How Does The Xbox Series X Taste?

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How Does The Xbox Series X Taste?
Yes, that is a photo of my lick mark. You're welcome.

The Xbox Series X is a serious console for serious gamers. It’s got massive, gut-busting specs, endless future potential and a range of killer apps on board. But now we know how fast loading times are, how good graphics actually look and whether or not you should buy it at launch, it’s time to ask the more important questions. The questions that’ll really eat at your soul every night. It’s time to ask how the console tastes.

Now, in ordinary circumstances you probably wouldn’t put an Xbox Series X in your mouth. You shouldn’t, really. But let’s say you’re on a deserted island. For inexplicable reasons, the console is your only companion. On the first day, it might seem like a friend. You might give it a name. By the second day, it’ll probably start looking more like food.

Here’s where this article comes in. If you ever need to eat the console, where else will you get your answers? Is it safe to lick? Is it good to lick? These are the important questions we’re tackling today.

First, if you’re going to lick your console, you’ll want to disinfect it first. Coronavirus can last on surfaces for 28 days and you don’t know where your console’s been. Make sure to sanitise it before you set it up and/or choose to consume it. Then, give it a dust for good measure.

So, what’s the verdict?

Honestly, I was expecting it to taste better. It’s not the biggest disappointment in my life right now, but it’s close.

It’s very bitter, and has a strong metallic taste that has a pretty awful (and long-lasting) mouthfeel. The flavour isn’t as subtle as I’d like, and I’m sad to report it won’t make for a very good meal. If you’re in desperate need of sustenance, you’re probably better off eating sand. (If you’re stranded on a rock island, I can’t help you.)

The holey top of the console is fun to lick though, because the metallic taste is broken up by the cool, hole-filled texture. This part is very fun to lick. If you’re going to taste the console, definitely try the top. It’s so exquisite even Matt Preston would weep.

How does the Xbox Series X controller taste?

xbox greenstown
Photo: Michael Fahey / Kotaku

A secondary (but equally important) query is how the controller tastes. Strangely, I got this question twice on Twitter. Everyone seems to want to know how to controller tastes, and I’m here to deliver the good news: it tastes pretty good!

The flavour isn’t too overt here. There’s a hint of metal when you lick it, but it’s more seasoning than an outright flavour. I might’ve also gotten some dust on the lick, which will certainly influence the taste, but the flavour isn’t as pervasive as the console taste and that’s great.

You’ll need to lick the back for the best results, though.

The back of the controller has a rough texture for more grip. A nice consequence of this is it gives the controller an excellent mouthfeel. Run your tongue along it, it’s great!

All in all, the Xbox Series X is a very tasty package. If you’re planning on tasting your console, you should definitely sanitise and dust it first but once it’s clean, you’re in for a real treat.

For more serious Xbox Series X reporting:

Comments

  • 10/10 inspired story, loved the bit about sand.

    Please write a follow up story about the PS5. In the console wars, it really does come down to a matter of taste.

  • Today has been a rough day but thanks for all the coverage, especially this that just made me laugh. I had forgotten what that felt like.

  • I popped briefly into the stream this afternoon to hear a mention of licking the controller, I think, and then I had to go again, and I’m glad to know that this article means I probably wasn’t hearing things or developing Alzheimer’s.

  • This is great.
    First size ratio comparisons, now taste tests. I think this type of important reporting deserves a new special category on the Kotaku website. Again, thank you, I now know, if I’m on a deserted island, I can not only, not be able to play the Xbox because there will be no power, I will be unable to eat it also. Not only saves me from possible bad indigestion but also informs me that there is no nutritional value in consuming, said product and peripheral devices.
    Thanks again, for the great tips and advice…..
    Can’t wait for the next series of “Kotaku Real World Insights”.
    697.

    • Jokes aside, Thank you so, so much for these. This is the second article in this style to not only brighten my day, but to make me genuinely laugh out loud. With all the negatives out there, this and the other article is a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunshine bursting out from dark clouds.
      Thanks.
      697.

      • To anyone out there in readership land who feels mild discomfort about an Xbox not being a great, loyal and reliable companion, take heart………….
        We’ll always have Wilson………..
        697.

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