“Let me have your attention for a moment. I wanna talk about something important. Put that lily-of-the-valley down. Lilies-of-the-valley are for checkers only. Do you think I’m Flip-ping with you? I am not Flip-ping with you. I’m here from Nook Inc.I’m here from Timmy and Tommy. And I’m here on a mission of mercy.
“You call yourself a turnip salesman, you son of a Blathers? … You certainly don’t pal. ‘Cause the good news is you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, just one week to make a profit, starting tonight.
“Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this week’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Grand Piano. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of flimsy tools. Third prize is your turnips rot. You get the picture? You’re laughing now? You got turnips. Daisy Mae paid good money to get turnips to sell them. You can’t sell the turnips you’re given, you can’t sell Shep, you are Shep, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause your turnips will rot.
“A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-Checking. Always be checking!
‘“N-I-P-S. ‘Nips, Invested, Prices, Sell. ‘Nips; do you have turnips? Invested; how much have you invested? I hope it’s a lot because it’s sell or rot. You sell or you hit the bricks. Prices; have you checked Reddit for prices for Christ? And Sell. ‘N-I-P-S; get out there. You got the tools to use; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Tools sitting out there waiting to help you make bells! Are you gonna use them? Are you Nook enough to take it?
“You! Punchy.
“You see this Statue of Liberty? That statue cost more than your house. I made 2.3 million bells today. How much did you make? You see, pal, that’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice villager? I don’t give a Shep. Good gardener? Flip you, go home and play with your flowers. You wanna make bells? Check! You think this is hard? You think this is hard, you nooksucker? You can’t take this. You don’t like it, leave. I can go out there tonight with the ‘nips you got, make myself 2.3 million bells. Tonight. Can you? Go and do likewise.
“T-I-P-S. Get mad you sons of Blathers. Get mad. You know what it takes to sell turnips? It takes gold nuggets to sell turnips. Go and do likewise, villagers. The bells are out there, you pick them up, they’re yours. You don’t, I have no sympathy for you. Bunch of losers sitting around Resident Services. “Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman, it’s a tough racket.” These are the new turnips. These are the Daisy Mae turnips. And to you, they’re gold nuggets. And you shouldn’t get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for checkers. I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. And to answer your question, pal, why am I here? I came here because Timmy and Tommy asked me to, they asked me for a favour. I said, the real favour, follow my advice and fire your Flip-ping arse because a loser is a loser.”
— leaked excerpt from Glengarry Glen Nook (2022, HBO)
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