Zombie Army 4 is a great, gory co-op shooter. The story is simple and ridiculous, and so was my mission: a quest to enact the perfect, slow-motion testicle shot.
Skirting around the usual grim-and-gritty, washed out, post-apocalyptic wastelands, Zombie Army 4 takes players on a journey through vivid, colourful landscapes including all the sights and sounds of zombie-ridden Europe. There are locations that are genuinely beautiful, even buried beneath the grit and gore of undead flesh. Colours pop, and there’s always something new to discover (even when that ‘something’ is a possessed, laughing doll that makes your skin crawl).
Above it all — above the slick and easy combat, beautiful worlds and ridiculous, fun story — what enjoyed and frustrated me most about Zombie Army 4 was my quest. Not for fame, fortune or glory. Not to see how many zombies I could stomp to death, and not to see if I could finally end the reign of zombie sorcerer Hitler.
Not content with getting a testicle shot, Hector has elected to go for an explosive finish too. That's just showing off.
— Zombie Army 4: Dead War (@zombiearmy) January 3, 2020
Check that shit out — a perfect, clean-cut nut shot that just completely obliterates zombie testicles. It was fantastic, it was glorious — I had to do it for myself. And so began my noble quest to shatter some Nazi zombie nuts.
Chapter One: Humble Beginnings
My quest started off innocuously enough. It began in Milan, where I was first set upon by the zombie hordes. At first, I thought, “Yes, let’s play this game like a regular human being, I am very normal.” And then, within the first five minutes I was moving straight from firing headshots to crotchshots and shooting my shot for the perfect testicular destroyer.
It was hard, and I may have briefly consulted with an image of the human anatomy to locate where exactly I was supposed to be firing — but after the first dozen tries or so, I got one. The perfect testicle shot! This was it, my time to shine! And the camera refused to give me my coveted ultra-slo-mo zoom as a reward.
Much like the Sniper Elite games, from which the Zombie Army franchise is a spin-off, perfect shots are occasionally rewarded with a dramatic slow motion zoom as the bullet is fired, followed by a bone-shattering, organ-smashing x-ray close-up of the damage.
Zombie Army 4 refused to show me the forbidden fruit. And in my confidence that I could make the shot, I died nearly a half-dozen times. So, I went back to the drawing board.
Chapter Two: Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.
After a bit of needling, I found out there was a toggle in the menu to increase the frequency of slow motion action shots. “Huzzah,” I thought. My time had come. And after I turned the setting all the way up, slow motion shots were flying left, right and centre. Here’s a few good ones I got off to the spine and upper leg. Good, gory stuff.
The canals of Venice were soon split in half by my sniping prowess, but the perfect nut shot stayed firmly out of my reach. I hit every other organ in sight, kicking off a splatterfest of gore and splashing organs. I even got a few more testicle shots in for good measure, but none of them were well-placed enough to kick-off the legendary slow-mo.
Finally, I gave myself an ultimatum: I’d get the ultimate shot, or I’d go down trying. With reams of zombies being funnelled into the corner of the Venice lane I’d holed up in, I steadied myself. This was it. My time to shine. A zombie had entered my field of vision.
I aimed the shot, lined it right in the path of the leering zombie’s testicles and fired. The world stood still. Slow motion kicked in. “Finally!” I thought. “I’ve done it!”
And the camera went through a wall as the bullet landed, completely obscuring my view.
The perfect nut shot, wasted. I hung my controller in shame.
When I finally put a sad stopper in my desperate quest for the perfect zombie nut shot, I was exhausted. I’d fought my way past moaning zombie hoards, endured the brief thrill of victory, and the shattering silence of defeat. I’d spent more than seven hours solely attempting to shoot zombies in the dick. Seven long, wonderful hours.
And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I’ve only scratched the surface of what Zombie Army 4 has to offer, but oh, how I’m looking forward to the bloody future ahead. Mark my words, I’ll shoot zombie Hitler in the balls, or I’ll die trying.