Actually, Animal Crossing: New Horizons Is A Hellscape

Actually, Animal Crossing: New Horizons Is A Hellscape
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Animal Crossing is all about picking fruit, planting trees and decorating your own island, and so you collect a lot of bugs. Lots and lots of bugs. This used to be a perfectly wholesome exercise, but in the upcoming Animal Crossing: New Horizons, the island is overrun with absolute horrors.

Like many, I’m looking forward to Animal Crossing: New Horizons. The franchise is sweet, wholesome, and the perfect cure for those looking for a small slice of zen in their life. But this zen is already being threatened by the brand new appearances of crispy, slimy, hideously wrinkled bugs.

What is that! On the surface level, I can tell you that’s a horned dynastid, and it can be caught in the game’s summer months, but on every other level my body is telling me to run. To get away from this hideously deformed creature, and never come back. Animal Crossing is supposed to be zen time, but I know my hours will be filled with the fear of this ghastly being.

Video game graphics have come a long, long way in the eight years since Animal Crossing‘s last, mainstream title, and in many ways, I wish they hadn’t. There’s something far less intimidating about graphics that look like this:

animal crossing new leaf bugs

… when comparing them to the unholy nightmare that is Animal Crossing: New Horizon‘s grossly accurate and deeply scarring beetle. You can even see the folds of its crackly little skin!

The worst part is that the horned dynastid is one of Animal Crossing‘s least terrifying creatures. That glorious honour is split between the soul-destroying tarantula, and the equally crushing scorpion.

Here they are in Animal Crossing: New Leaf.

animal crossing new leaf bugs

The only way to catch either of these monstrosities is for them to dart out and attack you first. Put it this way: you’re enjoying your summer, there’s a light breeze, maybe you’re going for a nice walk in a garden — when all of a sudden, one of these bad boys jumps you. If you’re quick enough, you can catch it in your net and add it to your bug collection. If not, you pass out and someone has to carry you back to your house.

Now imagine that same scenario, where everything is the same, but that tarantula has flexing, quivering hairs playing down its decrepit, ever-crawling legs. Imagine a scorpion that has slimy, twisting limbs skittering behind it as it approaches. Imagine you can see your reflection in every one of that spider’s eight, gleaming eyes. Imagine the awful, tittering sounds as they leap from the shadows to strike at you.

This is the future that awaits in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. There can be no peace when I know these soulless things are waiting for me in the dark. I will not eat. I will not sleep. I will only know fear.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons will break me.

Inject Wholesome Animal Crossing: New Horizons Gameplay Directly Into My Body

After a long day at the work factory, I like to wind down with some feel-good content. While I've had to wait an extra few months for new Animal Crossing: New Horizons to hurry the hell up and get released, Nintendo Direct has delivered me just enough wholesome content to tide me over until March 2020.

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  • The bugs are fine, it’s the excessively happy and cheerful little deformed humans that tell me that we can’t stop here. They’re entirely reminiscent of that moment in movies where after a cheerful and happy introduction they all suddenly stop and assume deadpan expressions, their once lively eyes now dead and expressionless. With a slow hiss that becomes a soul shriveling screech they all dart towards you, their heads splitting open to reveal fanged and betentacled horrors reaching for you as your sanity breaks and eternal torment awaits.

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