Nintendo Patent Looks Like A Giant Shitpost

Nintendo Patent Looks Like A Giant Shitpost
Same, Mario. Same. (Screenshot: Nintendo / Kotaku)

On June 5, 1997, Nintendo filed a patent titled “Video game system and method with enhanced three-dimensional character and background control due to environmental conditions.” I can’t even begin to parse what the heck that means on a technical level, but what I do know is that the document’s contents are ripe for absurd internet humour.

Throughout the patent, Nintendo uses various Super Mario 64 screenshots and diagrams to explain its claims. While a lot of it is basic, like what the Nintendo 64 console is and what its controller does, the developers eventually delve into how Mario interacts with his environment through the player’s actions.

Screenshot: Nintendo, Fair Use

Screenshot: Nintendo, Fair Use

Screenshot: Nintendo, Fair Use

Screenshot: Nintendo, Fair Use

Screenshot: Nintendo, Fair Use

Screenshot: Nintendo, Fair Use

Screenshot: Nintendo, Fair Use

Screenshot: Nintendo, Fair Use

Screenshot: Nintendo, Fair Use

Screenshot: Nintendo, Fair Use

Taken out of context, however, these official assets double as wonderful fodder for shitposting.

Humour is subjective, but there’s something very funny about the clinical way in which this Nintendo patent describes Mario mechanics that we take for granted after decades of experience with the plumber’s whole deal.

Mario struggles. Mario coughs. Mario falls. If that’s not the perfect explanation of the human condition, I don’t know what is.

Comments

  • The timeline of a hard life.

    1806: Mario moves in accordance with laws of motion.
    1822: Mario falls.
    1881: Mario Struggles.
    1887: Mario coughs.
    1891: Mario is out of breath.

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