It is once again almost that time: Tomorrow, the scary day will be upon us. In light of that, we did not talk about horror games/movies on this week’s episode of Splitscreen — that would be too obvious. Instead, we made our own. (Also, we talked about things in non-horror games that terrify us and a bunch of other good stuff.)
On this episode, we begin with some light chit-chat about costumes, which gives me an excuse to remind you all that no matter how lacklustre or disappointing pandemic-stricken Halloween this year will be, at least it will prevent me from blighting the world with this costume again:
I am prepared to move at excessive speeds pic.twitter.com/vLVjHg0urz
— Nathan Grayson (@Vahn16) October 27, 2019
After we narrowly survive that part of the discussion, we move on to our video game fears and phobias (Ash gets grossed out by clusters of small holes, Fahey hates spiders, and I was traumatized as a child by mech action game Zone of the Enders 2) before arriving at our centrepiece: our own custom horror movie scenario, but with randomly selected video game characters in starring roles. The cinematic masterstroke we came up with will likely go on to be the next Wreck-It Ralph (but with unconscionable amounts of violence), so look forward to being able to say you knew us back when we were just podcasters. Finally, we talk about video game Halloween events, which almost every game on planet earth includes these days, but… do they really need to?
Get the MP3 here, and check out an excerpt below.
[We enter a series of characters from a Guinness list into a random generator and let it pick six for us. They are: Eddie Riggs from Brutal Legend, Zelda from The Legend of Zelda, Marcus Fenix from Gears of War, Crash Bandicoot from Crash Bandicoot, Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII, and Sam Fisher from Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell. At this point, we’ve decided that Cloud will be first to die, Sam Fisher will be the overly confident/competent one who dies most tragically, and Eddie Riggs and Crash Bandicoot will die while having sex because they give off weirdly similar energy (and Gordon Freeman will cameo in that scene, for some reason). That leaves us with just two.]
Fahey: So we still need to figure out the survivor and the killer, and that leaves Zelda and Marcus Fenix.
Ash: Zelda’s the killer.
Fahey: Oh no, oh god.
Nathan: I can see how this would work: Zelda can turn into Sheik. So people are like ‘Who’s that killer? We don’t know them. They’re unrecognizable.’
Ash: You would want to think she’s the final girl.
Nathan: That’s the twist! Because she can be Sheik and Zelda, she’s the final girl and the killer.
Fahey: I would watch this movie!
Nathan: We just came up with a dynamite movie. Hollywood, call us. We’re not going to call you.
Ash: This is a great movie. Somebody fire up Garry’s Mod. We could make this movie.
Fahey: This movie has a twist. It has a hero who is also, oh my god, the killer. And it has Gordon Freeman, Eddie Riggs, and Crash Bandicoot having just a vicious, messy threesome on the floor. It’s disgusting. There’s peanut butter. Why is there peanut butter?
Ash: Technically it just means, by process of elimination, Marcus Fenix is the survivor. Makes sense.
Nathan: In my headcanon about the movie we just made, the only survivor is Zelda, because Zelda/Sheik. So Marcus Fenix just also dies, in part because I think he’s fine, but I don’t see him as that compelling of a horror movie protagonist.
Ash: OK so, he’s a survivor in that he makes it to the end, and then the credits roll, and then there’s a stinger bit after the credits where Sheik just poofs in behind him and stabs him in the very thick neck.
For much more, check out the episode. New episodes drop every Friday, and don’t forget to like and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Also if you feel so inclined, leave a review, and you can always drop us a line at [email protected]. If you want to yell at us directly, you can reach us on Twitter: Ash is @adashtra, Fahey is @UncleFahey, and Nathan is @Vahn16. See you next week!
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