After a long, COVID-filled year, the 2020 Tokyo Olympics are finally here. Only, its 2021 and everything has a strange pandemic twist to it. But rather than dwelling on the fact that our athletes are being yeeted back to Australia and into hotel quarantine as soon as their events finish, I thought we should focus on the real games here: Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games, that is.
I have been a diehard M&SATOG fan since the OG game was released back in 2008. So in honour of the fact that the IRL Olympics are finally upon us, I thought I’d rank every sport in the 2020 Mario & Sonic game based on how hard it slaps.
100m Sprint
I’m sorry but the 100m race should not be in this game. I’m just being realistic here but you can’t have a video game with Sonic the Hedgehog in the title and act like he wouldn’t be quite literally running circles around everyone else.
I have no words for how much I hate this. 0/10. If there was a gold medal for sucky sports, the 100m would get it.
Triple Jump
Am I just salty because I still don’t really understand how this stupid sport actually works? Look, maybe. But this sport is dumb and it’s a waste of my time in Mario & Sonic.
NEEEEEXT.
Rugby Sevens
Ball sports occupy so much space in our sporting world outside of the Olympics, so it is my firm belief that they have no place here (with the exception of football).
This mini game isn’t bad, per se, it’s just not Mario & Sonic. When I play Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games I want to throw a javelin or shoot an arrow, I don’t want to be playing a virtual rugby game. Give me more track and field events and less of this, please.
4 x 100m Relay
This deserves the same hate that the 100m race gets, but the only reason I’m ranking it higher is because Sonic — in theory — could be let down by the rest of his team.
Realistically speaking (yes, I’m getting realistic about a blue super-speed hedgehog at the Olympics), he would still win, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt here.
Equestrian – Jumping
I don’t believe animals should be forced to compete in the Olympics, and if they do, they should be the ones to get the gold medals.
However, I can let it slide when we’re using virtual horses that aren’t getting hurt.
Additionally, this horse looks cute but also like it might lose its shit and trample the crowd in a split second, so points for that.
Gymnastics – Floor Exercise
Simone Biles would be proud. But in saying that, Ms Biles is the only person I care to watch doing floor exercises. I’m mad at Mario and Sonic for not letting us do the fun gymnastics stuff.
The bars? The foam pit? The trampolines? Give us the fun stuff, Mario.
Boxing
Boxing is great, but I’d be lying if I said Mario & Sonic boxing even came close to the iconic Wii Sports boxing.
However, it’s so fun to watch Princess Peach kick Waluigi’s ass, so credit where credit is due.
Karate
Karate is the better form of boxing, in my opinion. I would still prefer this in a Wii Sports-esque format but this mini game is like opening up a can of whoop-ass in a much more sophisticated way than boxing.
I simply cannot stress just how fun it is to play fighting games as a female character. Could Princess Daisy really take Bowser in a fight? Probably not. But in Olympic karate? Game on.
Football
I love football (soccer) and have been playing FIFA games for as long as I can remember, so I can’t be too critical of this game.
However, when we’re already getting a new FIFA game every year, I just don’t see why we need a Mario soccer game.
Not bad, but not exactly new.
Skateboarding
Tony Hawk is quaking, honestly. Skateboarding games are god-tier and I am so glad we’re not letting them die.
But considering we’ve already got a great skateboarding game (THPS), this simply cannot rank higher. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this game but like I said, when I play Mario & Sonic, I want something different.
Sport Climbing
Sport climbing is a brand new event in the world of Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games, and thankfully, it’s not disappointing.
This is basically like super extreme rock climbing, which makes you feel like a total badass. You can basically just throw yourself up the wall like a modern day Spider-Man.
Surfing
I still cannot believe that surfing is an Olympic sport, but I’m not mad about it.
This is essentially just a more fun version of any skateboarding video game, requiring you to also stay upright and not, you know, get wiped out while also performing tricks to score points.
Bowser is the Mario equivalent of Kelly Slater.
Swimming
It’s the only sport Australia is actually good at, so naturally, it has a pretty special place in my heart. I’m still convinced that Sonic would win this hands down, but it’s just SO! FUN!
I may not have the swimming prowess of Ian Thorpe IRL, but in Mario & Sonic I’m basically the next Kyle Chalmers.
Canoe
Canoeing in video games is just fun. I can’t describe it any other way. It doesn’t matter which game we’re playing, if you let me paddle around in a canoe, I will have fun.
Badminton
Badminton is fancy tennis. I love it! Let me hit my tiny little shuttlecock with my tiny little racquet. Big fan!
Table Tennis
Speaking of fancy tennis: table tennis. I love it. Nothing makes me feel like a powerful giant quite like playing table tennis.
But playing table tennis as Bowser? Talk about an ultimate power move.
Fencing
Hitting people with swords? Give it to me. Pew, pew! 10/10 I love this.
Discus
Really heavy frisbee? Say no more. Discus is essentially Olympic-level frisbee and I think that’s really neat.
110m Hurdles
Name a more iconic Olympic sport, I’ll wait. Running, jumping, running, jumping. Give it to me!
Javelin Throw
Spear throwing, but make it Olympic. This is such a badass sport and I simply love to see it. If you’re an Olympic javelin thrower, I assume nobody would fuck with you and that’s the energy I’m trying to manifest this year. 10/10.
Archery
Sorry but archery is the best sport. You’re shooting arrows, name something more badass, I’ll wait.
No further questions. That’s it. If you disagree with me, you can answer to my arrow.
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