Not to sound like the guy who sold you weed in high school, but do you like to smoke and play games? So do I. It’s a good way to unwind when, say, you’ve had a stressful day and can’t read your favourite sports blog because it’s been destroyed from the inside out. Here’s some extremely helpful advice based on dozens of hours of research on what games you should avoid if you’re high.
Thumper
I have made this mistake so many times. Thumper is a rhythm game that requires intense concentration, and the music whips in every way conceivable. Most of the time, it’s an exhilarating experience, both challenging and rewarding, packaged in a violent, neon-soaked race track. No joke, playing it kinda feels like doing a murder, while also being killed, while also having sex. It seems like a good bet if you’re already stoned. No, it is not. The visuals in Thumper are disconcerting enough when you’re sober. If you’re high, it’s a thousand times worse. You’ll feel like you’re being sucked into a vortex of pure, unfiltered evil, too horrified by the chrome-slicked insect you control to avoid obstacles. Don’t do it.
The Sims
Maybe you’re one of those players that just wants to put a bunch of Sims in a pool and wall them in until they drown. If so, skip this one—that’s just as fun to do while high as sober. If you want your Sims to have pleasant little lives and make happy little babies, do not pick this game up after a joint or two. Putting a roof on a house is hard enough when you can concentrate on the task without getting distracted by snacks. Doing that while trying to wrangle toddlers, make sure the pets are fed, get a gaggle of teenagers to do homework, and convince some hapless Sims to WooHoo is a gordian knot of frustration.
Pokémon
Most of Pokémon will be perfectly fine while stoned, and it actually makes grinding a little more interesting. The issue is what happens when your mind starts to wander. Have you ever thought about type match ups, man? Have you ever thought about how most of them don’t make any fucking sense? Why are Flying-type Pokémon weak against Rock Types? Why are they weak against Electric? I see birds sit on electric wires all day long, no problem! Underneath every part of commonly accepted Pokémon lore is a myriad of questions that have never and will never be explained, tempting a stoned person into the unending misery of their thoughts. Hell, series producer Junichi Masuda doesn’t even know if people eat Pokémon, and he makes the damn games. Don’t think about these games too hard—it’ll just never end.
Dwarf Fortress
This is less about the game being incomprehensible; playing Dwarf Fortress high is just a time suck. Honestly, Dwarf Fortress makes more sense while high. I’m too busy creating mental backstories for my dwarves and their civilisation and getting my industries off the ground efficiently to get frustrated at the obtuse nested menus. The issue is that this game will devour your time.
It’s really easy to get so into it that you lose track of what you’re doing and suddenly it’s tomorrow. Trust me—I have done this. When you’re smacked and excitable, planning out how you’ll expand your military, get into textiles or wax crafts, and explore cavern layers can easily distract you from more necessary activities like sleeping. If you’re going to pack a bowl and settle in for a session of Dwarf Fortress, set an alarm. Otherwise the game turns into a time machine.
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