You might have already heard, but that new Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 remake is really good. I’ve been playing it a lot and recently unlocked that strange final level in the first game. You know, the one set in a secret military base that has aliens and UFOs in it.
The original Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater isn’t as wild as later games, with a few exceptions. Like this Roswell military base level, which I’ve always referred to as the Area 51 level because it’s a secret military base with aliens in the desert. What does that sound like to you? But I’m getting off track. Here are some questions I have.
1) Why set this level in Roswell?
If you are making a level themed around a military base that contains a UFO and a living alien, wouldn’t it make sense to call that level Area 51? But that’s not the case, so instead, we get a level that seems a lot like Area 51 but is actually not in Nevada, but Roswell, New Mexico. True, a UFO did crash there, but…
2) Is there even a military base like this in Roswell?
No. There was an Air Force base near Roswell from the ‘40s up until it closed in 1967. This level can’t be set at that base though. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater was released in 1999, over 25 years after the base had closed. However, in the level, we see helicopters and hear what appears to be active operations at the base. So this is a still open and functioning military base. Perhaps a secret base we don’t know about?
3) Why a military base?
This is more a question for Tony Hawk and the developers behind the original game, but why set a level here? The rest of the levels in the original game are fairly grounded, mostly set in real cities or skateparks. Then you get to the end and you are skateboarding inside a military base. What kind of connections does Tony Hawk have?
4) Who agreed to hold a skateboarding tournament here?
There are some REALLY good reasons why the military and US government would say no to a skateboard tournament here, and we’ll get to those later. But just in general, what’s the point of this all? Maybe this is like a way for the military to recruit teens? Like how the modern-day Army is streaming games on Twitch. As weird it is to hold a tourney here it’s not nearly as weird as another fact.
5) Who built this base like a skatepark?
I won’t suggest I know anything about designing or building military bases, but this one does seem…odd. I mean, there are more quarter pipes, rails, and ramps here than at most skateparks. I can’t imagine working here and having to jump from box to box, balancing across waxed rails just to get to my lab or office.
6) Who forgot to lock the doors?
Maybe this is a giant PR stunt to get teens to join the Air Force or whatever. And maybe it makes sense to hold it here because the base is, oddly, perfect for skating. I can accept all that. But who the hell forgot to lock the place up? This is a military base that houses a live alien being, a hover tank, and an actual UFO and all of this is just accessible to any random Tony or Bucky who gets close to the automatic doors. The games at Walmart are harder to get access to then this stuff.
7) Also, who scheduled the alien autopsy the same day as the tournament?
Even if the random private who was supposed to lock the doors to the alien room did his job, it still seems like a bad idea to schedule the alien autopsy on the same day as the big skate tournament. Does the Army not have a shared Google Calendar where they can avoid these mixups?
8) Why is this alien behind glass in an easily accessible hallway?
So this base has a captured alien and they plan on doing an autopsy of it behind a clear glass in a room directly attached to a hallway that seems to be open to anyone. And not even a soundproof hallway. You can hear the alien talking and screaming when you skate by it and…wait…
9) Wait?? That alien is still alive. Is this a vivisection?
Fuck. I understand that the US military ain’t perfect, but this seems unnecessarily cruel. This alien is clearly able to speak and think and feel pain. However, the arsehole in charge of this base has decided to tie it down to a table and cut it open while it is still alive and conscious. And all of this behind a thin glass wall.
10) What else is Tony Hawk hiding?
Does he know some people who have a captured Bigfoot or a caged Loch Ness Monster? Does he enjoy riding by these things as he does sick heelflips? Disgusting.
11) Also, how does the alien know how to skateboard?
Eventually, you do unlock the alien as a skater and weirdly, it knows how to skate. Maybe they ride skateboards on its home planet? Or it learned how to skate by watching people ride around outside its vivisection room? Impressive. I have one last question:
12) Does the alien push mongo?
I bet it does. Poser.
Yes, I know I’m overthinking this a lot. OR AM I? Perhaps the man is trying to distract you all from the truth: That Tony Hawk is an agent of the deep state whose goal it is to spread misinformation about the US’s knowledge of aliens and wh-
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