The Xbox Series X is a serious console for serious gamers. It’s got massive, gut-busting specs, endless future potential and a range of killer apps on board. But now we know how fast loading times are, how good graphics actually look and whether or not you should buy it at launch, it’s time to ask the more important questions. The questions that’ll really eat at your soul every night. It’s time to ask how the console tastes.
Now, in ordinary circumstances you probably wouldn’t put an Xbox Series X in your mouth. You shouldn’t, really. But let’s say you’re on a deserted island. For inexplicable reasons, the console is your only companion. On the first day, it might seem like a friend. You might give it a name. By the second day, it’ll probably start looking more like food.
Here’s where this article comes in. If you ever need to eat the console, where else will you get your answers? Is it safe to lick? Is it good to lick? These are the important questions we’re tackling today.
First, if you’re going to lick your console, you’ll want to disinfect it first. Coronavirus can last on surfaces for 28 days and you don’t know where your console’s been. Make sure to sanitise it before you set it up and/or choose to consume it. Then, give it a dust for good measure.
So, what’s the verdict?
Honestly, I was expecting it to taste better. It’s not the biggest disappointment in my life right now, but it’s close.
It’s very bitter, and has a strong metallic taste that has a pretty awful (and long-lasting) mouthfeel. The flavour isn’t as subtle as I’d like, and I’m sad to report it won’t make for a very good meal. If you’re in desperate need of sustenance, you’re probably better off eating sand. (If you’re stranded on a rock island, I can’t help you.)
The holey top of the console is fun to lick though, because the metallic taste is broken up by the cool, hole-filled texture. This part is very fun to lick. If you’re going to taste the console, definitely try the top. It’s so exquisite even Matt Preston would weep.
How does the Xbox Series X controller taste?
A secondary (but equally important) query is how the controller tastes. Strangely, I got this question twice on Twitter. Everyone seems to want to know how to controller tastes, and I’m here to deliver the good news: it tastes pretty good!
The flavour isn’t too overt here. There’s a hint of metal when you lick it, but it’s more seasoning than an outright flavour. I might’ve also gotten some dust on the lick, which will certainly influence the taste, but the flavour isn’t as pervasive as the console taste and that’s great.
You’ll need to lick the back for the best results, though.
The back of the controller has a rough texture for more grip. A nice consequence of this is it gives the controller an excellent mouthfeel. Run your tongue along it, it’s great!
All in all, the Xbox Series X is a very tasty package. If you’re planning on tasting your console, you should definitely sanitise and dust it first but once it’s clean, you’re in for a real treat.