’s (run by the eponymous Buster Nutt)
  • Skeet’s
  • Milk Bar (potential for lawsuits)
  • Spunky Brew-ster’s
  • Jism Hortons

In the end, at my partner’s suggestion, we named the café “Cum Hither”: A quaint little nook, decorated solely in white (gotta stay on brand) and run by a lady named Milk Maid, who was as white as the beverages she served.

Milk Maid hired one employee (handily, a vampire, so he was both suitably pale and unlikely to sample the supply) and set the uniform to be white knee-high leather boots, white fishnets, and white boxer briefs.

Also, adding to the completely unsexy nightmare of the café I had created, a bunch of my custom content outfits had gone missing, or become corrupted. This meant that a lot of Sims — and I mean a lot — were wandering around town with their baps out, seemingly unaware and unbothered by the cool breeze on their nips.

I know I opted into a lot of the sexual weirdness of these mods when I opened up a semen hotspot, but there are children around, so I did at least attempt to remedy the Sims’ sudden love of public indecency.

It didn’t work, so my solution was to just stand by the door and usher all the children out. Luckily, children have no money, so none of them actually made a purchase.

Sadly, Cum Hither is not a successful business. Despite the café being consistently packed with curious customer potentials, not many people are actually buying the goods. So far, I’ve lost $3000. Can’t think why. It’s probably the location.


Comments

    "Quality Journalism"

      Like this article is both funny and so out of left field for Kotaku.

        Not at all out of left field. check this particular authors track record. pretty much every article for months is some wierd NSFW sex thing. It's downright bizzare but, hardly new.

    Now you've got me wondering if this is even possible... Profitable, yes, because god only knows the world has a higher demand of spunk than say cheap petrol or electricity...

    I'm looking at my teacup thinking, "That's a lot of volume in there", and I don't think the ballsack recreates farm-fresh nut milk fast enough to supply a café... I asked my cousin, and she says her café goes through 18 litres of milk a day, see the dilemma?

    I mean, don't let me get your hopes down, I say follow your dreams, take this idea to the top, like that shark tank show, you've got this *thumbs up*

      At one point in time, sugar was valued as much as gold, of not more. It wasnt the only thing valued so high. Saffron, tea, pepper, and plenty of other things have been highly valued beyond reasonable expectations.

      Point is, the world values things in strange ways. It doesnt need to be rare, just so desirable its demand outweighs its supply. Not sure thats exactly the case with this, but its potentially possible in the right cirCUMstances. Theres my one cum joke.

      But its a sci fi staple to consider a world where there is less of one sex or the other, and yes, its possible because of the genetic differences between males and females. Not likely (mostly because any scenario where it happens probably decimates humans in general IMO), but possible.

        Don't forget there was an actual war over guano. One of the more odd ones for the list.

      Well, the business plan with real potential here is opening a sex dungeon to supply the cream in the first place. You could have these people pay you when they provide the goods and then sell it back to them in their coffee cup heading out the door.

      Well there was that bar that did horse semen shots. I’d say it’s possible... if you’re willing to open up the umbrella of cum. The cumbrella if you will.

    Hilarious! This is the kind of articles I like to see.

    *sips*
    Hmm, I think the barista accidentally used salt instead of sugar.
    *sips*
    Yeah, definetly not sugar and I think the milk is off, it's sorta congealed and floating to the top.
    (Great, now my own sick sense of humour is making me dread my cuppa tomorrow morning)

    Stay classy, Kate! This stuff is worth it for the reactions alone.

    This was definitely one of the better reads for me this morning, i sent this straight to my very sheltered friend to read too

    Kotaku: Offending people is bad, em'kay.

    Also Kotaku: Sims 4 Sex Mods.

    Like, come on. :P

      This authors history is well... just check Kate's actual articles and you'll get it.

        I think Kate Grey is just a pen name used by a grotty little man.

    Saw the headline on Facebook, thought “Kate Grey?”

    Kate Grey.

      Yeah, why would anyone even... "like any freelancing individual with a looming deadline, I thought to myself: How can I turn this into work?"Oh. There it is.

    Just wondering if you're meant to spit or swallow the drinks...

      I imagine it’s like wine: if you’re doing a tasting then they’ll have the little spit buckets. If you’ve found your favourite beverage then you’ll want to be swallowing.

        .

        Last edited 30/06/19 2:07 pm

          I know this was probably a rogue reply, but it’s funnier to think it’s you being speechless

        OK, now the image of that is going to haunt me for days...

        Stay classy

    Kotaku I've made a few jokes in relation to this article, but is that really a fucking child in one of those pics about a 'cum cafe'? Honestly? What the actual fuck...

      Sure as hell looks like it, why the fuck...?

        It's even commented on in the article. literally talking about how children not having money being a good thing, so they can't buy the product.

          This blows my mind. Wether or not it's real, it doesn't matter. They've dropped the ball in a big way here. I get the Aussie editors don't get much of a say in what the yanks post, but bloody hell...

    Hey Kate. can ya tone these articles down. it's like every article with you is sex related. come on, this is supposed to be a games journalist site. It's not supposed to be a walk through of all your kinks and fetishes.

      To be fair, the title tells you what to expect: “... Open A Semen Café [NSFW]”.

      If you click through and read after seeing that, then that’s all on you. You can’t say you were lured here unaware.

        Yeah but, these titles keep coming up in the general feed. Clearly I can't look at kotaku on a work break.

          There's only a few of these pieces every week - like, literally two or three. You shouldn't have too many issues scrubbing through the general feed.

            I dont mind most of her articles. In fact i enjoy a lot of them.

            Its just this one was a little too much for me as a straight dude.

            Not that im blaming you or kotaku. Its my own damn fault for clicking on it lol.

    Read this article with my wife looking over my shoulder in bewilderment. Much appreciated. Keep 'em cumming.
    Sometimes I wonder if Kate is a kind of double-agent, solely here to go against Kotaku's overly-sensitive grain. And then I think, "Gee, I hope so."

    Kotaku commenters: Games aren't just for children, Kotaku never writes long articles anymore
    Kate Gray: Hold my cup o' semen.
    Kotaku commenters: *pikachu face*

    i love Kate's articles just for the comments they attract alone

    Keep it up, Kate! These articles are great and the comments are even better!

    About the kid.... they can't buy it and you can somewhat kick them out, yeah? No problem then, in my opinion. Sounds like a normal 18+ bar. Albeit one of semen, not alcohol, haha.

    I like these articles; humorous, random, same kind of like-mindedness as myself. That's probably not a good thing but anyway xD

    Can't please everyone, but that's okay. Just do your thing :)

    I mean to be fair, as a skyrim modder that frequents loverslab mods a cafe that serves cum doesnt even phase me as a mod thing

    Skyrim has a mod for a breast milk economy using sex slaves, cups O cum is vanilla in my mind

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