The Next Pokémon Patch Is Gonna Kill Our Sleepy Boy, Snorlax

The Next Pokémon Patch Is Gonna Kill Our Sleepy Boy, Snorlax
Screenshot: TiMi Studio Group

Pokémon Unite’s next highly-anticipated update will add Blissey as a new healer, but that’s not all. The patch also includes a list of terribly disappointing fixes for any Snorlax mains out there, plus a nudge to maybe stop using that damn Eject Button on 95% of your builds.

Per the vague patch notes, Snorlax’s Heavy Slam, Block, and Unite move have all been nerfed when it comes to damage, duration, or healing. While Flail has been buffed, overall, these changes ensure that our big blue bud stops being such a terrible menace. I should know; I play Snorlax.

And let me tell you, Snorlax can be built to be nearly unstoppable. As a Defender, he’s obviously a bit more bulky — but he also has strong crowd control with his shield, and hits fairly hard with his stun. I liked to equip the cookie, shield, and knee pad so that his already impressive HP got exponentially higher with every goal. It didn’t matter if I scored a measly point or 50 — each dunk increased my health. Before long, my Snorlax was such a wall that I could confidently take on an entire team of enemy players without much danger of actually dying. Between the shield and the stun, I could push people back and render them useless over and over again, until my Unite move hit, at which point a massacre ensued.

You can see why they’d want to rein in Snorlax. While I’ll maintain that getting to that unstoppable point requires a lot of careful play that wasn’t always assured, once you’re there, Snorlax is a beast. Or was. I’m sure he’ll still be plenty capable but RIP the dream of perpetually shoving other players back into spawn with little recourse.

Garchomp, on the other hand, got buffed: A terrifying prospect given how deadly the land shark already is. Same thing with Greninja. Somehow, still, nothing here about Zeraora and its devastating Discharge. Kind of surprised there’s nothing for Absol, who also seems unstoppable in the right hands.

Perhaps the most notable change aside from Snorlax is all the tweaks to the various Battle Items. In my experience, nearly everyone equips the Eject Button, which lets you teleport a small distance away, rapidly. At higher levels in ranked, you do see some experimentation here and there, but more often than not, you can bet that a player will have the Eject Button equipped. It’s useful, especially when you’re close to dying. I use it all the time!

Well, it’s about to get shittier. I can’t tell you how, exactly, because all the notes say “Stat Decreases” and who knows what that means. Curiously, though, Goal-Getter, Fluffy Tail, and X Attack all got “Stat Increase.” Again, lord knows what that means, but it certainly sounds like a buff. So now you have extra incentive to try something else out for your build. Assuming Snorlax isn’t unplayable when the patch hits, I’ll likely swap the button for Goal-Getter — after all, my entire build is dependent on making as many dunks as possible.

But maybe I’ll just end up learning Crustle or Blissey instead? Choices. In any case, the full patch notes below:

Crustle

Stealth Rock:

Cooldown reduced.

Damage dealt to opposing Pokémon increased.

Rock Tomb:

Damage dealt to opposing Pokémon increased.

Garchomp

Movement speed changed.

Bulldoze:

Damage dealt to opposing Pokémon increased.

Dragon Rush:

Cooldown reduced.

Slowbro

Surf:

Duration of effects on opposing Pokémon decreased.

Scald:

Bug Fixes

Damage dealt to opposing Pokémon increased.

Snorlax

Heavy Slam:

Damage dealt to opposing Pokémon decreased.

Block:

Duration of effects on opposing Pokémon decreased.

Flail:

Move Upgrade

Unite Move: Power Nap

HP restoration decreased.

Greninja

Smokescreen:

Move Downgrade

Cooldown lengthened.

Water Shuriken:

Cooldown reduced.

Damage dealt to opposing Pokémon increased.

Double Team:

Cooldown reduced.

Wigglytuff

Unite Move: Starlight Recital

Bug Fixes

Cinderace

Basic Attack:

Bug Fixes

Alolan Ninetales

Snow Warning:

Bug Fixes

Aurora Veil:

Bug Fixes

Gardevoir

Basic Attack

Bug Fixes

Psychic:

Bug Fixes

Cramorant

Hurricane:

Bug Fixes

Wild Pokémon

Avalugg

Stat Decrease

Battle Items

Eject Button

Stat Decreases

Goal-Getter

Stat Increases

Fluffy Tail

Stat Increases

X Attack

Stat Increases

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